Why you should care
Because there’s good sucking and bad sucking, and knowing which is which might make all the difference in the world.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
EUGENE, SIR: I’m 63 and on many dating sites, but no luck, as all I get are gold diggers. I’m about to give up. So where at 63 do you go to get laid? —Anthony Montanaro
Dear A.M. to the P.M.: Famous Nazi architect Albert Speer had this theory about buildings, which he stole, apparently, but that he so piquantly called the Theory of Ruin Value. The prevailing idea? That buildings should look as good in decline as they did the moment they were made. So a good-looking and well-made building should be so when first made and 1,000 years later. See, the Nazis thought they were going to last 1,000 years, and while that plan didn’t really work out for them, the idea of lasting value is one that I’d like you to walk away from this with. With one small difference: The Nazis believed that this would happen minus any sort of maintenance. If you try this without any sort of maintenance, you may find yourself where you are now. And I say this having no idea what you look like. I just know that a jacked-up-looking 63-year-old is probably having as much luck out there trying to get laid as jacked-up-looking 23-year-olds are.
But on to your query, which I passed along to a NON-jacked-up-looking 63-year-old woman, seeing as she’s imminently better qualified to explain your failures in life to you than I am. “Is he trying to date women young enough to be his daughter? If he’s using Match.com, for example, and his preferences state that he’s interested in women in their 20s, he’ll be frozen out so hard and fast, he’ll think he’s got frostbite,” she says, while saying that she also is refusing to give her name.
Would you date him?
“Absolutely not.” And, why not? “The gold-diggers comment and the fact that he is luckless.” In other words, the guys she wants to date? They don’t write letters like this. After my repeated attempts to actually get you a date and her repeated refusals, she does offer this: “His best bet would be to just do what he likes and keep his eyes open.” What she’s suggesting? I guess the idea that like attracts like, and the people who accrete around specific activities — gardening, ice hockey, bitter reminiscing — are more likely to offer up willing partners.
However, if you just want sex? And are concerned overly much about money? Try professionals. Or sex clubs. The former will float you no matter how beaten up you are. The latter? Well, you’re on your own. Which is where I now leave you. But let me know how it goes.
The Real Love Gambit
EUGENE, SIR: I’m 43. Been through a lot of relationships, and it seems bad thoughts are setting in. They don’t go away. Unless it’s real love. But my guess is, more often than not, it’s not. Because if it were real love, he would overlook your shortcomings and vice versa. That’s real love. You would do anything for each other and you wouldn’t want anyone else. I had it once. —Derick Long
Dear Long Lasting: You didn’t ask me a question. Which is fine. Mostly as it gives me a chance to try to figure out why you wrote in the first place. In this instance, I’m going to have to say it was probably specifically to have me critique this fantasy idea you’re nursing about “real love.” To which I will respond: Why should anyone overlook your shortcomings? Your lovers are not your parents, who might bear some responsibility for those shortcomings. And why is the standard that “You would do anything for each other”? Realistically, if my partner wants to see 18 hours of anything written or filmed by Lena Dunham, then I, regardless of how much love is at stake, might have to decline. This does not make it less than “real love.” This makes it realistic love, one where we’re looking at averages. So you horse trade nine hours of Dunham for nine hours of MMA. Everyone doesn’t go away happy but equally miserable — a deal many of us can live with.
Where you will get some sympathy from me? On “anyone else.” I figure this is a pretty comfortable outside standard. Which supports the idea in my mind that it takes a lot of relationships maybe to find the one that best suits you since having many relationships lets you short-circuit that urge to say, “Why, I’ve never dated a Latvian before!” and diminishes whatever power it might have had over a more sophomore set of circumstances that has you curious about greener grass. But there’s a difference between “wanting” anyone else and actually having anyone else. While I do find them closely related and love blots out others, or has a tendency to, I don’t think if there’s a glimmer of interest in others it’s the death of your real love. As long as it’s followed up by some clear thinking regarding who is offering what and your partner comes out on top, I think you’re fine.
So you have asked no question, and I have not answered a question that has not been asked. I’d hope this would give you strength enough to realize that if you had it once, you may be lucky enough to have it again, and you can’t lose if you don’t quit.
Age + Orgasm
EUGENE, SIR: I’m 50 and it is hard for me to satisfy my wife when she needs love. —P.B.
Dear Peanut Butter: No idea how long you’ve been together, how your health is, how her health is, first or second marriages, kids or not … you’ve literally given me nothing to help me help you. This is the question-column equivalent of walking into a room and screaming “GREEN?!?!” So given the broadest parameters, I think I have to say: Get in shape, stay in shape (books and barbells), listen more than you talk, shower frequently, clean up every now and then and don’t try to screw her friends.