Why you should care
Because it doesn’t really get any better than this. Wait … oh, yes, it does.
EUGENE, SIR: She’s 42 and married. Not to me. We were having sex the other day and milk came out of her breasts. Her youngest kid is 10, so it’s not related to childbirth. I’m not saying it grossed me out, but it grossed me out. We’re still seeing each other, but I won’t put my mouth anywhere near her breasts. Three weeks in, she’s finally noticed. How do I get out of it without saying why I want to get out it? —Milk-Free
Dear Reid Fleming:
Out of all of the fluids to get squeamish about, you’re picking this one? Sex is messy, dirty and filthy, if done right/well, and this clinical aversion to the by-products seems unseemly. However, I don’t drink milk, neither from a cow nor the teat of a philandering wife, so I do understand your pique. But your interest in being able to have it magically go away of its own agency is unlikely. Moreover, it could be a sign of a more serious hormone/endocrine issue, and since she may not often be suckling her own breasts you might actually be performing a public service by saying something. Which is how you should couch it: “You know you’re lactating, right? This could be a sign of a more serious health problem.” What you’re leaving out? That it grosses you out. What she will undoubtedly get? That it grosses you out.
Guilty Feet + Rhythm
EUGENE, SIR: My best friend’s husband made a pass at another friend of mine. People drink, things happen, and we’re all close; I understand this. But the friend he made a pass at is also a He. It feels like I should tell my friend. Yes? —M.R.
Dear Nosey Parker:
No. If it were “easy”? Sure. But this is a little less easy. Or it might be totally easy and very possibly you might be telling her that which she already knows. The wonderful thing about a drunken pass is that it deserves about as much serious consideration as the sober person on the receiving end of it wants to give it, and if he’s not complaining, what do you care? I’m going to have to vote here for Keeping It Silent, Silly.