Virgin Springs, Sanctioned Affairs + Breast Agonies - OZY | A Modern Media Company

Virgin Springs, Sanctioned Affairs + Breast Agonies

Virgin Springs, Sanctioned Affairs + Breast Agonies

By Eugene S. Robinson


Because if not you, then who?

By Eugene S. Robinson

You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now:

First-Timer’s Fatigue

EUGENE, SIR: I am 22 and have never had sex. I find it difficult to put myself in a position where I can commit to having sex with my guy even though I love him and I am OK with everything else. Despite being very patient, he gets frustrated, and I feel very depressed about my lack of sexuality. Should I be worried? — Lily Evans

Dear Lily of the Field: You should worry about poisoned mushrooms. Also, spare no small amount of worry on rabid dogs, elevators, airplanes, frayed toaster wires and drunk drivers. But not screwing your boyfriend largely affects only your boyfriend. And, honestly, very little of the rest of the world cares about him. I mean, YOU do, which is why you wrote, I guess. But on a long enough timeline, you will, if you’re like large portions of the general population, eventually have sex. Just maybe not with him. Something that will bug him for all the rest of eternity. 

But the reality of it is, good sex relies heavily on the intuitive, and if you’re not motivated to make it with him, I’d suggest you listen to the many and varied signs and signals that are saying “We’d rather play Parcheesi.” Why? Because the problem with your first is that you’ll remember him or her for a long time. It’s like the headlining slot at a rock show. Everyone remembers Justin Bieber. No one remembers the guy who opened for Bieber. 

And long after you’ve forgotten Nos. 2, 7 and wherever you top out at, you’ll remember No. 1. So it’s important, and nothing is worse than his frustration and long-suffering patience and both of you being depressed about what’s fundamentally supposed to be something FUN. You on some special sex clock that, despite the fact you’re “OK with everything else,” is ticking loudly to the tune of the absence of penetrative sex? I don’t think so. He can wait. And you know how he should wait? To quote Nicki Minaj, “When I walk in, sit up straight / I don’t give a fuck if I was late.” Truth.

So to answer your question regarding whether or not you should be worried: Hells no. Spoken like the father of three daughters.


EUGENE, SIR: After 15 years together, my wife and I want some adventure. But as we both close in on 40, we have to admit that trying to find “adventure” together is uncomfortable. So with certain times and places and people designated, we’re planning on having separate adventures. We have thought about this a lot, but what are we missing? — Kenny

Dear Kenny + the Jets: Missing? Everything. I know the temptation is to medicalize our doings like we’re rational actors and that by applying equal measures we can count on experiments always going according to plan. But if there’s one thing most assuredly guaranteed when dealing with other humans, it’s that the unexpected always happens. In other words, even having thought about it the way you two seem to have, you still can’t plan for the unplanned. So she goes off and has her adventure. If it’s great, you’re in trouble as she might want to repeat it beyond the purview of your original deal. If it’s terrible and yours is good, she might get upset and try to write a “do-over” into the deal. So it has to be “just right,” and how many things in life are just right?

Note: I’m not discouraging this. I’m just preaching for you two to drop the idea that you have everything under control. Because you don’t. And that’s part of what you find exciting, I guess. Like running into a lion’s cage and trying to run out again. Lots of fun if you make it out alive; a cautionary tale to others if you don’t. So be careful, and run fast. But not TOO fast.

Boob Newb

EUGENE, SIR: My husband hounded me for years to get my breasts augmented and I finally gave in. I have gone up three cup sizes, and while he has generally been happy with the results — and, in all fairness, so have I — he’s been very unhappy with the increased male attention I have been getting. Along with his unhappiness comes constant criticisms about what I wear and whatnot. I like my breasts and the attention, but I like being married too. Should I just get the implants removed? — Name withheld by request

Dear Between a Rock + a D-Cup: Man. This is a drag. Almost Gift of the Magi–level drag. Or, like the saying goes, be careful what you ask for. I really can’t see how your husband hadn’t thought this through. Unless you live in a Pennsylvania Amish community, the reality of it is the show value of your breast implants is probably 80 percent of why he hounded you to get them. How could he have missed the fact that all the rest of us would notice too? And, yeah, I get that you got them to make him happy. But I also get that you wouldn’t have gotten them if you didn’t also expect they were going to make YOU happy. For the same reasons. Sort of. 

If I were the judge in this case? Since surgery is serious no matter what it’s for and he did ask for this, I’d say wait it out, because in the end, people get used to everything and anything. Will your marriage make it? Only time will tell.


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