Eye Contact at an Orgy: Where Do You Look When Everyone Is Watching?

Eye Contact at an Orgy: Where Do You Look When Everyone Is Watching?

Why you should care

Because bad sex is bad for a reason.

Eyes Front

EUGENE, SIR: We’re swingers and I’m 41, he’s 42. At a party, my partner said something he had never said before: that I should look at him during sex. I hadn’t been thinking of where I was looking, so I guess I either had my eyes closed or open, but I wasn’t looking at anything special. After asking me to look at him, he also shifted our position. I started looking around the room and then saw a cute couple near us, but there were four other couples near us. Later he asked me if I had seen the size of another guy’s penis, and then it all clicked. I like to think I’m pretty hot, so could you please explain what’s going on when a man having sex with me starts thinking about another man’s penis? —DJ

Dear Disc Jockey: Look, if everybody was OK all the time, I’d be stuck writing about OK people, and that’s about as much fun as being an OK person. Which is to say that if you’re OK, you worked hard to get there and you’re not writing to me, you’re OK by disposition and you’re not writing me or you’re out of your mind, in which case no amount of help I can offer would be worth very much. Much more fun to corral all the quirks, idiosyncrasies and compulsive obsessions under one roof and have at them. And leading the list that goes back as far as I’ve been doing a sex column focused on stuff people panic about, penis size is damn near the top of the list.

Which is sort of a way to normalize your partner’s panic without really explaining it outside of this — my first and final offering: I don’t believe he was staring at the other man’s penis but instead caught a glimpse at the recipient of said penis. There’s a great amount of variation to the human sexual response. Some people are quiet, some are not. When he glanced up to see this player’s partner pushing the decibel levels up to triple-X-citement, I’d guess there was a burst of “How come that’s not happening here?”

A cursory glance down answered the question for him in a way that most 42-year-old men should have already dealt with to some degree or another but, and this should be said now, this is not your problem. I mean, yes, if you and he have to be locked into a death stare during the entire act of coitus, then that might be a drag, but this otherwise seems like a small thing. Ugh, I mean tiny thing. Damn. I mean not that big of a deal. OK. You know what? Start calling him Big Daddy or something, and see if this helps. Good luck!

Dental Dam Slam

EUGENE, SIR: Does anybody use dental dams anymore? Did they ever? Do they work? You recommend them? For the record, I hate them, but lots of STDs, I think, come from the mouth, and I’m into cunnilingus, so yeah? Thoughts? —G-Lover

Dear Glove R.: Anymore? Anymore? I think the next time you find a person who has used one, you’d be finding your first. Though you’re right, lots of venereal diseases use the mouth as a way station — from chlamydia to herpes, HPV and gonorrhea — for most folks, the protection provided has always seemed to be a bridge too far. Outside of them being pricier than condoms and harder to find, a few have made the argument that collectively we care less about women’s health than men’s health. To support this contention they talk about how many different types of condoms there are and how ubiquitous they are to partially explain the dental dam’s failure.

I have a better explanation, and that’s, very simply, “Fuck it.” There were a few good years of relatively trouble-free schtupping, where whatever you got could be cleared up with a shot, and then? Well, then the twin engines of joy destruction — herpes and HIV — made it impossible to be cavalier about one of our most cavalierly complex things ever: sex. Which gave birth to a panic that we’ve passed from generation to generation but eventually, like that song by the Adolescents says, “trashed beyond belief to show the kids don’t want to learn” becomes more true than not, and we’ve just got tired of being careful and concerned and say, “Fuck it.”

Not saying you should. Just trying to explain the redheaded prophylactic stepchild’s failure to capture the popular imagination. Licking plastic that’s been placed over your lover’s private parts? Still sounds like a party to me, but given how many letters I get complaining about bad cunnilingus, I guess the thinking might be, why make it any worse?

Sex? Work!

EUGENE, SIR: Why aren’t you saying something about this bullshit anti–sex worker law that’s going to make my fucking life as a sex worker much more dangerous than it was? —Kendall

Dear K.: You’re talking, of course, about H.R. 1865, a 2017 law that allows states and victims to fight online sex trafficking that just passed. SESTA, or the Stop Enabling Sex Traffickers Act, or FOSTA, or the Fight Online Sex Trafficking Act, opened up Craigslist personals for possible lawsuits and legal action and was very much part of why the folks who ran Backpages were just arrested. The idea, in short, being while these were just online forums for sex-minded folks to meet and greet, there was also an undesirable element composed of people trafficking those under 18.

Rather than run the “what-ifs,” Craigslist tapped out and killed their personals section. Backpages didn’t and had it shut down for them. Sex workers hate it because the measure of security afforded by an increase in agency — who they were going to see, when and a way to track this all — is gone, and the claim has been made that this will reduce sex worker safety. Additionally, it will just drive the sex traffickers underground, where they are harder to find.

If you’re of the belief that prostitution should be legal, this might be viewed as a blunt tool to fix the fringe excesses. If you believe that prostitution should be illegal, this might be viewed as an ineffective half measure that’s better than nothing.

Solutions? Well, former sex worker Melissa Petro has a few real good ideas right here.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.