Why you should care
Because we’ll all laugh at you if you don’t.
A Cut Above
EUGENE, SIR: I just overheard this story about a woman in China who cut off her husband’s penis not once but twice, after finding him using her phone to sext someone. Eating in a restaurant next to a table full of women who were laughing about it. So cut once at home. A second time after they reattached it at the hospital. The second time she threw it out the window. Hahahahahahahaha. Do you have to have a penis to find this not funny? If I had cut off someone’s breast for cheating would this be as funny? — name withheld
Dear Gander: Easy. There is humor, knock-knock jokes for example, and there is black humor, or gallow’s humor. The former makes you laugh and roll your eyes. The latter makes you laugh, roll your eyes and irk the guy at the next table into glaring at you. They’re actually both funny, eliciting an involuntary laugh response, but one bites a little.
Or like someone once said, humor is hostility masked. Or in this case, unmasked.
But really philosophically speaking you’re trying to plumb the depths of word and deed, I would guess. Are these women unkind, penis chopping harridans in their real lives? Are there real lives informed that they think genital mutiliation is for laughs? Or are they just astounded at how quickly and efficiently frontier justice worked for a man who was stupid enough to sext from his WIFE’S phone? I don’t know. But what I do know is this: They thought it was funny for a variety of reasons. You did not.
No one in that group would argue with you that it was actually really horrible and if your penis was cut off in the restaurant while they watched, no matter what the reason, I feel fairly certain that they would describe their evening later as “ruined”. So, fundamentally, everyone is in agreement. I’m even in agreement with you and would have to say if a table full of men were sitting near me in a nice restaurant speaking crudely about something horrific I’d count my meal as having been compromised as well.
But you know what? This is the price that has to be paid when living around dumbasses. Also know as humans. Welcome to Planet Earth.
EUGENE, SIR: I hate having sex with my husband. So I try to discourage him. Mostly by refusing to shave. Problem is my lover hates the unshaved look so I am in a bind. If I shave, my husband wants to have sex with me, which I don’t want. If I don’t, my husband still does but my lover does not. — Elisabeth
Dear Clint: Clearly this is not about easy answers like “leave your husband.” I’ll just have to assume you have your reasons and let it go at that. But solution-wise? See, the problem with being married is that even if you send what’s a fairly universal signal in the single world – going to bed in sweat pants with a stained t-shirt = no sex – in the married world that might just be called “Tuesday”.
So you’ll need other more effective way to get the husband off of your back and your lover on your back and the answer is easy and based on an informal survey of some of the least sexy things in the world and number one, at least on my least? Finances.
Discussing cash shortfalls as a prelude to sexy? Totally unsexy and likely to cool a husband’s jets in a way that hairy, smelly, dirty sweatpants won’t because no one can sexify themselves out of “foreclosure”.
This is a harsh nuclear measure but I’m here to help!
Look At That!
EUGENE, SIR: We were having some daytime sex. In our bathroom. I was enjoying myself. Then I caught my boyfriend’s eyes in the mirror. Not because he was looking at me. But because he wasn’t looking at me. He was looking out the window. We live in a first floor apartment near a swimming pool and there were people in the pool. He was watching them. I slammed the window shut and told him he was free to go swimming if he wanted. He says I am overreacting. I think that’s a bullshit response. Opinion please. — Burned by Bathing Beauties
Dear B4: Simple take? You’re right, he’s wrong. He’d know this if he had caught you watching shirtless Brad Pitt videos while he, who perhaps looks nothing like Brad Pitt, worked away in the background.
More importantly though, this was about a moment between and betwixt the two of you and if you had known it was going to involve all and sundry well you could have planned for it. By? By perhaps kicking in those aforementioned shirtless Brad Pitt videos.
So while on the one hand this is just some harmless voyeurism, just borderline scumbaggy. On the other hand making room for this in your relationship would have prevented you from feeling like this is a nasty surprise. But, in his defense, even if very unlikely, maybe this was the first time he realized that he was this type of a guy. No way of me knowing and I’d guess that he has been sufficiently traumatized now that the likelihood of you drawing him out again is low.
Your friends might suggest making him suffer. I can guarantee you that this is going to be the least effective response. I don’t suggest grinning and bearing it either. I am suggesting making the most of a glimpse into the head of the man you’re with and make your decisions going forward in the full blush of what you now know.
Oh, and get some curtains in that bathroom.