Why you should care
Because, well, you know what they say about you, don’t you?
The Mellowest of Coconut Oils
EUGENE, SIR: I like oral sex. My girlfriend likes that I like it too. So far, so good. But sometimes I orgasm before she does and while I am eager to finish her off with my mouth, I’m not so eager to do it with a mouth full of my own semen. She thinks this is stupid, but I think if I was the kind who got excited about having a mouthful of semen, she and I would not be having sex anyway, right? —Jim
Dear Jimmy Crack Corn: You’re a man, right? And you masturbate, or have on occasion, yes? And unless you had some weird, freaky transplant, the kind you only see in movies with Rosey Grier where they might transplant another’s body part on to one of your body parts, you’re masturbating with your hand. The hand of a man.
Does this make you feel more or less gay?
But here I am assuming, and doing so because of your last query, that it’s some sort of homosexual panic–fueled distaste for semen that’s driving your squeamishness. While I might be wrong about this, and I don’t think I am, you are fully OK in my book to like or dislike whatever you like or dislike without having it politicized all to hell, but when you send me an email because you feel like your sex life is being politicized all to hell, I might just politicize it all to hell too.
Which is to say: I’m sure you’ve put far more horrible things in your mouth. A lot more and a lot more often. So this is symbolic distaste. Unless you’re allergic to your own semen. Which I also doubt.
JUST because it’s symbolic doesn’t mean it’s invalid, though, but precisely what message does it send when what’s good for the goose is not so good for the gander?
So it’s a paradox: While we’re all OK with you liking what you like without need for explanation or defense on the one hand, your partner most certainly should have a reasonable expectation of having her oral sex when she wants her oral sex, and just as rapidly.
Where does this leave you? You’ve let your feelings be known. She could choose to clean up on the “rare” occasion that you orgasm first, right? This would be a nice thing to do. But if she does not? Well, I’m sure she’d hate the idea of you doing what you hate, so you’re at an impasse. You can eat and bear it. Or draw a semen-y line in the sand. OR absolutely never, ever orgasm before her. A turn of events she MAY not complain about in the end. Hope this helps.
Rooting, Tooting, Prostituting
EUGENE, SIR: I’m two years into a relationship that is getting serious, and I want to tell him about my brief time doing professional sex work. I am sure this admission should see me being sorry about it with some sort of sob story attached, but this is not at all how I feel about my time working. I’m afraid that I’ll see in his eyes that he wants that, and I just don’t want to hate him because of it. Why would this make a man feel better? You’re a man, so I am asking you. —CM
Dear Centimeter: What you call him “feeling better” is probably him just trying to come to an understanding of what this means in light of everything else he might think it means. Does it mean you were sexually abused? As a child or a working professional? Does it mean STD tests are in order? Does it mean that the ways in which he may be sexually wanting will be readily apparent much more quickly? Does it mean you will get bored sooner/faster because of the sexually wanting thing? Does it mean you’ve had sex with his friends?
It could mean lots of things. Or it could mean nothing. But if you don’t think he should have just a little room to grow into this, you might get what you wish for: a guy for whom hearing that you were a hooker is no more or less significant than hearing that you used to be a Girl Scout. WHICH would send you in a spiral of trying to figure out if he’s so casual about it because he’s gone to lots of prostitutes. Does it mean he’s too wild to be domesticated? Does it mean he will be next hitting on your friends?
Who knows? Not me. Not you either. But figuring all of this stuff out is what we’re here for. So give both of you some room and get to figuring it out.
80 Miles High
EUGENE, SIR: Which drugs are best to have sex on? —Name withheld by request
Dear Trollolol: Let me get this straight. In a publication with over 25 million readers, your expectation is that I will deliver a primer on the best illegal narcotics to take to “improve” the quality of the sexual contact you’re having with another person whom I’d be advising to take the same illegal narcotic? And even if the answer is NOT an illegal narcotic, because I’m not a real medical professional, you’re asking me to render a medical opinion regarding penis pills?
Hahahahaha….OK. Well, because I don’t really believe in leaving any question unanswered, I’ll say this: Your sex will improve 1,000 percent if you’re high on LIFE!
Thanks for writing.