For the Love of Shame
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”
Interpreting the Two-Penis Rule
EUGENE, SIR: We’re very much into the lifestyle (swinging), but recently my wife has gotten obsessed with having me and someone else in her mouth at the same time. The only way to do this, of course, involves penis-to-penis contact, which totally turns me off. So, she has suggested that maybe we could get two other men to fulfill her fantasy. While I know that since she’s had other men’s penises in her mouth before, this should not bother me, but it does. I need to think about it more, but what say you? —Dave D.
Dear Designated Driver: So going from something you are doing together to being a spectator doesn’t thrill you or fill you with unanticipated joys? I understand. I also understand that in the hothouse heat of the lifestyle, the query, “What’s the big deal?” might get thrown around a lot more than it should. I mean, yes, you are being given a chance to participate, but you’ve clearly stated that you have no interest in participating (in this way). Moreover, to show that your heart is in the right place, it sounds like you’re completely OK with her having another penis in her mouth and THEN your penis, but you’re just drawing the line at the too-close-to-bi comfort.
Someone had written once before to ask about something like this and their lover had accused them of homophobia, but at least you didn’t have to have sociopolitical aspersions thrown your way while trying to figure out if sharing your wife’s mouth with another penis is something you can sit out without feeling like you’re being abandoned or that you’re denying her. In any case, my answer here will echo what I’ve said before — though the other couple was not married if memory serves — but you two are travelers, and travelers travel. And if those travelers are married, they travel together.
While fantasy denied can be a dangerous distraction and wiser heads than mine have suggested that the best way to deal with temptation is to YIELD to it, I’m never going to suggest that anyone ever do what they don’t want to do. You told me you don’t want to do it. Sounds like you told her. Also sounds like she’s trying to negotiate her way around what you told her. If that means she has brought it up once or twice? Fine. She now has enough information to make a choice that both takes into account her wants and your wants. If she’s bringing it up constantly, she’s either in the grips of something severe — in which case you have to weigh whether or not having two stand-ins once will fulfill the fantasy … or just lead to a desire for MORE — or she’s a bully. Which might mean she may need to travel this road alone and guess at whether you’ll be there or not when she returns.
Big decisions. Do what your spirit dictates. And good luck.
EUGENE, SIR: What good is having a safe word if we’re using ball gags? —Tracy V.
Dear TV: Sometimes words are useful in and of themselves. If you need a chair and ask for a chair, for example. But sometimes words cover intent. In this instance, the intent of a safe word is to make sure that the sex/activity is and remains consensual. If, however, you anticipate being in a position where your mouth is full and you are unable to speak clearly, you need to establish a protocol to cover this play as well.
Which is why we went to professional domme and dungeon owner Katorga, who, when she was working full time as a heavy-bondage top (as in full body, face immobility), gagging people before whipping them, she’d sometimes check in and ask them to give her a head nod or shake as “part of the head trip.”
“If you’re a sadist, as I am, you’re paying attention because how they respond, if they respond, is part of your sexuality. It’s what you’re in it for,” says Katorga. “But, if part of the play or situation is to keep it strictly to ‘I can do what I want unless you say the safe word’ and you’re strictly professional and you don’t want to take the body-language risk or the idea that you might miss a cue, you will also work out something physical. It’s rare that someone doesn’t at least have a pinkie free or an ability to make a hand or foot signal repeatedly or in many cases hold and drop something as needed.”
The Mistress has spoken.
EUGENE, SIR: My new lover claims to like “humiliation” as part of sex play. What’s this mean exactly? —Name Withheld by Request
Dear Shocking Awe: I have no idea from your email whether you’re a man or a woman or whether your lover is a man or a woman, but this doesn’t mean your question can’t be answered. Especially since people who enjoy VA, verbal abuse, one of the more noteworthy forms of sexual humiliation (cuckolding is another), are as varied in how they like that applied as the people who like it applied.
But a rough guide for rough play? Easy. Try to stay away from things that typically draw a lot of heat in real life. For example, calling someone a “piece of shit” is more workable than calling someone a “Chinese piece of shit.” Calling a woman a “bitch” might work. Calling her a “FAT bitch” might not. And finally, making fun of the size of a man’s penis always works for some reason.
For creative abuse, it seems, according to our expert advisers, that what’s said is almost less important than intent. In other words, the phrase “look at you” might widely be held to be fairly harmless. But with the right intonation at the right time? Could cut like a knife. It’s a specialist’s game though, so start out slow and work your way into it. Hope this helps.