When Paranoia Plays With Your Private Parts
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
Because trust is such an ephemeral concept.
1 Plus 1 Plus 1 = Minus 1?
EUGENE, SIR: My wife and I have been married for 12 years. I just found out she wants to have a threesome with another woman. I’m worried that she may enjoy the woman more than I will. Over the years she’s said things that make me think she’s into women and is just with me because we have kids. She also masturbates to lesbian porn at night after she thinks I’ve fallen asleep. She’s doing it once or twice a week instead of waking me and having sex with me. When we do have sex, I try to please her first by giving her oral or fingering her (I can get her to cum and squirt most the time), but there are times when she says I finger her too hard and it makes her numb. She also says I can’t get her to cum with my penis, adding that it’s her, not me. I usually cum quickly and I always feel bad afterward, but she says, “Well, you came and I have sex so you can come.” Now that I’ve found out she’s masturbating to lesbian porn, I’m not sure what to do. — Lancelot D.
Dear LL Cool D: Paranoia is like the knife that cuts twice: In this case, it has not only made you concerned about the very premise but also concerned about the concern itself. Both of which serve to blind you to the fact that there are just two things going on here, and both of those things are ones you need to pay attention to.
As I’ve said before and I’ll say again: Sex at its best is play. Even highly structured games like chess have elements of improvisation and intuition that land them clearly in the play category. So when you recite the ways in which you have succeeded in pleasuring your wife and the ways in which you have not, it feels like a recitation of how to operate a piece of machinery. It sounds, and probably feels, rote, and when your wife taps out with a virtual shrug and throws your orgasm up on the scoreboard, you better believe you’re not winning.
Which brings us to her bisexual interests. Also known as the land of You Can’t Win Here Either. Instead of focusing on the fact that she has those interests — and unrepressed interests are much better than those that are repressed — focus instead on what her having them represents. In this case, I think it’s safe to say that they represent, in the most blunt terms, someone who knows her way around a vagina. A little better than you? Yeah, probably.
This is not a cause for depression. This is a chance for you to learn something. I don’t think you can effectively stop this train, so why not participate in a way most likely to guarantee you remain on the train?
It seems to me that your wife is still interested in sex and wants to enjoy it and wants you to be there while she’s enjoying it, and maybe even enjoy it with you. The third person here, a woman, may be just a means to that end, so invite the third person in. It could help; it might hurt. But it might hurt even more if you try to stop it.
Yeah, it’s a high-stakes maneuver, but relationships are high-stakes maneuvers. You pays your money and you takes your chances.
“Sex Work” vs. Sex Work: Discuss
EUGENE, SIR: I’ve been furloughed since mid-March and haven’t gotten my stimulus check yet. I joked to a friend about how sex work didn’t seem like such a bad idea now. He joked that he’d pay for it if it came to that and I should put his name on the “list.” I joked that if he had $1,500, we should talk. He just PayPal’d me $1,500. Lockdown or no lockdown, what do I do? And, legally speaking, what should I do? — Name withheld by request
Dear Walks Like a Duck: I’m paraphrasing here, but they say that God loves the hilarious giver, i.e., he or she who gives without conditions. He or she who gives with conditions? A totally different story. You said $1,500; he said, “Here’s $1,500.” He could be giving hilariously and there’s absolutely no causal connection between the money he is giving you, as a friend, and the sex you might choose to give him, as a friend, after your rent is paid. These could, conceivably, be totally unrelated. Legally speaking.
To the first part of “what do I do here?” the answer is quite simple: Whatever you can live with.
And, by the way, furloughed employees can file for unemployment.
Keeping Enemies Close
EUGENE, SIR: During this period of social distancing everyone has been emailing everybody about this and that. I’ve been emailing with one of my wife’s friends. I know I should have stopped when she started telling me how fit I was, but I didn’t. I’ve never really liked this woman and always wanted to convince my wife that she’s a bad friend. She’s since come out and said she wants to have sex with me. Should I rat her out to my wife? — MM
Dear Marky Mark: Like Donald Sutherland said in the Clint Eastwood–helmed Kelly’s Heroes when explaining why he made postmarket modifications to his tank, “because we like to be able to get out of trouble just as fast as we got into it.” You should heed that advice.
But how to best get out of trouble is the key.
Some would say pretend the exchange hasn’t happened. Not me, though. What happens if as a prisoner of conscience she tells your wife before you do? Your wife would rather hear it from you than from her friend. So while I’m not a fan of snitching in general, in this case it seems to me that you have a troublemaker on your hands, and if she can’t zig she’s sure as shit going to want to zag.
Stop the foolishness and tell the only person who needs to know: your wife.
Unless, that is, you’re going to have sex with your spouse’s friend, and then that’s a whole other column for a whole different time.