Why you should care
Because calling bullshit on that whole perpetuation of the species thing is now a thing.
I have been addicted to porn and masturbation since I was 12 or 13. I have never gotten past 12 weeks without it. I tried to do the No Fap thing — you know, the anti-masturbation movement — a few months ago. No Fappers generally preach the 90-day rule, but even though I never came close, I always felt so much better about my life when I went a few weeks without porn. I was more focused. Focused enough to realize that I am among MGTOW, Men Going Their Own Way. Or an incel, involuntary celibate.
Even though a part of me wants to enjoy sex, a part of me wants nothing to do with women anymore. I would say porn and masturbation are a double-edged sword when it comes to being among MGTOW. On the one hand, you feel like you don’t need women for anything since you can take care of yourself. On the other hand, you feel that porn makes you want to strive for the real thing. I will say this though: If I could go back in time, I wish I had never seen porn. And I say this just having finished watching porn five minutes ago, and then an hour before that.
My first porn was a video cassette that I got ahold of while my mom worked nights. She had a bit of a collection in her room in a drawer. The funny thing is sometimes I consider porn from the past better than porn today. It was almost artistic. But it’s like cocaine: Eventually, you want stronger stuff, and by 16, my mom would order films for me.
Back then, I wasn’t internet-savvy and I was messing around on the family desktop. My younger sister recorded me masturbating and showed it to my mom on a webcam. She told me she had seen the video, and both she and my sister explained that everyone does it and that I had nothing to be ashamed of. But I got my first laptop as soon as I could, probably at 17 or 18. It was too embarrassing otherwise.
I want to make my life so that I never want or need a woman again.
And my father was no help. He was an attorney and a sociopath who was emotionally abusive. My mom would talk badly about him when he was not there and use him against us, or me, when he was there. I’m 29 now, and I think by lots of measures, my story is a pretty horrible one. I strove for any escape I could find, and porn was one of them. Gaming was the other.
I’m getting my degree in finance at the end of this semester. My plan after graduation? Before becoming an incel, it was either kill myself or join the Air Force. Now it’s just to join the Air Force.
But porn has had a number of detrimental effects on me. It’s made me weak and lazy at times, even if I managed a 3.66 GPA despite my addiction. But I think it screwed me up from a visualization perspective. When you watch porn and then see a woman walking down the street, you visualize having sex with her, and your brain does not know if it’s real or not.
And it’s not like I don’t know the difference between the two. I mean, I could tell you about the most beautiful girl I’d ever known. She put me on the path to MGTOW. She was Indian and remains, to this day, the most beautiful woman I ever knew. I was proud to have her, but the story has some very sad twists to the point where I said I want to shape my life so that I never want or need a woman again. She would lay in bed with me but never have sex with me. She said she was a virgin. Turns out she was married.
See, my father was a cold man, but he would give me a lot of money while I was in college, and she noticed. I’d say she was using me for the cash. When I figured this out, I was so depressed that I had to spend four days in the psych ward. This lasted until they felt I did not belong there, even though some people at the school thought I was suicidal.
But God? There is no God. And if there is, he is sick to have given me the cards I have.
So I discovered MGTOW because, despite everything this girl cost me, I knew I still wanted her. When I came home from that college, I kept searching online for men who live life alone, or men who didn’t need women. This was around 2008 or 2009. I started listening to MGTOW content and, at first, I did not want to believe it, but everything they said was absolutely true: Women don’t truly love men; women love what men have to offer. Women want a provider and a protector.
I remember crying and shaking in my bed as the red pill started to take hold. I fell asleep, and the next morning I was the red pill. You’ve been raised from a boy to a man to believe things about women that simply are not true, I felt. On the heels of that? A red-pill rage when you get really angry that women are the way they are.
I would get a prostitute, but they’re paid to act like it feels good. I am 5’2”, 193 pounds and Latino, and I can never have the woman I always dreamed of because I know she doesn’t exist and neither does my dream of a nice home in a nice place. I think the Air Force is my best bet, and my goal now is to save to buy a condo, maybe some birds as pets and live out my days until I meet my end.
Not all incels are bad men, and I think if I can learn stoicism, like really learn it, that may be my salvation. Until then? I study Nietzsche, Arthur Schopenhauer, Seneca, Marcus Aurelius and Buddhism. But God? There is no God. And if there is, he is sick to have given me the cards I have.