Why you should care
Because it is better to have loved well and lost than to have loved poorly and lost.
Getting Lippy With It
EUGENE, SIR: I read a lot of blame tossed porn’s way for what people think are the bad things porn has done, but I’d like to add one more. Why do men almost always insist on performing cunnilingus on me? I can’t be the only woman that feels like the anxiety this causes me can’t possibly be worth it. Sure, it’s great to have a partner who wants to please me but not so great to have a partner who pleases me poorly. Can I get this to stop without hurting feelings? — Keeping It Uptown
Dear Tongue Tied:
Well, you’re saying a few different things here, and one seems to suggest that if your partners were virtuosos of vagina and could actually bring some level of oral magic to the magic show, you’d be OK, in principle, with your alone time proceeding thusly. However, the possibility of another evening of earnest fumbling, stumbling, no matter how well-intentioned, fills you with a fear and a loathing and an anxiety surrounding having to dishonestly reward these efforts to avoid “a scene.” There’s also the possibility of a philosophical distaste for, as a friend of mine once suggested, the creepy factor that comes from someone so subjugating their actual personal pleasure for a generalized bit of oral do-gooding.
I think I’d say to cover all possible bases: You’re overthinking this. Men in 2015 are fairly used to being directed. At least the kind of men who would insist on cunnilingus. So speak up. If you’re the nonverbal type, a hip shift or a head pull can also work wonders since, as any good martial artist knows, where the head goes the body will follow.
And hurting a lover’s feelings? You know what would hurt some feelings? Spending even a minute doing something that appealed to you about as much as a forced march to a root canal, that’s what. He will — in the spirit that inspired RZA to say, ”Gimme some feedback, boo, cuz I need that” — thank you. Later.
Three’s Company, Four’s A Corwd?
EUGENE, SIR: Four of us at the W Hotel, something we had planned for awhile. My girl, let’s call her Sara, looked fantastic. I cleaned up nicely, and the other couple were fully dressed to be undressed. So drinks are had. We return to the room, the party goes where it’s going. Great time was had by all. They leave, and no sooner does the door close than she starts hissing at me that she hated it. I hadn’t noticed but the guy actually didn’t screw her. He had an erection while watching me and his wife but didn’t use it on her, she said. So now they’re emailing us asking to re-meet, Sara is outraged and I’m thinking I can fix this. But how? Any ideas, oh wise-ass one? — 4 on the Floor
Dear Everybody Eats When They Come to My House:
Others might advise you to move on, but it’s not as easy as might first be assumed when it comes to finding something that’s at least 75 percent right. However, don’t, even for a second, think that the remaining 25-party-percent does not have a legitimate gripe.
Four people go to a restaurant and only three of them eat? There’s going to be a problem. Similarly, if you don’t get at the root causes of Sara’s odd-woman-out standing, you’re not only imperiling the possibility of meeting up with this other couple again, but you’re also probably putting big ol’ plus-size coffin nails in the possibility of any suchlike future engagements.
This shit’s delicate to the utmost, sitting as it does where body image meets sex appeal, and insofar as you were having a good time, something with actual real-world relationship ramifications. If you want the action to return, stage-manage this like it was your feelings that had just been crushed to dust.
Tell the other couple that Sara felt left out on account of being at an orgy and not getting laid, and that any future re-engagements completely and totally rely on this inequality being addressed. If they balk, that would be weird, and they’re gone and the heavy lifting is left to you. Which involves things that should be a pleasure to/for you. Specifically letting her know how sexy you actually think she is, unless you don’t, in which case you’ve asked the wrong questions and are indubitably a not-ready-for-prime-time player.
EUGENE, SIR: What school of philosophy supports the idea that truth needs to be part of any healthy adult relationship? I mean truth having intrinsic value in romance? LOL — James G.
Dear Like a Rug:
Every model you can imagine has been imagined, and some work as easily and readily as some fail, but your question seems to be generally theoretical and addresses truth as a value, and since we all lie, the context in which we do it seems to qualify whether or not it makes sense. In answer to the question, “Do these pants make me look fat?” everyone understands a slight bending of the truth. But if the question is “Have you slept with my best friend?” no one understands any sort of slight bending of the truth.
So I’d have to say that truth has a relative value, and more specifically I’d say it streamlines interaction. In a relationship, especially. But if it amuses you to lie, while I might question your commitment to real amusement, who am I to say, “change your ways”? Maybe you’re like the Johnny Appleseed of fat-pants questions, spreading joy wherever you go where people are concerned that their asses are too big.
In which case my advice is: Soldier on.