Why you should care
Because your genitalia, and the lovers of your genitalia, will thank you.
Semen From He-Men
EUGENE, SIR: Is there any reasonable way to convince my ordinarily levelheaded man of almost a year that I don’t have to brush my teeth and gargle with mouthwash after giving him head before I kiss him? What is it with guys anyway? Like a taste of their own semen will make them gay? That’s it, isn’t it? Please help me here. – Penny for Your Thoughts
Dear Pound-Wise Penny-Foolish: Of course that’s it. It’s been scientifically proven, and I think I read it in Scientifically Proven magazine, that the main causative homosexual agent is semen. And Judy Garland movies. Put another way, avoiding semen when fellating men makes those men fellating men less gay than they are if they get any of the gay juice in their mouths. Knowing this, men, like your boyfriend, avoid any tincture of semen lest it convert them to a homosexual lifestyle complete with an agenda that involves? You got it: fellating men. And Judy Garland movies.
Look, we all know it’s really a matter of degree, right? On the one hand, him treating you like you have a mouth full of sewage is maybe a little hurtful and wrongheaded; on the other hand, if he was too into his own semen, you might also be a little concerned. The reality of it, though, is an aversion to semen might just be youthful ignorance, based on either some benign distaste or some less benign homophobia. If the former, tell him it’s his diet and he needs to back off the cigarettes, coffee and maybe asparagus. If the latter? Nothing but life lessons and experience will jog him out of this. And to be jogged out of this and be open to life lessons and the value of experience? He must first and above all be not stupid.
Which is really back to you: Don’t date stupid men. Glad to help.
Long-Haul … Truckers
EUGENE, SIR: I’m trying to be a good boyfriend, but close to an hour of sex each time, not including foreplay, to get her off is making me look for reasons to not screw. And yet, no one I know, women included, is spending an hour masturbating. So what’s the deal? Is she thinking about her “to-do” list and getting distracted or what? – Ike
Dear Mr. Turner: When comedian Dave Chappelle said, and I paraphrase, there’s no such thing as PREmature ejaculation, he was noting that his always showed up right on time. You go on to state that not many who are not rich or in politics spend hours masturbating. Probably also correct. Then you ask, “What’s the deal?” and I am tempted to kick it back to you and ask, “What’s the deal with YOU?” Sex, on last check, was supposed to be fun. You cap your fun at 11 minutes? I use 11 minutes since I read somewhere that the average act of coitus lasts 11 minutes. So while you and yours seem to be well above the average sampling selection, WAY above the sampling selection, in fact, this is not why it’s a problem. It’s a problem because you’re a clock-watching fussbudget.
Look, sex sometimes works best when people selfishly pursue their own ends and therein might reside the solution to your “problem.” Do your thing and stop worrying. You come before her? As long as you’re good for another go-round, you’re good. I mean, you can spend that 60 minutes anyway you want to and almost every way has got to be better than watching TV, and if it’s not? Your priorities are sorely in need of an overhaul. That covers the up-to-60-minute range. Anything OVER 60 minutes? You might want to consider late inning substitutions. If you know what I mean.
EUGENE, SIR: I read your advice in the HAPPY WHORING column, and understand it, but I have seen some Americans and Brits faced with this dilemma take “vacations” to Germany where prostitution is legal. It is a fact that the quality of man seeking the services of prostitutes is on average better than the average swinger. It being legal in Germany, there are also multiple options. I have read of couples in German FKK (officially means nudist “free body culture” or Saunaclubs, which are simply large brothels with very much a Game of Thrones Littlefoot vibe). The man sits around and eats and drinks and maybe has sex with a prostitute while the woman is also plying her trade … the man acting as a pimp will not be well-received. So the fantasy would have to be tweaked a bit.
The other option is a German “sex auction” site called gesext.de, where she can put a date with her up for auction and she can make the auction restricted so that she has to approve those who are allowed to bid. She can also make it so that there is a fixed price. If they really want to try it, it is a legal way to go, and to be able to make some money on it. A one-week vacation for the two of them, with 10 dates set up, probably 500€ a pop (thinking two- to three-hour dates). You can even tour city to city and work your date schedule around the sightseeing, so you even have all the tourist photos for the kids.
And if they don’t want the language barrier they can go to the U.K., where pimping is illegal, but prostitution is not. The simplest website there to troll for customers (or actively make offers on dates they propose) is called www.adultwork.com. – Name withheld by request
Dear Sporting Life: Thanks for sharing.