What It Means When Your Wife Says She Slept With George Clooney
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
Life is short but credit card billing statements can be long. And dangerous.
By Eugene S. Robinson
EUGENE, SIR: I have a good friend who is texting me in desperation all day today. His wife is leaving him. She is a cold, fuckless, condescending, cruel piece of shit that (supposedly) once screwed George Clooney and now berates my friend for only making $300k a year IN FLORIDA while taking care of their two kids — one of which is severely autistic — while she, a medical salesperson, jet sets around the world and does dick-all for her family yet acts like she’s Steve Jobs. She just found credit card statements that show that he hired a bunch of hookers to whack him off in some grim post-COVID La Quintas and is threatening divorce. I am trying to coach him through this nicely, but it is not playing. What advice would you give him that I can pass along? — Helping Out a Fellow American Who’s Down on His Luck
Dear Mr. Bogart: If there was ever any question that I subcontract sex advice, let this stand as a reminder that I do subcontract sex advice. That is presuming I believe the “friend” bit and embrace the fact that this is not really you. Makes no difference though — I answer all comers, and so here I come.
First off, there’s a big difference between furtively flowed mouth sex with George Clooney and having sex with George Clooney. The difference, mostly? In the latter case, Mr. Clooney might remember your name. In the former, he would not. That be it as it may, this cudgel that is used to make this man we can call The Mark feel like he’s lucky to be where he is, is actually working since he clearly feels bad about where he might be.
And where he might be and where he’s afraid to be is: divorced.
However, we’re big fans of jungle politics in Sex With Eugene land and we don’t view threats as anything other than promises and things that must be acted on immediately. So tell your “friend” that this is not ever going to get better. I wish I could say that I believe these two could get counseled back to a healthy relationship, but that’s not going to happen.
Like Big Mama said in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, if a husband and wife are having problems, most of the time they’re starting “RIGHT THERE”… and then she points to the bed. If she’s not stepping out, and I suspect she is, she will be now for sure. Why for sure? Because her husband’s been spending family cash on hookers, and if you believe he was paying for hand jobs, you know very little about husbands.
And whether or not she steps out is immaterial since the reality is, there’s not enough good stuff going on in the bedroom for either of them to think there is a reason to stay. He didn’t go to a hooker; he went to hookers. And if she treated him like crap before, it’s unlikely she’ll be any nicer now. Really hate to see families cast asunder when kids are involved, but I also hate to see kids trapped in a hell of their parents’ making.
You must know when to hold and when to fold. Time to fold.
EUGENE, SIR: A friend asked me recently if I had slept with a person we both know but that she had just met. I’m married, so my answer was going to be “no.” Then she texted me pictures of me and the person she had asked if I slept with. The pictures were not pornographic, but we were embracing in them in a way that implied intimacy and would be uncomfortable trying to explain to my husband. Apparently, he texted them to her for reasons I’m confused about. How do I stop this without exposing my family to maybe more trouble? — Name withheld by request
Dear Uh-Oh: You’re in a bit of a spot. If you say something, you expose a possible weakness. If you say nothing, you run the risk of seeming to tacitly agree that sending out personal photos from an active private life is totally OK. The person who sent them? I would guess there’s not much you can do there that will convince him this is in bad taste.
The friend that then sent them to you by way of a warning? A threat? Who knows? Everything that had been once light and happy has now grown dark and strange and my suggestion is to go totally Zen here and realize that the universe will not be controlled by you or anyone else, and what’s going to happen is going to happen. And because the best defense is a good offense, also be prepared to explain precisely what’s happening in that photo for when you’re asked, since you most assuredly at some point will be.
EUGENE, SIR: Is there such a thing as a hypoallergenic spermicide? I still use the diaphragm and my boyfriend complains about a burning sensation when we have sex. We thought at first he was allergic to latex, but he wasn’t allergic to the condoms we were using when we first started having sex. So it must be the spermicide we use. Not needing brand recommendations, but what are you hearing? — Jena
Dear Ms. Thuringia: Spermicide is a weird thing. It does, indeed, in some cases cause burning, itching and irritation, but here’s a twist according to Planned Parenthood, “That irritation increases your risk for HIV and other STDs because it gives infections an easy pathway into your body.” That’s like buying a gun that shoots bullets out of both ends, if you ask me. So, yeah, add this to the fact that the diaphragm is either 88 percent or 94 percent effective, depending on who you talk to, it seems you’d be better off heading to greener birth control pastures. But until then, yes, the recommendation remains: try a different brand of spermicide and see if that works. Good luck.