A How-to Guide for Doing It Both Deep and Hard

Why you should care

OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”

Veni Vidi VD

EUGENE, SIR: I stayed over at a female friend’s house. We slept in the same bed, but outside of some light frottage and kissing, nothing sexual happened. And yet I still got chlamydia. My girlfriend hasn’t gotten chlamydia, so do I need to confess anything? If I confess that I did not have sex with my friend, I suspect I will not be believed. — Name withheld by request

Dear Unlucky Jim: Confession purifies the soul. This, and the truism that living in fear sucks, means you should probably tell all. And those are just two of the reasons to do so. Others would include that though people with chlamydia can be asymptomatic, if left untreated, there are a host of other problems that may crop up, including sterility. Tell it like you told me and let the chips fall where they may. While your contention that no penetration occurred may be unbelievable to some, contracting chlamydia doesn’t require penetration — shared fluids are enough — so I’m sold.

Regarding your choice of sleeping situation, and the total unavailability, apparently, of any other surface that didn’t involve kissing, frottage or other kinds of relationship-destroying issues? Well, for this you’re on your own, though I suggest, again, that the truth will set you free … to find another place to live, a new girlfriend and perhaps a few teeth, but hey, at least you had some fun, right? Eh…

 

Having a Ball

EUGENE, SIR: One of my favorite positions has me on my stomach with either my left or right leg drawn up, knee to elbow. I get good penetration, but I can’t get hard penetration — my lover complains that if he goes too hard it hurts his testicles. I haven’t heard this before. If it’s not total bullshit, how do we fix this? — Testicle Trouble

Dear Nugget Knocker: Why do you imagine he’d be lying about testicle pain? He, to quote Ol’ Dirty Bastard, might be honestly appraising the situation: “I begged, I begged, easy on my balls, they’re fragile as eggs.” Which is precisely why self-defense experts have made the groin a strike zone and why in boxing and mixed martial arts a shot in the jewels is enough for a technical timeout. So, no, I don’t suspect bullshit since I can’t see your boyfriend wanting to get out of sex with you unless it was so. Let’s consider that when he’s riding you this way, his testes are resting on your still stretched-out leg and, with a forward thrust, they are enduring unpleasant compression.

Based on some careful market research into sexual jiu jitsu, it seems if he swivels a little in the direction of your back/behind, his testes will ride behind your leg, not on it, letting him thrust as hard as need be without undue pressure on his “eggs.” The catch? If he’s not well-endowed, the thrusting can be hard, but it won’t be deep. If this is the case, then moving himself the other way, the way that places him between your legs, even if you’re turned in this three-quarters position, lets him go as deep as he’s able to and as hard as you need him to. As hard as he can thrust from the backside position? No, because in between your legs his range of motion is more limited than if he’s outside your legs.

While this analysis is totally unscientific, its practical application seems to support the above findings. Give it a try, keep us posted and good luck.

 

How to Not Get #MeToo’d

EUGENE, SIR: I’m leaving my job, but how do I get a female co-worker’s number without getting #MeToo’d? — Dan Can

Dear Canned Dan: Funny, I’ve heard some variation of this from folks like you to guys like Louis C.K. with the general trend tending toward this idea that “you can’t do anything these days.” Well, yeah, especially if by “anything” you mean trapping women in a room to watch you masturbate after having lured them there with some promise of professional advancement, and then, when they complain, threatening them. That kind of anything? Verboten. 

Likewise, asking for a phone number, say, 30 times in a row? You probably can’t/shouldn’t do that either. 

Let’s use what is called the “reasonable person” measurement. A sort of derivation of the famous take on porn: “I don’t know what it is, but I know it when I see it.”

Do reasonable people in any place other than the movies ask for a number 30 times in a row? Nope? So don’t. What about 29 times? Probably the same. Twenty-eight times? Yeah, also kind of outside the realm of reasonable.

One time? Now we’re talking: One time is pretty reasonable. Providing the person is not reporting to you, under the legal age of consent and you don’t have your pants off when you’re asking.

I could be wrong, but asking once seems reasonable. They can weigh their personal interest and respond with a yes or a no. We’re skirting the issue of the appropriateness of workplace sexual relationships, but that’s a different discussion from the one regarding the asking of a question that you could actually have asked someone in front of their mother.

So ask, or better yet, since what you’re offering should be of benefit to you both, give her your number and let her connect the dots any way she likes. It’s aboveboard, direct and, yeah, on further examination probably pretty reasonable.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.