Why you should care
Because us telling you how to do it is probably more fun for you than us showing you how to do it.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
EUGENE, SIR: So, I’ve been sexually active for a decade and have never ejaculated during intercourse. In the rare instance that I do have what feels like an orgasm from intercourse, there’s no ejaculate. Because I can last a super long time in bed, I haven’t felt like it was a problem, until recently. But my last girlfriend always took it personally that she couldn’t make me ejaculate, and she thought I was lying to make her feel better when I had a dry orgasm. She was amazing in bed and I was head over heels in love with her, but I still had the same issues. I can’t help but feel like that’s a part of why we eventually broke up. Is there something wrong with me? I’ve tried taking time off from masturbating, different things in bed, etc., but no luck. —Dan (No Last Name, Please)
Dear Steely Dan: Well, at least at this ex post facto vantage point, I hope you have gotten some closure and figured out why she left. If you haven’t? Well, I’m going to offer this: Sex can be difficult and complex enough without introducing some high-level, now-you-don’t-see-it-now-you-still-don’t illusionist stuff into the mix. Had she been more patient, the two of you could have uncovered the fact that psych meds, surgery and sometimes diabetes can cause what are called, according to our go-to medical guy, Dr. Steve Ballinger, “no-display” orgasms. Also likely? Mood-stabilizing drugs, particularly Lamotrigine, are prone to give you that get-up-and-go minus the splashed-semen finish, and these are the relatively benign reasons.
Deeper, darker ones? “Prostate dysfunction,” Dr. Ballinger says. “Rare, but prostatic fluid makes up a large proportion of ejaculate.”
“It’s not scientific, but I have also talked to some guys who say if the pressure is on or they have had ‘enough’ to drink, they shoot blanks,” Ballinger says. “But most common is mood medication.”
That’s something you don’t really cop to in your letter. This and the fact that you DO ejaculate when you masturbate, also known by the scientific nomenclature of “busting a load,” seems to point the way to some sort of performance anxiety/conflict deal or distraction.
So how about this: Next time you’re having sex, try it the usual way and right about the time YOU start to think things have gotten a skosh slow, pull out and jerk off on your partner or something. A little fluid display may go a long way toward debunking the whole “He’s faking it” deal. I guess I should also advise you to see a urologist, but I know most would rather ask a guy at the gym or that cat by the juniper bushes at 7-11, either of which I could actually be, before taking this kind of thing to a doctor, which I am not. But good luck.
EUGENE, SIR: My husband and I are in our late 40s and are happily married. On the topic of extramarital sex, however, I might be facing something problematic. Here’s the scoop. I was recently experiencing a burning, itching sensation “down below” and visited my doctor, who ran a series of tests, including ones for STDs. I have been faithful to my hubby, so the worry was that he had not been. When I told my husband about the STD tests, he launched into a story about going to a strip club with some pals. A dancer, he said, was extra aggressive with him after he bought her a few drinks. The dancer unzipped his pants and stuck his plug in her socket, but only for a minute.
Here’s my take on the scenario: “A stripper was extra aggressive” and “it was only for a minute” — probably not; “love affair that threatens our marriage” — also probably not. Other than the health risks of penis-in-vagina action (condoms are not foolproof), I’m not worried about him playing with sex workers. However, if he were to engage in safe-as-possible practices with sex workers, I would like the same opportunity.
He is really contrite and closed down when I bring it up. So, I can do one of the following: a) keep my extracurricular libido under wraps and ignore what he did (does?) as his dirty little secret, b) acquire my own undercover lover by ordering an escort the next time I attend a conference or c) try to force a verbal contract about equal extramarital playtime. My parents were hippies and had an “open marriage,” which turned out to be hurtful and complicated for both parties.
The good news is that I had an unusual UTI not an STD. —Options?
Dear OPP-tions!: The correct answer? B, baby! Your tendency to want the briefest of vacations from wedded bliss might be causally connected to what he’s done, but the reality of it is I think you’re both responding to the same thing: just a need for a little … break. Remember, though: Quality-wise, male escorts can be wildly uneven.
Now it’d be nice if honesty was the best policy in this instance, but as you’ve seen with your parents, that is not always the case. Look at it like this: You don’t tell your husband every time you pass gas, do you? Sorry to couple coupling and flatulence, but I think you’re asking for a pass to indulge in an indulgence, and I tend to think these things need not be fraught. Especially since the best part of having control is losing it. And when you lose it with professionals, at least at the end of the engagement they’re not trying to call you at home.
Many will tell me/you that my advice is destabilizing, but to quote Linton Kwesi Johnson, “I’m a merciless realist” and not a single one of us is going to live happily in bonded misery long (witness: the current divorce rate). So do what you gotta do to keep that happy marriage happy.
EUGENE, SIR: Love your work! I’ve been married for 10 years and have never given my wife an orgasm through cunnilingus. I love going down on her and have watched videos, read advice columns, etc., to no avail. Every time I seem to get her going, she makes me stop due to her becoming too sensitive. I can bring her to multiple orgasms with my hands, but oral satisfaction has eluded me. Any advice? —M. Wilson
Dear Mr. Wilson: Oral satisfaction? What? Hers or yours? Listen, leave the woman in peace with all of this box-checking. I mean, the worst thing you can do to make good sex worse is to overthink it. Then it becomes a grim Bataan Death March to some sort of pro-forma Penthouse letter shit. You relax? She’ll relax. And if both of you are relaxed? Well, anything could happen, really. But now? Well, I’ll yield the floor to Little Richard here in the original words to “Tutti Fruitti”: “If it don’t fit, don’t force it.” That, or a variation: Lighten the touch before you get to “too sensitive.” Hope this helps.