Why you should care
Because bad sex is like bad breath and just as likely not to make you any new friends.
BDSM Rules of the Road?
EUGENE, SIR: Having taken your advice in the past — now no longer dealing with cuck weirdos; however, still dealing with cuck-adjacent weirdos — I have another question for you. I was at a BDSM club and this woman was “collared” by some “dom.” By dom, in this instance, I mean a middle-aged man with a soft stomach and poor posture. I “play” with her, then take her back into a private room and all of a sudden, I’m persona non grata in a building full of people who like to play tough but are too afraid to fill in the gaps if I’ve overstepped. Most subs I know are pretty good at letting you know their limits. She said nothing. I’m leaning toward going back there, but what do you think I should do? — CD
Dear Compact Disc: You’ve heard this before, and I am sure it’s as true now as when you first heard it: Unless you’ve been hanging around damaged nuclear power sites and things have changed, you’re no mind reader. If you were in a restaurant and taste-tested food off other diners’ plates, I’d guess you wouldn’t be getting very far before someone said something to you. Something. Anything. And here we’re only talking about french fries.
I’d imagine, and this is one of the more useful things about BDSM, or even “the lifestyle,” and that’s that every contingency is discussed by all participating parties prior to partying. Which means there’s no way you’d breached any sort of protocol over the dom’s objections because he said nothing. Consent here is just as important as in the real world, but the measures here are paradoxically much more simple and much more complex, and in the end, it doesn’t sound like you did anything to anyone that someone didn’t want done to them. You suggested something, verbally or not — “Can I have a french fry?” — and were tacitly invited to continue.
If no one wanted to give you a french fry, they, or the club’s management, should have intervened. Neither they nor the club’s management intervened. Now, maybe no one wants to be bugged when they’re just in to enjoy a little fried food, but if everyone is there to taste test from other’s plates, you’d be a damn fool to do otherwise.
Enjoy yourself in the full understanding that the community will let you know when you’ve violated whatever standard the community may or may not hold.
Hurts vs. Not
EUGENE, SIR: When we’re having sex and I am about to orgasm, my girlfriend starts pulling away because, she says, my penis gets larger when I am about to orgasm. I’ve been masturbating since I was 17 and never noticed this though, so I am wanting to know: Is this just something she’s saying to ruin my orgasm … or is it a real thing? — Size-shifter
Dear Plumps When You Cook It: So let me get this straight: The woman who has taken time out of her busy schedule to actually have sex with YOU is stymieing your orgasm like she never wanted to have sex with you in the first place for shadily defined reasons? Bro … I think it’s better to hew to the simplest story, Occam’s razor style, since this may have the highest chance of being correct in this instance. Also, given the unofficial rules of falsehoods, she would seem to gain nothing from telling you that your penis gets bigger before orgasm, outside of a burnishing of your ego.
So, absent motive and motivations to do otherwise, I must assume that she is telling the truth, and while I believe I’m unfamiliar with her sexual response, her response to you being more engorged as you get closer to orgasm and very possibly thrusting harder, seems to be perfectly in line with someone who is telling the truth. Supported by more than just anecdotal stories, and specifically, high school health classes.
And since being forewarned is being forearmed, next time, if you’re lucky enough to have one of those … before you orgasm? Plan accordingly. Your partner, even if it’s not her, will thank you.
Good, Better, Worse
EUGENE, SIR: How much time and energy should I put into helping my husband improve his sexual performance? I mean, can he actually get better? To be more specific, I don’t even need “better”; I really just need “longer.” Yes, more creative would be great too (I am fine with his size), but no one grows up creative. People have to be taught, so can I teach him this? I have tried before and met with some resistance. But he’s been orgasming before me for the last six months and I want to fix this, so suggestions are welcome. — Name withheld by request
Dear Coach: No idea how long you two have been married or even if the marriage is good. The fact that this has just recently started gives me pause, but I’m not a doctor, or a mind-reading doctor. So there is no way to tell but there is a way to guess, and my guess would be since you were OK with the sex up to where you are now, maybe it’s the last six months of him orgasming quickly that puts you off more so than his lack of creativity.
Which is to say he can orgasm as quickly as he wants if he then “creatively” employs his mouth to get you off. His failure to do so, or his lack of creativity, is a problem, but this doesn’t have to be taught. This only has to be requested. So ask him. The premise that one or both partners would leave un-orgasmed is appalling, but even more so is not to demand what you know you need. Now get out there and get him to work.
Oh, and good luck!