When Bad Sex Makes You Hate Sex - OZY | A Modern Media Company
Accepting criticism is hard for some, especially those who have worked hard at getting good at the very thing they’re being criticized for.
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OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”

By Eugene S. Robinson

Sexy answers to sexy questions. Eugene@ozy.comYou have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

EUGENE, SIR: I’m a bisexual woman who for the past six years has dated more men than women. I’m in a two-year sort-of-serious, sort-of-living-together relationship with a man. We’re at that point where we should probably break up if things don’t get better, and they aren’t. Mostly because I know the difference between good cunnilingus and bad cunnilingus, and I have yet to meet a man who wants to know the difference, including the guy I am with now. When it has to do with his penis he’s great, but he doesn’t understand why that’s not enough. I’ve tried to tell him what works and what doesn’t and he sulks. I’m not a sex therapist, so I drop it. But live the rest of my life like this? No. Help? — Name withheld by request

Dear Get Down With the Get Down: You know what’s sexy? I mean I know you already know, but this is rhetorical and my setup for a punchline about oral sex. Specifically, while oral sex might be sexy, telling someone how to do it? Not so much. Unless you have an apt and engaged pupil who’s all ears, and lips, and tongue and is willing to listen, and who better to report on the state of your privates than you? Hearing something straight from the horse’s mouth, so to speak, is valuable and should be appreciated.

Accepting criticism is hard for some, especially those who have worked hard at getting good at the very thing they’re being criticized for. But the difference between those in successful relationships and those in ones that are less so is very simple: The former are absolutely, positively paranoid about the performative aspect of their expression of love for their partner. They want to get better.

So rock him to his back, place yourself on his mouth and urge what works for you out of him. Show him and don’t waste your time telling him. No dance teacher tells you how to tango and hopes it works out. They show you. So show him.

If it’s successful, you’ll be the first to know. If not? Ditto. Then, according to Hamlet, you’ll know your course. Good luck.

Penile? Penile!

EUGENE, SIR: 

  1. What to do if you do in penile strong? (sic)
  2. Penile minimum size? (sic)
  3. How to check penile? (sic)
  4. Penile best food? (sic) — SB

Dear SnapBack: Lots of questions. Lots of penile questions. So many penile questions and so little penile time, and penile space. But because “Sex With Eugene,“ the column you have taken the time to write to, takes on all comers, here are my answers. Hope they help.

  1. The male’s penile member has muscles surrounding the corpus cavernosum and the corpus spongiosum. Those muscles are responsible for erections. Conceivably, toned, or “stronger,” muscles might result in a qualitatively better erection.
  2. According to Guinness World Records, the smallest is possessed by one Mr. Mike Carson of Miami. Total length? One-sixteenth of an inch. I have not seen it with my own eyes, and you probably shouldn’t believe it until you do. But if you’re counting your blessings, this might be one: You are not Mr. Mike Carson.
  3. Eyes. Hands. Doctors.
  4. If you don’t feed the penile? You live. If you don’t feed you? You die. So foods that are best for the penile are foods that are good for you!

Any other penile questions? We answer them all! Thanks for writing.

Keeping Secrets 101

EUGENE, SIR: I’m a sex worker in San Francisco, a city that is much smaller than you might think, and I occasionally run into clients in public. Most are cool and just nod, which may have to do with their partners being present. Now, though, my day job is with a client. And not so cool of one — he acts like we know each other, in a romantic way. How do I stop this without outing myself? — Unhappy Hooker

Dear UH UH: This guy might be perfectly comfortable with people knowing he participates in the commercial sex trade, but you, however, who is actually in the commercial sex trade, are not.

How should he know this?

Well, you didn’t slap his back when you saw each other and shout, “Hey, everybody, Jimmy is the best client ever and tips copiously after I’ve drilled his rear!”

The fact that you did not say this would seem to anyone less oblivious to be a signal that what happened in Vegas, or some motel in San Fran, stayed there. But not Jimmy!

Jimmy is going to force you to check Jimmy. The way to do that without outing yourself to the rest of your co-workers as a sex worker is to pull Jimmy aside and let him know that no one can live in a city like San Francisco without a job, or multiple jobs, and it would be a tragedy if HR forced someone, or someones, out of at least one of their jobs.

Just let that hang in the air.

While Jimmy has paid you to poke him, no one is paying to poke Jimmy. When it comes down to it, the exposure and possible job loss would be much more of an issue for him than for you. And your knowing this shifts the power dynamic in a very real way in your favor.

This just might work. If not, write again and we’ll try again.

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