And Your Favorite Bodily Fluid Is?
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”
EUGENE, SIR: Are European cultures more into water sports? Not as a fetish, but as something that can be naturally incorporated into sex. Or something that happens between two people outside of intercourse, or after. As American culture is a little repressed about all things sexual or involving nudity, I would love to know. Last year my husband was looking for Polish porn for us. Since I study Polish, this falls under “cultural immersion.” He told me that a lot of what he found involved pissing. I’m not limiting this to Poland; it was just the first country he looked into. We’ve since watched some, tried it, and it’s cool. — Aurora
Dear Ms. Borealis: The rough-and-ready answer to your query? No. European cultures are not more into urine play, also known as water sports. In fact, a 2015 university study of 800 Swedish and Italian students found that while 23 percent of them, like you, had seen pee porn, the excitement level measured was extremely low. So, much like the Red Hot Chili Peppers, people know it’s out there, but don’t seem to be excited or interested beyond knowing that it’s out there.
Not a real critique, but unless you experience urolagnia (i.e., sexual excitement generated by urine or urination), urine play is an activity that while it might burnish the brand, is not the brand. There may be people out there deriving such pleasure from being urinated on or urinating on their partners — purportedly Hitler’s primary mode of sexual expression — that they achieve complete and total sexual satisfaction. I suspect, though, that it functions better as seasoning in a BDSM scenario where humiliation is on the menu, rather than as an entire meal. But this is all highly subjective, and I am sure my take is a clear case of one size not fitting all. However, if you were hoping to be an early adopter of stuff that’s cool in Europe in order to surprise and delight your friends, this might be a reach.
But barring that and allowing for the fact that you dig it? Let it fly!
How to Count to 4
EUGENE, SIR: Is there ever a good way to suggest a group thing to another couple you’re interested in but aren’t sure if they’re interested? — Name withheld by request
Dear 2 Shy Shy: There’s always a good way. Confusingly, there is also a bad way. But this is like anything else in a life that involves large amounts of nuance when we’re communicating our desire — whether for food, drink, a movie or sex — to match the receiving party’s desire. Care must be taken because nuance is not easy. Which is why so many people get it wrong, and while they think they’ve come for the sex, they’re really there for the ham-handed and raw exercise of power — and then you have a #MeToo moment on your hands.
So, if your objective is to move through life screwing up less often, embrace caution. Just not too hard. Start with invites to social events, which are a totally normal thing to do if couples are friending up and could also be a pathway to that which you’re suggesting. Invites to progressively more intimate spaces and events work as well. Presumably you are all chatting throughout this. About everything or nothing, about the possibility or not.
All of which forms a basis for what our German friends call gemütlichkeit, a feeling of comfort and comfortableness. If anything sexual comes out of anywhere, it’ll be here, and your entreaty could be verbal or nonverbal. If it’s well-received, you’re in business. If it’s not well-received, well, at least you’re among friends and you can laugh it off and move ahead.
This is what some might call the “old-fashioned way.” The “new-fashioned way”? Go online seeking like-minded folks and cut to the chase faster.
But the reality remains that this should never be forgotten: Make sure you and your partner are solid and solidly placed and have talked this out with each other thoroughly before attempting anything remotely filed under Pro Level. Good luck.
EUGENE, SIR: I am paranoid about where my semen goes, so I use condoms and always take used ones with me when I leave. The problem is that no matter what people say, using a condom during oral sex is definitely not standard, even if it should be. My question is, how do I keep partners from holding the semen in their mouths and going into the bathroom and trying to use it to impregnate themselves? — Not Going Out Like That
Dear NGOLT: Oh, bro. You got it bad, and to quote the Doors, who scared you? Yeah, I know the world could comfortably be divided into that which happens, that which is likely to happen and that which you imagine will happen, but that’s probably not an even division. Can it be said that this has never happened? No. Does that make it likely to happen? Not necessarily.
But that’s not what you asked. Presuming you’re not going to keep your condom on while being fellated, and post-fellatio your partner now has a mouthful of your semen, what are your options to avoid the unlikely, surreptitious impregnation? The least weird thing at this point flies under the heading of “modified felch” and involves you extracting the semen from her mouth with your mouth. Hope that helps.