Why you should care
Because good sex is not accidental.
EUGENE, SIR: First I must apologize for my bad English, I am not a native speaker and I got to your site via BILD.de. But my husband and I like to have sex while we’re drunk. We’re much more uninhibited when we do it like that. I think that I am a little twisted, because I like it when it gets rough - like imaginary rape and things like that. Am I normal? I love the thought of him overpowering me and we only do it when we’re drunk. I don’t know, I would like to have it going more often like that but when I am sober I feel ashamed about my fantasies though we do it together and he never complained about it. But how do I get rid of this shameful feeling afterward? And how do I get myself to do it when I am sober? Or is it an “only when drunk” thing? —Sophia
Dear Ms. Loren: Dein Englisch ist sehr gut und besser dann meine schlect Deustch aber … me continuing on in German will help no one least of all YOU. But liquor…been used for thousands of years for precisely the reasons you suggest: the lowering of inhibitions, the consequent notion that in wine there is truth, and if you’re careful with dosage levels alcohol’s ability to, in men most usefully maybe, delay ejaculation withOUT impeding an erection. So there is that. That and all the rest of what you detail seems to fall well within the purview of “normal” by our lights.
In fact study after study, for example confirms the whole rape fantasy as an, um, thing. The Pelletier-Herold study even pegs the number of women into this idea at over half. Though honestly this is probably more a fantasy of desire and less of an interest in being a victim of a violent crime. So far, so good. The trouble spot in my mind? The reliance on alcohol as a catalyst to getting this to happen, but perhaps this is part of the erotic appeal of the shame you feel post-facto.
So let’s say this: keep the shame since that has some functional appeal. That is, sex sometimes works best as transgression. Monitor the alcohol intake so it stays within non-alcoholic levels. However, “how do I get myself to do it when I am sober?” That’s tougher.
For some it’s as easy as turning out the lights to move past joykilling self-consciousness. For you two? Alcohol. But doing it without alcohol? Well, it’s possible, but being other than yourself is hard under the best of circumstances where you might be relaxed and not paying attention but add in sex and guilt and awareness and another person? Not so probable without a supreme act of will, a guide (a third person?), a situation that dictates you be the other (a sex club), or…some variation of what you’re already doing.
Sorry to not be more helpful but above all things I’m a realist. And realistically speaking? This will require lots of work on your part. Work most won’t want to put in. Will you? I hope so.
Big, Bigger, Biggest?
EUGENE, SIR: The good news is, I just was in my first threesome. The bad news is I had to follow a guy who was much bigger than me. I had just thought most men were average but now I think I have no idea what average is, so what is it? —Alex G.
Dear G-Unit: Women, in the dark nights of their souls like to imagine that men have it together and they’re really the ones that are insecure messes but everytime penis size issues, articles, studies come up there’s not a single man in the house who is not listening. If he’s big he’s listening in order to exult in his largesse. If he’s not big he’s doing it to luxuriate in the self-flagellation that comes from bearing the cross of what he perceives to be a permanent inadequacy. Either way no man is chattering away listening to anything else when the topic comes up. Which is why when the Journal of Sexual Medicine polled the poles of about 1,661 men a few years ago, the portion of the world with penises listened and the findings? The average erect penis is about 5.5 inches long (14 cm) with a range that goes from 1.6 inches (4 cm) to 10.2 inches long (26 cm). Allowing for variables, they found that almost 20 percent of men have an erect penis less than 4.5 inches (12.5 cm). None of this will make you feel better if that 20 percent includes you but I’ll spare you the “it’s not the meat, it’s the motion” homilies and suggest focus on the qualities you do have. Like: you get invited to threesomes! Getting invited back is immaterial. Sort of.
Making De Grade
EUGENE, SIR: I have to admit I find myself wanting to be degraded but choosing bad men who will do this automatically doesn’t work and good men who do this unwillingly is no fun either. Advertising for this has not worked as stupid men are also no fun. Your help, sir. — name withheld by request
Dear Shame Is the Game: Give the online avenue a little bit more time. It has the added extra benefit of being able to draw to you that which is most in line with specifically what you’re looking for if you’re diligent about it. And let’s you rule out the weak and unfit. So put in the work and you’ll be groveling in no time.
You got questions. That’s not a question, that’s a statement of fact. So send them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. None too small, none too big, and definitely none too stupid. I got answers.