What To Do With a Surprising Profusion of Penises - OZY | A Modern Media Company

What To Do With a Surprising Profusion of Penises

What To Do With a Surprising Profusion of Penises

By Eugene S. Robinson


Because sex sells. Unless you’re a lousy salesperson.

By Eugene S. Robinson

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com 

Three Is Company, Four Is an Angry Crowd

EUGENE, SIR: We went out the other night, me and my fiancée. We were going over wedding details at dinner when some guy came up, said hello, chatted for a bit and then left. My fiancée went back to wedding details. So I had to ask, “Who was that?” She told me to “stop being so paranoid.” I wasn’t before she said that. We’re both 30, and I had been thinking that we had a good handle on each other’s pasts. So I asked again, we argued because asking again made me feel like an ass, and then I flipped out when she told me that she’d had a threesome with the guy and a friend of his and how she hadn’t wanted to tell me because she knew I’d flip out. So now I’m flipping out and I can’t talk to anyone else about this because I don’t want my friends or family to know, so it’s you. The wedding is in August. Can I back out now? Should I? — C.D.

Dear Civil Defense: You’re upset. Some of us find surprises upsetting. Even more so when said surprises involve seemingly outré sex practices, multiple penises and — you haven’t mentioned it, but I’ll just finish painting the picture for you — loads and loads of loads. Some might be upset, and the accretion of agita around this collection of facts might make it hard to get through wedding vows without images of all kinds of wild abandon, drawn primarily from porn, intruding.

Then again, some might realize that this is a product of a certain hysteria, take a deep breath and chill the hell out. She didn’t plan any of that. Probably didn’t pick the restaurant with the idea that he might be there. Probably didn’t wave him over even if she did see him first. And, flustered after the fact, probably didn’t expect she’d have to be remembering something that she, at least in this burst of a moment, had kind of forgotten.

She did blow it with the whole refusal to be initially candid, but that is more than understandable. 

What’s not so understandable: whether or not you can get over this. But to answer your questions, yes, you can back out now, if that suits your worldview. Should you? That’s up to you. However, you knew she wasn’t a virgin when you began dating, so what possible difference could the gathered collection of cocks make? Whether one or half a dozen, this is less about what she did and much more about whether what she did so impinges on your sense of self that you have to tap out now and walk away.

For your sake, I hope you don’t. For her sake, I hope that if you want to, you do. 

Good luck. Let us know what you decide.

Straight Eye for the Gay Guy

EUGENE, SIR: In regards to your response to Raging Red in a recent column, I thought I would add that my gay friend complains about guys disappearing all the time and he’s not nearly as texty-talky-excited as your straight female writer! He’s not necessarily looking for a one-time hookup either. My theory is that most guys online want to get off ASAP and will use photos or whoever is nearby/gets there first! — One Who Knows 

Dear Dion: It’s too easy. Way too easy. Specifically this trope of the “endlessly horny” man. It says way too much and not nearly enough. Too much about the lengths people will go to flatter themselves and not nearly enough about how evolving beyond junior high school changes how the world is sometimes viewed. Which is to say, while those seeking to curry your favor might have been willing to listen to just about anything you had to say when you were teenagers, the adult individual may be doing a little gatekeeping, and stories about stuff that really interests you might really not be all that interesting in the end.

That makes getting to the good stuff (presumably before the moment is ruined by blather) even more pressing. The problem, in general, is that boring people don’t even like other boring people, so they try to affix themselves to people who are not boring, but whom they bore. The degree to which the person puts up with this is the degree to which they want to bed the person in question. But confuse nothing: It’s not that these guys online are too fast. It could very well be that Raging Red and your friend are way too slow.

Water, Water Everywhere

EUGENE, SIR: What is the origin of female ejaculate? My girlfriend sometimes drowns me in it. Can she run out, or is there a never-ending supply? She can do this time and time again. Sometimes I think back to my early childhood when my mother put a rubber sheet under the linen sheet to protect the mattress. Should I stop complaining and start counting my blessings? — Jack

Dear Mr. Sprat: Interestingly enough, I’ve answered this question before. And even more interestingly, since I answered that question the first time, I’ve got new answers for your slightly different take. So, in short order, it seems to be never-ending, but you well know that most things in this life are finite. However, there are not many types of fluids that leave the body in this kind of volume without a subsequent trip to the hospital. So, yes: lots. 

Should you stop complaining? Were you actually complaining? You used the word, not me, leading me to think changing the bed is starting to wear on you. Solution? Sex in hotels. Sex in tubs. Sex with towels and rubber sheets. And snorkels. It can be done, my friend.

Sign up for the weekly newsletter!