Why you should care
Because getting the most out of what you put in just makes good sense.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
EUGENE, SIR: My roommates are into what they call “the lifestyle” which, I guess means, threesomes, foursomes, groups and, according to them, some light BDSM. They’ve let me know that if ever I have any interest I’m welcome to join in. Flattering but not so much my scene, I think. However, our rooms are close enough to one another that I hear more than I want to sometimes, and the other night it sounded like they had gone from light BDSM to something a little heavier, and I got freaked out and started making noises so that they’d know I was around. When this didn’t stop things, I interrupted. They invited me to participate, though, and I got pissed and told them to fuck off, and now the house is in an uproar (the other roommates live downstairs and so hear none of this), and I’m being made out to be the bad guy. I’m as sex positive as the next person, but I just don’t want to have sex with everyone who wants to have sex with me. Am I the prude here? — KK
Dear Kukla, Fran and Ollie: Prude? No. You correctly processed their desire to have sex with you as initially flattering, though not interesting for you based on, well, whatever sexual interests you do have. And outside of using the words “I think” above, it doesn’t seem at all that there was any wavering in your interests or intentions. And I imagine your entrance into their room was in no way sexified — unless it was, I guess, and you’re not being straight with me — but driven by real concern for someone’s safety.
Nope. In this instance it’s not you, it’s them. Exhibitionists generally don’t always factor in the fact that their exhibits are not always welcome, and the fact that you are NOT a prude probably was directly understood as a “maybe.” So they may not be bad people/hammerheads, this may indeed be a misunderstanding and the rest of the roommates should probably recuse themselves; however, this is about sex. Which means they’re going to have it again, and, while you probably won’t be invited, the tension will not be reduced since they now know that their exhibitions are unwelcome, which makes them almost an act of rebellion, which will make them resent you, which will make the place you call home a tense mess.
But maybe you all can adult your way out of this. How? By doing what most adults do when it comes to the weirdly uncomfortable: make believe it’s not happening. Good luck.
EUGENE, SIR: My girlfriend and I have been into anal sex for a short while now. Recently, though, while I’m penetrating her vagina during sex, she takes my penis and puts it in her ass. My question: Is it because she really enjoys it, or is it because I asked her to, and she’s just doing it to make me happy? — Tito Ramirez
Dear Mr. Ramirez: She probably listens to your long, highly involved and detailed sports stories, if indeed you do tell suchlike stories, to make you happy. She probably goes to parties with your exes to make you happy. She probably lets you wear that shirt, you know the one I mean, the one that was popular about 10 years ago but now just is not, to make you happy.
But very, very few people are letting you put your penis in their butt JUST to make you happy. How do I know? How many people have let you do this before her? Now how many of those who did so, hated the fact that you did so? I don’t know how your numbers are running, but largely it seems to me that people who are having sex with you only to make you happy, don’t have sex with you for long.
Which means to me: You could be overthinking this. Relax, go with the anal flow, and trust that if she really doesn’t like something, she’ll let you know about it.
EUGENE, SIR: I want to have long sex without any medicine. How can I get the stamina to do so? — Amandeep
Dear Aman, My Man: I read the Internet too, and I see the cottage industries that prey on men’s desires for bigger, better, longer, thicker and the cremes, ointments, unguents, pumps, herbs, pills and buckets of cash culled around trying not only to turn us into sexual supermen, but convince us that to achieve parity with other men these are things we MUST do.
I can see that they also truck out experts, quasi-docs and quacks to mull over stats and various facts and figures to support the continued collection of cash. But you know who I know they haven’t asked? Anyone with more than a passing, nonprofessional and highly personal relationship to your penis. They probably have not asked them.
Which is to say while it’s good for your health and it improves the quality of your life in general, having sex for hours and hours really works only if you are having sex with someone else who likes to have sex for hours and hours. Otherwise, it’s probably like waiting in line at the post office.
So cut down on smoking, drinking, lose a little weight, preferably by exercising, eat decent food and, maybe most important of all, like the comedians I know say: Know the room you’re playing. Which is to say: Before you deliver the long sex, make sure that your long is just right. Got it?