Why you should care
Because while OK sex is better than bad sex, great sex is better than good sex.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
Old, Not Dead
EUGENE, SIR: I am a 68-year-old sex-crazy Indian. My wife is 67 years old and, though quite attractive, has no desire for sex. In fact, I think she abhors it. Years ago, when we were younger, we had a great sex life. What are my options? It is not possible for me to run to the nearest hooker to get satiated. — Duke
Dear Mr. of Earl: You are fucked. Not literally, of course, but figuratively. You see, while many reading this may be shaking their head with a lilting smile on their face because they’re thinking how “cute” that this “old man” still finds his “old woman” hot, the reality of it is, the stakes here are too high for anyone to be doing any suchlike smiling.
Because your wife is clearly voting with her vagina. And the vote suggests that, very possibly, years of substandard tending has led her to the conclusion that “enough is enough.” Or, as a friend of mine once opined, “It’s hard to get dressed up for a party that you never end up getting to go to.”
Meaning: No one says no to that which is GREAT.
Now, some might have been a skosh more gentle with you and suggested that you two should seek some medical advice on account of maybe she is premenopausal, cleverly making it her problem, when really it’s a shared problem. Not me. In any case, you didn’t ask about all of the whys and wherefores; you asked specifically about what you could do to mitigate sex insanity. The answer is twofold.
Assuming you’re asking how to rekindle sexy time? Well, that’s a lot of heavy lifting that’ll require a lot of insight into how you screwed up in the first place and how you can unscrew yourself. Of course, you have to do this with an audience who maybe has lost a little faith in you and your abilities. This is the harder option, but the dividends will be magically great. Remember, sex is play, and being able to play with someone you’re not planning on leaving? Well, it makes a good amount of sense.
But I am a realist, and as a realist I quote the great R. Crumb cartoon character Mr. Natural, who told a young charge, “Don’t let yer meat loaf.” Or, as the sage Michigan magus Tesco Vee later said, “Laying pipe is lots of fun, but it can’t beat my orgy of one.”
Yes: masturbation. Which will let you clear your head and think about next steps, since if you play your cards right, you’ll be alive for at least another 20 years. And living those 20 years with a wife whom you make unhappy is much less ideal than living with a wife whom you make happy.
EUGENE, SIR: I like semen on my face, but how can I ask for it without tying into the porn centers deep in most guys’ brains that make them say stupid shit after? The times I have asked for it directly, if it doesn’t become a thing, they have a hard time performing or are freaked out. I thought it was a simple request. — Name withheld by request
Dear Semeny Snicket: It is a simple request. You’re just requesting it from the wrong people. How to find the right ones? Ask beforehand. This will quickly divide the world into those who go full stupid right away and those who don’t/won’t. Happy hunting.
EUGENE, SIR: Recently my partner broached the subject of prostate milking with me. This is a skill I’ve wanted to learn, and everything I’ve read and watched via the Internet indicates it’s something that brings great pleasure to a man. For me, as the would-be “milker” in the scenario, I think I’d find it a very powerful, ego-lifting skill to have, and for my partner to have even brought this up in conversation was very exciting. As the conversation progressed and I took a lighter approach to it, he became quite angry.
You see, I am the submissive to his dominant, and we’ve been in this type of relationship on and off for almost two years. So when I lightheartedly remarked on how we’d have to stumble through the learning curve but that it could also be a fun part that would bring us closer together, he accused me of not taking him seriously. I didn’t take for granted what this meant and how personal a suggestion it was coming from an alpha male. For dominants to put themselves in a vulnerable sexual role with their submissive is huge, and I was honored that he would even consider allowing me to be the one performing this act with him. And Kanye West anxiety aside — he (Kanye) seems to have no clue how enjoyable it can be for a man to engage in anal play — my partner loves it when I play with his nether parts, rimming and teasing, lightly caressing him into a state of wild, enjoyable pleasure before he orgasms.
My question to you: Should I have taken a more serious approach to the conversation, or could he have perhaps not been so “anal” about a pleasurable interaction that the two of us could journey into? — Itchy Fingers
Dear Digital Underground: He may have overreacted, to quote Robert De Niro, just a little bit. But even in a heavily structured standard (or nonstandard) dom-sub setup, the fact that he asked (instead of told you) indicates this was not business as usual for him. But this is not your fault, it’s his. If he’s going to be all touchy about his tushy, well, he should know that there are people who routinely have their bodies invaded in this way and most of them enjoy it quite a lot, and so it’s less weird that he wants it and more understandable that you’d be excited about it. However, there is nothing worse than having your fetish not taken seriously by the person you’re trying to share it with.
Which is to say that if one likes to dress up like a pirate, all involved parties should recognize that if the partner thinks pirates are hilarious, then this is not going to work. So yeah, maybe going forward? Think solemn. And then plumb away.