Why you should care
Because you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression … that doesn’t suck.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
EUGENE, SIR: We’re friends with this other couple. Lots of dinners and drinks, movie nights at their house or our house. But more and more these days the wife is spending a lot of time complimenting us. That we’re such a hot couple and so on. The first time it was flattering. Now it’s kind of weird. We’re no prudes, and them suggesting a foursome or some kind of swap (though the husband seems to laugh her comments off) doesn’t offend us, but if we had been interested we would have responded by now and the fact that we are not responding means they should stop, right? It’s added a tension and we’ve been hanging with them less, and this has not passed without comment as well. Will it be possible for us to get past this? And are we doing anything wrong? — Lauren
Dear L-Boogie: So much of life is about its subtle graces. If you were to dance tango, if you’re lucky, one of the things they teach you is what happens before the dancing starts. An understated but charged series of glances, nods, invitations to dance, and do’s and don’ts marking every nonverbal step up to the dance floor. But that’s tango.
Sexy time is probably/actually much more complicated, and all along the line much more is revealed. Her hammerhead insistence that she must continue because you two obviously haven’t gotten it, puts you in a position where you’ll have to depart from the land of subtlety and step headlong into “we don’t desire to have any more intimate knowledge of your vagina, thank you.” But before you bust loose with that, please have a talk with your partner. Just to make sure you’re on the same page.
Since I think you’re less interested in inviting yourself out of a foursome and much more interested in no nonmarital co-relations at all, figuring out that this is what you both want would be a good idea before bringing down the hammer. But no, you’re not doing anything wrong. Most of us don’t have to say, “No thanks to touching your genitals,” more than once. And those that do are also probably a bit irked at having to do so. In the other couple’s defense, though, sometimes a lack of a definitive “no” could just be a “maybe,” so getting to “yes” means pushing a bit. Meaning they might appreciate knowing that they have pushed a bit too much.
EUGENE, SIR: My husband — we’ve been married for about two years — just told me that from when he was 9 years old until he was 11, his older sister had sex with him. She was 17 at the time. It started with her having him help her practice kissing and got worse from there. It ended when she went off to college. When I asked him why he hadn’t told me before, he said that the times he has told people they laughed it off. He doesn’t think it’s funny but has made his peace with it. I, however, am incredibly angry. Going into the holiday season I don’t know that I can trust myself to be “polite.” Suggestions on how to deal with this would be very welcome. — Name withheld by request
Dear Suffering in Silence: Sorry. Truly. For all involved. But since this is a sex column and my nickname is Mr. Fly-Off-the-Handle-at-the-Slightest-Provocation, I think my advice here would not be particularly useful, tending as it might toward overreaction. However … I am no fan of pretending. So under no circumstances would I think it made sense for your state and frame of mind to continue pretending this was no big deal. Your husband thinks it was, but after years of not being taken seriously, he seems to have given up. Which is his choice, but the reality of it is, it’s really his show to run. Yes, you love him, but if you’re planning to go to Thanksgiving and upend things, maybe think again. Not saying you need to be nice to people you hate. Just saying it seems he doesn’t need you doing the talking for him.
Long Time Coming
EUGENE, SIR: I want to increase my duration of intercourse. My wife is not satisfied as I ejaculate within a short time. Please advise or suggest something. Waiting for precious suggestion/advice, please. — Hashim Ahmed
Dear Mr. Ahmed: I honestly get one or two requests a week from people on either end of this equation for advice on how to spread the love … along a longer timeline. So many requests and so regularly that I must assume it’s epidemic, but the first step in solving your “problem” is admitting you have one. While biologically speaking, this falls short of being a real health issue, you’ll find it’s going to be pretty necessary for your mental health since if your wife is miserable, how could you be happy? So kudos to you for seeking counsel and I’ll say to you now like I’ve said every time I’ve been asked: Make a friend of foreplay. Reportedly most women will not be having an orgasm from intercourse alone. So make with the mouth and remember this is all supposed to be play and play is supposed to be fun. If this confuses you? Try my how-to instructions. Good luck.