Bad Dads, Fire Starters + Third Legs
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
Because while sex is fundamental, bad sex is not. At all.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
EUGENE, SIR: I am having sex with a beautiful, considerably younger female partner. When we are really getting into the act — pounding hard, say, doggie (doggy?) style — she will utter things like, “Fuck me, Daddy!” or “Spank me, Daddy! I been a bad girl!” It’s like stuff she saw in a movie or something. But … I actually have daughters and I don’t find it arousing when she calls me Daddy! I almost lose my rhythm and drive. Am I the only one who doesn’t dig this kind of sex talk? I love having sex with her but dread the sex talk. How can I tell her? — DD
Dear Dapper Dan: I don’t know whether it’s true or not, but Tony Curtis was supposedly once quizzed about dating women not only younger than he was but younger than his own daughter. Purportedly his response was, “Can you imagine me going into Spago with a woman my own age? Disgusting.” However, what he didn’t give a nod to and what you’re dealing with now is that while volumes are spoken about the man who can pull a younger woman, the doing so of which is a borderline status symbol (he = rich, hung or successful, maybe all three), the opposite is true as well. That is: Volumes are spoken about a woman who forgos the company of her peers for a man very possibly as old or older than her father (she = dealing with father issues, tired of eating dutch treat or really tired of bad sex, maybe all three). This is the fee you’re paying now.
I mean, can you imagine her calling a peer whom she’s getting sexy with “Daddy”? Nope. All of which doesn’t come even a little bit close to solving your problem, one that’s been highlighted in past columns and that could be filed under “When Talking Sexy Goes Wrong.” On the one hand, unbridled sexual expression is great, and stifling someone’s screams of pleasure seems unkind (unless you’re having sex in public or in a Burger King bathroom). On the other hand, if her vocalizing stops your erection dead in its tracks, almost halting the sex it came for, well, you don’t have to be a genius to see that this won’t work well over the long run.
Nonverbal solution? Kissing is always a good way to quiet someone down. Fingers in the mouth can be sexy. And if both of you are OK with stuff a little rougher, maybe a face shoved in a pillow. However, these are just Band-Aid measures; you know a “Daddy” or two will slip through. So, as much as I hate to, I’ll say it: You’re going to have to talk about it. How would I talk about it? When she says it next, stop whatever you’re doing, look her in the eyes, deeply and seriously, and say, “Don’t call me ‘Daddy.’ Call me ‘Boss.’ ”
Presuming that neither of you has any weirdnesses about “bosses,” you should be just fine. Good luck!
Give It to Him, Baby
EUGENE, SIR: I’m trying to figure out how to inspire my partner to desire sex more often. I travel for work and am gone for several days at a time (usually five, but sometimes up to 15 or more). I’m very active and am so ready for some serious lovemaking when I get home. Which is to say I’m so ready to please her that it’s very difficult to keep the excitement down. I understand the life changes that may be and are happening to her. I have read quite a bit on the subject of arousal and totally enjoy getting her there. The problem is getting her started in the first place. Not sure if I’ve tried everything, so any tips would be appreciated. — Really Want Her
Dear Keith Sweat: Entire industries are built on trying to help so many of us keep “sparks alive” and “rekindle” things and whatnot that it seems to be a case of us collectively and aggressively ignoring the obvious: Eros may BE finite. Or to look at it another way, getting use to great things often takes the sheen off great things. A sheen that is somehow much shiner when you first look at it than when you look at it fresh off the road, dirty, possibly unshaven and with a crazed look in its eye. So, can you get her “started”? Well, you seem to give a nod to menopause, which gives a nod to age and the perils of age that hit us all: feeling less sexy and attractive in the face of a youth-obsessed culture. How to get around this? Other than making deals with the devil? Start with what you told me. An impassioned explanation about the passion she inspires and your need for not just anyone but her? That might do it. Or it might not. The best thing is to figure out which it’s going to be, and sooner rather than later. Letting your meat loaf is not a life plan, and if she could be happier someplace else with someone else? Well, who are you to deprive her of the chance to do so?
Three’s a Crowd
EUGENE, SIR: She wanted to have a threesome. Me, her and this friend of hers, a family friend, really. It failed badly and now she hates this friend of hers and wants me to stop talking to her. Which I think is bullshit ridiculous. Everybody is angry and miserable. Didn’t you once say threesomes were supposed to be “fun”? — Name withheld by request
Dear Oopsy Daisy: Work is supposed to be fun, spinach is supposed to be good for you and hardship is supposed to build character. But as you can see, it sometimes doesn’t work out that way. If you had read me closely, you’d know that I’ve said the girl-boy-girl ménage is the toughest one to pull off successfully. If you can get around possible penis panic, you’re better off with the boy-girl-boy kind of outing. Be that as it may, the damage is done. Your primary obligation is to your present partner, so just go along with her edict. She may let this friend back in eventually, but if you want peace throughout the land, let this one go.