Why you should care
OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”
Making Men Better in Bed
EUGENE, SIR: I know porn, and I think its male-centric focus on ejaculation makes men think that sex ends there, but I’d like to tell men, or at least the last four I’ve slept with, that sex ends when the person you are having sex with has an orgasm, and maybe not even then since I, for one, can have multiple orgasms. Is this that hard to understand? If you orgasm before me, use your mouth to get me to orgasm. Or your hand. Or a toy. Something. You want to know why I didn’t call you back? Start looking here, Sherlock. Sorry for using you to vent, but most men wouldn’t even bother to have sex if it didn’t end up in orgasm for them! —Karen D.
Dear Killing ’Dem: Is this that hard to understand? The sole question you asked — and the sole answer is no. BUT wait … this is a fairly simple calculus, and in broad strokes can cover the lay of your land in 2019 and beyond, at least. If you’re committed to heterosexuality but prone to getting sexified with male teenagers, say between 18 and 22? The answer to your question might change. Sex is play, but it’s also a discipline that requires both practice and the discipline to correctly apply lessons learned.
Now a man who is shitty in bed between age 18 and 22 may get better. No guarantee, but very few are any damned good out of the box at that age. Because, yeah: discipline and practice.
Now between 22 and 26, this is where you can start to separate lifelong stumblers from the educable. Lifelong stumblers have practiced nothing, applied nothing and, as a consequence, have learned nothing. Sucking in bed at 26 is almost a sex-death sentence and a guarantee of a long line of future failures all underwritten with the world-class lie: “This has NEVER happened to me before.”
But for those who are educable and have applied themselves and gotten to 26 having learned something, the answer remains no. Satisfying you should be very easy to understand using your parameters, even given how hard it is to actually satisfy other humans and allowing how different people like different things.
Words of warning: 26 to 30 is a tricky twilight zone where lifelong stumblers can hide in plain sight, deceiving you with maybe one thing that they can do well without delivering on the most basic of premises/promises: your orgasm.
So bottom line remains … orgasm equals winning. And those people who say it’s not always about the orgasm? Those are people who are routinely having orgasms.
Where the Loads Lie?
EUGENE, SIR: My girlfriend doesn’t like me to come in her mouth. She also doesn’t like me coming on her face, her breasts or her body. We’ve been tested and are a few months in, so we’re not using condoms anymore, but even without condoms and her on the pill she’s paranoid about pregnancy, so I can’t come inside her. And even if she was into anal, which she is not, I am sure I would for sure not be allowed to come there. I’d mix in condoms just so I could come without grief, but she hates these too. Suggestions? —Name Withheld by Request
Dear Man w/o a Country: Yes, I, in fact, do have a suggestion, and it’s this: Get yourself a new girlfriend. Seriously. If you like to ski and yet you hate snow, many would suggest that OSB, or Other Sports Beckon. Similarly, the frequent end product of male acts of sexual congress successfully concluded are going to include semen. Now presuming that there’s nothing horrifying about the taste of your semen — coffee, cigarettes, certain vegetables will affect the taste of your ejaculate — to be in a position where every orgasm of yours is an occasion for placement panic is no way to go through life. I’m sure many would say keep a towel nearby and ejaculate on that and while I’m sure there are plenty of people who are cool with doing that when they’re alone, when actually having sex with other humans, it’s hard to laundry list all of the dos and don’ts, especially one that will accompany every orgasm that you have.
So my advice? Find another sport. Good luck.
EUGENE, SIR: My girlfriend wants to hold on to a video of her having sex with an ex. Keep in mind I did not know she had this video; she told me that she had it. When I asked her if I could see it, even though that made me feel a little weird, she seemed excited to share it with me, and so we watched it together. It was not exciting. I feel weird saying this, but I would really rather not only that we don’t watch it again but that she get rid of it. I mean, why would someone keep it? She doesn’t see him anymore, so I feel like a jealous fool for wanting this. I haven’t asked her to delete it yet, but I’d like to. Yes? Or no? Longtime reader. Just need a little direction. —Letting Bygones Be Gone
Dear LBBG: To paraphrase Jack Nicholson’s character from the Polanski-helmed flick Chinatown, I’d have to say, forget it, Bygones … it’s Chinatown. Out of all the things you can undo, the No. 1 thing that won’t be undone is what happened yesterday. That’s historical record and yours involves a girlfriend who made a sex flick with an ex-lover. I suppose you know that and so maybe what you’re really asking is, is her attachment to this artifact a commentary on the present state of affairs between and betwixt the two of you? Not necessarily. But even if it were, would you rather the fact-fueled artifact be what it is she draws on, or her memory, with all of the grand sheen and shine that nostalgia works on both exes and really bad ideas? My advice will be to let this one go. Deleting it is symbolic at best and really will change nothing down the road. Besides, video is the new diary. Leave her to her memories, even if they’re live and in living color.