A Statute of Limitations on Partner Porn?

A Statute of Limitations on Partner Porn?

Why you should care

Because you deserve better. In bed. And to be better. In bed.

Old, New, Borrowed, Blue?

EUGENE, SIR: As I was rummaging through an old hard drive, I found a set of 10-year-old nude pictures that my girlfriend at the time had sent me. If I’m being honest, I knew beforehand that I probably would find them there, but the reality of seeing them still startled me. After the initial shock subsided, I considered my options. I felt that the right thing to do would probably be to delete the pictures, both for her sake and mine. Ultimately I decided to jerk off to them one last time and shortly thereafter deleted them forever. I think this was a good compromise, although some part of me still can’t help but feel like I might have made a mistake. Thoughts? —Thomas

Dear Thomas the Tank Engine: I love the way humans work. “Oh. I wonder what’s on this old hard drive in a drawer marked Old Hard Drive Nudes?” But look, this is like the elephants at the Oakland Zoo. The animals had been unaccountably depressed, and the zookeepers couldn’t figure it out. They’d put out the elephant delicacies, usually pumpkins, and the pachyderms would shuffle up and joylessly eat them until someone figured out that they like to forage for their food. So they started to hide the pumpkins, and apparently there was abundant joy in caged elephant land. I guess humans are like that too since, if I am honest, I have never accidentally found much of anything.

But in the spirit of multiple discussions about consent and new ways and mores, you’re wondering if just because consent was once given does it mean it’s perpetually given and if not, have you crossed into the creep zone where you’re part of the problem and not part of the solution? Well, first of all, I’m announcing here that very few of us really need to feel very guilty for masturbating, providing it’s not ON an unwilling participant or in the middle of the supermarket. Or on anything not yours. Or outside someone’s window. Or … well, look, there are LOTS of places you shouldn’t be masturbating, but providing you were playing by the rules, I dare say that your concerns concerning consent can ease up.

If, post-relationship, no attempt is made to divide up the near-naked, nude or sexy documentation of your time together, it makes perfectly good sense to then consider those items to be gifts and used anyway you like for as long as you like. If the person post-breakup asked you to destroy them and you did not? A skosh creepy — though I’ve maintained that not a single photo has ever been taken because the taker wanted to destroy it.

Nah. I think this is fine. I can’t imagine why it wouldn’t be, but hey, it’s ME you’re talking to.

Femdom Confusion

EUGENE, SIR: I am discovering that my fantasy life has me coming back so many times to female domination that I finally got the hint and have mentioned it to my partner of the last two years, and he seems game. So that’s not the problem. The problem is I find his eagerness to try it a turn-off. Like he’s trying to co-opt yet another thing of mine. I think this means he’s probably not the guy to do this with, but if I do it with someone else, is that cheating? And if I do change my mind and do it with him, how do I keep it from being like just bad playacting? —LJ

Dear Lone Justice: Well, I’m most certainly not the one to ask about whether, within the confines of your relationship, you whipping, humiliating or in any other way dominating a person not your partner is a problem. That completely depends on the parameters of what it is you all have decided to do together and how you’re going to live your lives, both apart and together. Though I imagine your partner might be surprised that something he’s consented to you’ve gone outside the relationship to try.

Unless … he has a cuckold fantasy, in which case — though femdom or female dominance doesn’t always imply sexual contact (though it could) — you’ll both be pleased. But I don’t know this and sort of suspect it’s not the case.

What I think is really going on is you’re actually much less interested in the fantasy of domination, for whatever reason, and much MORE interested in the reality of it. Which puts you in a slightly sticky position, because you have to work with a partner who consents, but the feeling you’re seeking is one of acknowledging the consent but being mindful of the fact that it’s only you abiding by that consent decree that’s at work since your partner couldn’t really stop you even if he wanted to.

If you’re not using ropes or restraints and are not a martial artist or a Brazilian jiu-jitsu enthusiast, and you’re neither bigger nor stronger than your partner, this might be a hard reality without his compliance. But you’re looking for that line and that’s a complex line to tread. Scenes like this are heavily reliant on a very deep kind of trust, so if you’re not having this talk with whoever you want to play with, I’m going to say that you’re making a mistake. Maybe that’s a mistake you want to make, but if felony is your “fantasy,” be prepared to pay for your play.

Don’t Touch?

EUGENE, SIR: My husband gets sulky/upset when I use my hand on myself during sex. What do I say to get him to not be so weird about this? He’s cool about lots of other stuff. —Name withheld by request

Dear Rosy Palm: Tell him you’re completely OK with him using his hand on you instead of you using your hand on yourself, but digital manipulation and direct clitoral stimulation are necessary for you to achieve orgasm and “we all want that, don’t we?” Anything other than the word “yes” at this point is crazy talk and should immediately cease.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.