Are There Hetero Health Benefits to Gay Porn?

Is gay porn a staple of most heterosexual sex play? Probably not. But is it strictly homosexual sex play? Clearly not.

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Why you should care

OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”

Gay Porn, Straight Sex

EUGENE, SIR: Sometimes my husband and I like to watch porn, either to get us in the mood or because we’re already in the mood. We are in our mid-50s and have been married since we were 30. The other night my husband put on some gay porn as a “joke.” Usually, the way we use porn, it works like background music. This time when he got behind me, I saw him in the mirror on our dresser. He was watching the porn a lot more than he usually does. Is he trying to tell me something? And if he really wants to sleep with men, where does this leave us? It could be nothing, but is this heterosexual behavior? — Name withheld by request

Dear Surprised?: Lots of questions and yet really only one question and that seems to be, is my husband a crypto-homosexual? I’d say that there is nothing “crypto” about his interest in gay pornography and him introducing it into your play tells you something he wants you to be told. The question is, what? I think if he wanted to leave you for another man he’d just say so. That’s not what he did. 

What he did do was to let you know that his field of erotic play has expanded to include a bisexual interest in cinematic depictions of homosexual sex. It could be a relativism that undergirds this idea that “well, it’s all just sex” and there’s not much difference. But there is a difference, so what he’s announcing is that the difference is not one that doesn’t appeal to him. In fact, it appeals to him enough that he introduced it, functionally, into your lovemaking. 

While it could be a precursor to, well, half a dozen things, the reality of it is that right now all you can know is that this appeals to him. Any questions beyond that? In a non-bedroom environment, perhaps you should just ask since anything he tells you is going to be way more useful than anything I’m going to be able to tell you. And, like I said, while I don’t believe this is a precursor to a discussion about divorce, I can’t know for sure. But I do know that it doesn’t have to mean that. Is gay porn a staple of most heterosexual sex play? Probably not. But is it strictly homosexual sex play? Clearly not. 

So take a deep breath, go out to dinner and do what it seems like people are forgetting how to do these days: Talk to each other about it.

 

Time to Talk About Prostitutes?

EUGENE, SIR: In that discussion you have when you first start a relationship that you feel might be serious (you know, the one where you talk about past relationships), do you think I should divulge that I slept with a prostitute? I lost my virginity at 21 but didn’t want to do it with a classmate who knew nothing, like me, and I don’t like older men who are supposed to know more, so I went to a prostitute. If I were a man I’m sure this would be no big deal, but as we know, there is a double standard for men and women. I’d like to imagine that any man I marry would know all about me, but maybe I should leave this out?  — Didn’t Ask, Shouldn’t Tell?

Dear DAST Right: A lot to unpack, but let’s do this by way of an experiment: If you remembered the name of your first pet, would you tell your lover? On the one hand, you might not since it may not be that important to you. On the other hand, you might if it was important to you. Pretty sure there’s one thing you would not do, though. I think you would not conceal it from him.

In choosing to conceal your past from a potential husband, you’re doing him and yourself a disservice since surely this is no more or less important than him knowing that Fluffy was called Fluffy, right?

Wait … what’s that? A voice in the back says, “But this is more important than a cat named Fluffy!”

To which I’d say, to whom? Realistically speaking, our sensitivities around the sensitive don’t serve anyone’s interests all that well. Calluses get created to help us, and do you really want to spend time tiptoeing around the truth, your truth, because of your lover’s potential unvoiced sensitivities around sex work and your relationship to it?

While I don’t believe this is something you need to highlight on your LinkedIn page or tell your barista — unless you really want to — I for sure think when considering a life partner this is something you should take seriously, and nothing gets more serious than total disclosure. And if he leaves after hearing what we’ve heard? Good riddance.

Laced by a Lesbian

EUGENE, SIR: I slept with a woman whom I’d slept with before, but some time had gone by. She started telling me about her “girlfriend.” I’m cool with her being bisexual. No biggie. In the morning I overslept and the next thing I know she’s running around nervous because her girlfriend has shown up. I look out the window and I can see why she’s nervous. The girlfriend seems plenty angry and is also plenty big. I try to get past the girlfriend and to my car and she starts hitting me, no questions asked. I got away with just a few bruises, but just out of curiosity, how aggressively can I go about defending myself if I have to defend myself? — Kenny

Dear Kenny’s Dead: Well, in general, the way it works according to the law enforcement folks I consulted, is that you can typically use “reasonable” force to prevent yourself from being attacked. Back that up to your “how aggressively” and it’s clear that you know there are gradations. Legally, according to people in the know, at some point you’re going to have to show that you were aware of what they were.

But you do know this is a sex column, right?

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.