Why you should care
Because our sex advice might save your life. Or your sex life at the very least.
EUGENE, SIR: Has the anus become the new battlefield? I don’t mind anal sex and have had it on occasion with my boyfriend. But I have found that once I let a guy go “there” it’s almost like he forgets that I have a vagina. Putting me in a position where I have to control it since they don’t seem to be able to. Which makes The Bitch. But is there anything less attractive than someone begging for anal? If there is I can’t think of it. — name withheld
Dear Anal Del Ray: I can think of a few things worse than someone begging for anal and sadly and largely as a result of doing this job, I am doing so right now. However, this won’t help you in your present plight playing a butt cop. Which, you’re right, has to be a drag since sex if played well and best is a spontaneous expressive mix of fantasy, biology, animal need and somewhere in there sometimes, love.
Lockstep lust is therefore no kind of lust at all. But maybe it’s not lockstep. Maybe he randomly and lustily just finds himself…there. A place maybe he’s likely to find himself, let’s just say, 50-percent of the time. In any case this is one of those things if it FEELS like a LOT it probably IS a lot and no one needs a counter to keep track of the number of times stuff is going up their butt. So we’re with you on that.
But how to wrangle this away from unattractive unmanageability to manageable attractiveness? Here I’m going to pull a Dear Abby: show him this column. Nothing more effective than seeing yourself in a mirror. On your knees. Begging for anal. Not a good look on many and for many a disincentive to let their anal obsession play unchecked. Good luck.
EUGENE, SIR: My man is completely cool with what I’ve had to acknowledge is my longheld but not expressed kink: pee. He’s completely cool with me urinating on him so that’s not the problem. The problem is he refuses to participate in the clean up. I say that I have not had a second thought about cleaning sheets he’s ejaculated on. So why is this now suddenly a problem? I think he’s just trying to get out of housework and frankly my interest in peeing on him now has dropped to like zero. But just because my interest in peeing on him has dropped to zero doesn’t mean I’ve lost interest in peeing on someone. But I prefer it to be him. Which brings us back around to the tiring laundry discussion. Help. — Ondine
Dear Ms. Micturate: Grab a pen, a piece of paper, turn off your phone, grab a seat and get ready to write this down. OK. Ready? Here we go: bathtub. Having sex in the bathroom is not that strange of a place in the house to have sex, as places to have sex go. And while you’re in the bathroom, since this activity is almost planned and not a surprise to either of you, climb into the tub and let fly. On conclusion you can both shower and no sheets or mattress pads to deal with.
While I suspect there are deeper issues here vis a vis household chores this is a SEX column and not a HELP ME TRY TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO NEGOTIATE THE CHORES AROUND MY FRIGGIN’ HOUSE column.
EUGENE, SIR: I am a set designer. I had been keeping some stuff from a shoot at my house, stacked up by my bed. One of those things was a Nazi flag, under some books. Having sex the other night my girlfriend of a few months saw it, and pulled it down on us. I tried to pick up. I’m a neat freak. But also because I didn’t want to be having sex on a swastika. She told me to leave it where it was. Which freaked me not the least of which was because she’s Jewish. I understand that people work through trauma in different ways but would I be out of line refusing to go along with this? — Tom
Dear Col. Klink: Your sensitivity is to be applauded and she’d probably be better off steering clear of guys who would NOT have a problem with this. That being said, unless she’s in her 90s, her trauma as connected to the Third Reich at the very least is symbolic, at the most historic. Not to minimize anyone’s trauma around an event as horrible as the Holocaust, but it may be that she might feel that your characterization of, for her, a minor league fantasy kink is overblown. And her initiation of it, seems to me to be an indication that she might be right.
Fantasy, either realized or unrealized, can be, and often is, harmless. I don’t have statistics to back this up but I do know that you could pretend to be a “sexy librarian/French maid” from now until time immemorial and the negative effects on ME would be highly neglible. On you too, I imagine. And on society in general. Now if she starts fomenting seditious chatter in beerhalls and suggesting you wear uniforms and attack Poland, then write me back. Until then, maybe: entspannen. Which is German for … take it easy.