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Because if you don’t, 20 other willing participants will.

By Eugene S. Robinson

Hers, His, Theirs?

EUGENE, SIR: I had deep suspicions that my boyfriend (we live together) was cheating. Mostly on account of finding underwear around that wasn’t mine. I’m not proud of this but I set up a camera so I could see what was happening at our place when I’m not there. He teaches and gets home from work first. I discovered that this is his underwear. I mean it’s women’s underwear but that’s what he is wearing. Other things too. Whole outfits. He’s alone when doing this. Not so fun to watch but not something to end the relationship over. I want to know how to get this out in the open so we don’t have to have secrets.  – Colleen

Dear Mata Hari:

I think you mean you want to know how to get this out in the open without revealing the creepy presence of home surveillance, yes? Since if you reveal you’ve been secretly home taping, it opens up a whole can of worms that causes what you found out to be overshadowed by HOW you found out. And how you found out — by hiding teeny tiny cameras all over the house you shared with one other person — no matter what the motivation, is all harm and foul. 

That being said: So what?

Relationships can be a dirty business and sloppiness regarding the women’s underwear he might be wearing could also be a harbinger of other sloppiness to come. So call what you did dirty due diligence — had he not started it by leaving his flimsy underthings hither and yon, you’d have never gone down the Inspector Gadget road to begin with. 


But how to get this out in the open? Well, there are two paths you can go by: Admit to the hidden camera as how you found out or don’t admit to the camera but do admit to the finding of the panties.

The former could also be divided into telling the truth about the camera or telling a lie connected to needing it for “security” reasons or something else similarly threadbare. I’ll never advise you to lie so if you tell the truth you’ll have a lot of heavy lifting to do since it might be argued that he left the underwear around to spark a discussion, not to incur the creep factor of home surveillance, and you may lose this one.

However, if you go with the technically accurate though parsed truth — you found his underwear — this lets you broach the topic without admitting to malfeasance and the discussions can begin. And I’d guess you know that most studies show that this particular kink is not an automatic indicator of homosexuality, if you were even tempted to think that. Moreover there are great resources out there, like Transformation, where he can go as deep as you and he are interested in going.

In any case, asking about the underwear would be a necessary first step and the least loaded and possibly most successful way to go. 

Happy Whoring

EUGENE, SIR: My wife has just let me know that she has a whore obsession. We have three kids and have been married since she was 23 and I was 25. She is 45 now and says it had been building for a while but everything about it turns her on. She wanted to tell me because the fantasy was getting overpowering. Not so that I could stop her but because she needed to explain why she had been so bored in bed the last few years. To this end she wants me to be her “pimp.” Find men for her to have sex with. Charge them. She has suggested doing this through Craigslist or Eros Guide. If I say no, I’m afraid she’ll do it anyway. If I say yes I am concerned about the repercussions. Legal and otherwise. What should I do?  – Name withheld

Dear Rock/Hard Place:

Standing between someone and a long-held fantasy is a tough place to be. While on the one hand it’s terrible to think of a fantasy going unrealized, on the other hand your concerns are well placed. Prostitution last year was a $186 billion industry on the backs of about 13,265,900 prostitutes. Women associated with the trade are arrested much more frequently than men, assorted studies show. Which means whether you’re getting busted for pimping or she’s getting busted for whoring, the justice system is, in all likelihood, going to be part of your future. 

But these are legal concerns and don’t get to the root of the emotional/relational aspect of what your wife has told you, something that, to my ears, doesn’t sound like it upsets you much and it probably shouldn’t. I mean the last few years of lackluster sex would be enough to open your mind to much that your mind wouldn’t have been open to before. How to handle it is what you’re asking and my suggestion is this: Go to your local swingers’ group and advertise your kink. Under the purview of play and the money not being the primary motive you might be able to avoid legal backlashes. I mean if you’re not collecting cash you’re not a pimp even if the whoring seems the same. 

Try this along with whatever seems more comfortable: You being present or you not being present. This will either improve your marriage or kill it but if it doesn’t improve it, it was going to die anyway. It’s a bold giant step into doing something different and adventurous — and it’s dangerous from any number of different viewpoints. But it seems like you’ve reached a crisis point anyway and something needs to be done, so why not this? Conceal it from the kids like you do the rest of your sex life, be super circumspect about it and hope for the best.

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