Why you should care
Because it’s a sexual life-or-death situation!
Letting Bi-Gones Be Bi-Gones
EUGENE, SIR: A few summers ago, I decided to try something new and had an affair. He’d been dropping hints for years. I took him up on the offer. It was a few weeks during the summer, mostly drunken. I had felt this tension around homosexuality and so decided to see for myself. I didn’t enjoy it much but felt an obligation to not be a bisexual creep, so I backed out slowly. He was hurt, but it seemed a natural end when summer came and I went back to school. The problem is we have friends in common, and whenever we’ve been together socializing back home or even when my name comes up, I have heard from other people, he name-checks me in a way that leaves people wondering. This is his intent, and I hate it. This is worse than an old girlfriend. Is there a tactful way to get him to stop? —Andre
Dear Once Bitten: Gore Vidal in his memoir Palimpsest made a calculation that by the time he was 25, he had had sex with 1,000 men. Give or take a few. He also generally rejected any public understanding of him being a gay man. Specifically the kind of man who might enjoy having sex with 1,000 men.
But he also went one bridge too far in my mind when he stressed that in every one of those sexual encounters, he had been the “pitcher” and not the “catcher.” Or as Morrissey once sang in “Spring-Heeled Jim,” “He’ll ‘do,’ he’ll never be ‘done to.’” A distinction without a difference and something that might cause me to think that the gent protesteth too much, since in the end, we’re mammals, sexual activity is both as simple and as complex as sexual identity and really: Who gives a crap?
So yes, exes talking smack will be a drag. Given. But your concern seems more to me that you’re not interested in letting/having a summer of madness define who it is you are vis-à-vis bisexuality. Fine, I get it. My preferred method of dealing with things I don’t like? Something I picked up from Prince, and I paraphrase: I’d treat it like I treat other things I don’t like: I’d make believe it doesn’t exist. Anything else plunges you into the “be involved with me” hole. You talking, him talking and in the end, no guarantee that things will change. Like a Middle Eastern negotiation. Forget about it.
So one person is telling the world you’re gay? Congratulations.
EUGENE, SIR: My lady likes being spanked. No problem. But she has decided she wants to see my face when she’s being spanked. And she’s suggesting someone else spank her so I can stand in front of her and she can see me watch her. One, what’s the best way to find someone to do this, and two, how do I not feel like this is some kind of weird threesome? —Sparing the Rod
Dear Okey Doke: She wants to watch you watching her while she’s being spanked? It is customary in my culture when one desires that which she is desiring that you purchase this thing called: a mirror. A mirror, when properly placed, lets you see the person who is spanking you while they are spanking you. No matter — now, get this — no matter how long they spank you.
However, after dedicating think-tank levels of thought to how it is both of you had managed to forget that such a thing exists, I have to address the latter part of your question and say that, yes, this seems like a confusingly graceless way to broach a threesome, but I don’t know you both well enough to know. So in the name of “better safe than sorry,” let’s assume that she means just what she says. I’m sure Craigslist is probably still good for finding activity partners that share whatever kink you want to share. That or the Lifestyle Lounge.
And maybe watching really means just watching. I don’t know. But you might. In any case, something to consider and to be OK with before you find yourself in a place where you haven’t considered or thought about what could be a, um, life-changing experience.
EUGENE, SIR: Why is it that some girls’ anal orgasms are 10 times more intense than their vaginal ones? Is it just the thrill connected to violation and submission, or is there some physiological basis for why the colon creates such mind-melting pleasure? —Bob
Dear Rector Robert: To quote Roseanne Roseannadanna, you ask a lot of questions. Even if you actually asked only one question, in actual fact, yours requires some heavy lifting, since your metrics are loosey-goosey. Ten times? Anal versus vaginal? Violation and submission? These are all inexact measures, and measuring sex specifically by way of “violation and submission” seems more about your understanding of any single sex act than the sex act itself. Culture-bound, brain-weirdness — but this is what makes sex so cool.
However, the physiological part is something we can sink our teeth into, since it seeks to connect to some sort of science: why this is working for you at least some of the time versus not. So for this, we go to our go-to doctor for such queries, Dr. Steve Ballinger.
He says, “Human sexual response is not a big part of medical training. Gynecologists are interested in diseases of the lady parts and reproduction; psychiatrists hand out pills in an attempt to keep people at work and off death row. Aside from Kinsey or Masters and Johnson (who pretty much both conclude that human sexual response is all over the map), no one has ever tried to figure out how the nerves in the penis, anus, perineum, prostate, perineal body, nipples, clitoris, vaginal walls, sensorium, limbic system and cerebral cortex all work together to create an orgasm of any amplitude. What is pretty clear is that orgasms and the people who have them are about as unique as snowflakes, and for many of the same reasons.”
Which is to say that there are more things in heaven and earth than you’ll find in your books of science, sir. Enjoy it while you got it.