Why you should care
Because bringing good sex to the table/bed/kitchen countertop is nobody’s business but yours.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
Creeps vs. Creeps
EUGENE, SIR: My husband and I went through some tough times. I asked him what he thought I could do to improve our relationship. I asked honestly and hoped he would answer honestly. He told me to fix my teeth and to get my breasts augmented. I did both of those things. Our relationship started again. Two months later, we had problems again. I asked again. He told me he wanted someone more adventurous in bed. I asked what he meant. He didn’t say. So I started watching the kind of porn I could see he was watching on the home computer and I started talking dirty to him. He stopped me right in the middle of sex and told me that it gave him “the creeps.” So, is there a key to being porn-star sexy? I mean, how do I pull this off? — Carla
Dear Can’t Win for Losing: It’s extremely rare that a query generates an emotional response in me so close to how you might feel watching an old man running for a bus that he’ll never catch in a living, breathing metaphor for futility as this one does, but there you have it. Face to face with the terrible, stark reality that no amount of anything you can do for this man will ever be enough because that’s really not the point for him, I’m not sure I could feel anything else. You see, he’s not trying to fix you because you’re “wrong.” No. He’s trying to fix you because he’s not right. Adjustment after adjustment and your willingness to make them will get you no closer to a “normal” relationship with this man than if you had done nothing.
The good news is that regardless of why you made the changes, some would call them “self-improvements.” At least the part having to do with dental care. The bad news: The relationship is dead. And asking me how to be “porn-star sexy” is like asking me to advise on the worst kind of Kabuki theater whereby you struggle to save a relationship by mouthing empty approximations of “passion” in order to please a guy who wouldn’t know real passion if it ran him down in a pornmobile.
Now, to answer your question, in your next relationship — and this one shouldn’t be your last one — real sexiness is best achieved, according to the Ohio Players, by not fighting the feeling. Infinitely more sensible to get judged for what and who you really are than some bullshit simulacrum. Scooting right by inhibitions and that killing self-consciousness would be a step in the right direction. And that’s away from where you are and to, let’s hope, a much better place.
EUGENE, SIR: My girlfriend just told me in a casual way that she sometimes holds back on orgasming because it feels good enough that she wants it to last longer than her body wants it to. I work hard to get her to orgasm and to be a good lover in general, so to hear this is a bit frustrating. I don’t want to rush her. I also don’t want to spend 90 minutes trying to get her off. Is there a way to fix this so I don’t look like an ass? — Name withheld by request
Dear Charlie Brown: Usually I’m all, like, sex positive and whatnot, but 90 minutes is a lot of work and I call it such for one simple reason: No one takes 90 minutes to masturbate. Now, some might spend 90 minutes MASTURBATING, but no one needs to spend 90 minutes to orgasm when they are masturbating (and if you do, please send me an email). Which means perhaps she is trying to time her orgasm to yours. Which means you have two people waiting on each other. Like when you call someone and they pick up the phone but you don’t hear them and so both of you are listening to dead air waiting for the other to say something. I find sex is best when people pursue their own ends. Solicitousness is one thing, but let’s not be ridiculous. If you can reliably count on your partner to get theirs, then it’s all about catching the wave, and if you’re any kind of a good surfer, you know some you catch and some you don’t. And if you miss one? Another will be along before too long. So go for yours, young sir, get ready for a Round Two so she can get hers, and hope you can back off of the back-destroying 90-minute mark just a bit. Good luck.
Taking the Plunge?
EUGENE, SIR: My boyfriend’s penis gets larger when he’s about to come and it starts to hurt, so I have to change position and then he gets annoyed that I have to move just when he’s about to come and then I get annoyed that he’s annoyed. Help. — S.J.
Dear San Jose: If his penis at its largest hurts in one position? Put that position into your rotation of positions first and finish off with one that limits his thrusting depth. Which one would this be? Experimentation is half the fun, but you lying on your side might work since you can foreshorten his stroke by scissoring your legs. But each person is different, so figure out which kind you are and have at it.