Young Men, Foreplay + Late to the Plate
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
Because your world’s a better place if you’re having better sex in it.
By Eugene S. Robinson
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
For All the Young Dudes
EUGENE, SIR: I love reading your advice column. I have been propositioned by a very young (20 years old), hot man. I am quite a bit older (42) and a single mother. We have not met yet! He is talking about entering a real relationship and living together; I have only been thinking of sex. He is so sweet and kind, with a physical perfection I will never see again. Can I live with the discreet secret of having a sexual relationship with a third-year university student?
There is more to the story: I’m really 47, not 42, and have a daughter turning 16 in a month. Dating a man who is so young is crazy, right? I’m terrified my kid will disown me! Help! Any advice would be helpful. Thank you. — Hot Mama in Canada
Dear Ms. Pants on Fire: Is it really a lie if you immediately reveal that it is a lie? What kind of reality judo is that? I won’t hold it against you, though, as I suspect, from the sound of it, that your head is still spinning. I also suspect that based on what you’ve written, you met Doogie Howser online, yes? So, let me get this straight: A 20-year-old boy-man — and this is the Internet, so in fact he could be a goat — wants to live together deep in the warming bosom of real relationship-hood?
OK, it’s not my job to call bullshit on that which you are not presently calling bullshit, so I’ll just make believe everyone is telling the truth — even if, based on our initial start, that might be foolhardy — and say this: I’m advising caution. He’s going to change A LOT between 20 and 30. Such change should be encouraged, and it may involve a future that doesn’t involve you. OR it may not. Pays to be prepared no matter what, though.
However, my mother said it best when she said, as she was wont to, “Your first mind is your better mind.” Which is to say, while sex is fine, all of that relationship rebop? Well, save that for 15 years down the road when he has his own credit card and has moved out of his mom’s basement. Yeah?
Home Runs + How They’re Hit
EUGENE, SIR: I’m 20 and have been in a serious relationship with a girl for the past two years. We meet at my place when there’s no one else around and indulge in foreplay. She loves it. The only problem is her sexual feeling lasts for only 10 to 15 minutes at the most, after which she doesn’t feel like doing it anymore. She has never watched porn nor does she have much other sexual knowledge. Erotic things turn her on a bit, but not enough to create sexual desire. She feels good when we indulge in foreplay, but the feeling doesn’t last and I’m dissatisfied. We’re only exploring our upper bodies now and are wondering how to increase her sex drive. Please help! — Raj
Dear Raj Dodger: Waiting for you to figure out that she has a lower body could be driving your girlfriend to a certain type of frustration, which, at the very least, has you here with me now. Though it must be said, if I’m your Hail Mary, all might be lost. But let’s assume for a second it is an indirect signal that you should try your hand at moving things down below. This is something I’d suggest that you try. If you’re comfortable enough to chat about it, you should be comfortable enough to use your hand or your mouth to renew some sort of interest in getting things from warm to hotter.
I would guess this is it. But maybe it’s not. There’s also the outside possibility that she is orgasming from the stellar foreplay you’re dishing out, in which case her interest in continuing play will drop, leaving you feeling the way many women end up feeling when their men come first: confused and sending me letters. First, though? Try what I suggested and get back to me!
EUGENE, SIR: My girlfriend of the past six months complains that it takes me too long to orgasm. I am trying to come faster, which makes me tense, which makes it harder to come faster. Lately, she’s started getting angry and frustrated with me, and she’s said that she can’t figure out what I like and maybe she just doesn’t turn me on and I should handle things myself. So I did. Now she’s angry that I jerked off on her. How do I make this work? — Andy
Dear Not-So-Easy Andy: You’ve been together for six months. Is there some sort of government requirement that you make this work? Like, the Department of the Treasury is mandating this to happen? Look, no one likes to feel foolish and you don’t say how old you two are, but if her base of experience is shallow enough, it may be that she has no comparison point to understand that some come sooner, some later. This, however, doesn’t change the fact that hectoring you into blowing your load and then raging out on you when you do is not a strategy for success.
I hate to recommend moving on, but how about this: IF you stay, how about both of you de-signifying the importance of YOUR orgasm for just a bit? Which should let you remember that it’s about play/process and not so much about end goal. After everyone is relaxed, maybe you two should work on just doing what each of you likes. If she orgasms first? Fine. If you don’t? That’s fine too. Over time it may level off. Or it may not. But by virtue of the fact that you wrote, I can only assume you think it’s worth a try. So good luck trying!