The Ultimately Irresponsible Threesome - OZY | A Modern Media Company

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Because what's good for the gander is not always that great for the gander.

Sexy answers to sexy questions. Eugene@ozy.comYou have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

Delayed … Reactions + Legal Repercussions

EUGENE, SIR: It was always supposed to be rough. We had talked about it beforehand, and it was supposed to include some high-grade humiliation. We talked about it. We had a safe word. After it was over (months ago now), things were fine. We met a few more times. Same thing. But I guess being locked down now maybe people think longer and harder about things, and I got an email from her that feels … threatening. Like she is unhappy about what we did and wonders if it was consensual. We both have video of events, so I’m not really that nervous but video can be used by either side. Courses of action that would make sense? —Name withheld by request

Dear Mr. Pickle: A less-enlightened sex columnist would probably bust off with some Calvinist bit of doggerel here, like if you do crazy things with crazy people why are you surprised when the results are crazy? But you know what? I’m no Calvinist columnist, and I’m less focused on the aforementioned activities, edited out of your query for space and taste, than I am for the crucial breakdown in communication between your pre-COVID sex adventuring and now.

What happened between the conclusion of repeatedly performed events and now? I don’t know and you not knowing caused you to write me, but let’s suppose it was a moment of clarity. People actually have them. Like I once bought a Red Hot Chili Peppers record. Then, in the middle of a moment of clarity, I realized that while Bob Marley was, indeed, a poet and prophet, I didn’t need men with socks on their penises telling me that.

Similarly the spitting, slapping, choking et al., described in the pre-edited version of your query, at the time might have felt/seemed like a good idea to your partner in “crime,” but with bird’s-eye view she found it … wanting? How to get from that to a legal remedy? I don’t know.

But I have to assume that it was to get your attention and indicate in no uncertain terms that when the lockdown breaks, you two will not be returning to aforementioned activities. The mention of legal remedies was to bolster a decision that perhaps she was concerned would weaken over time.

Say you understand, and if you’re sorry that she feels this way, say that too, and then bid her adieu and hope your future actions and activities do not give a similar rise to regret and subsequent legal threats.

Threesomes Will Help No One

EUGENE, SIR: Your advice to that guy from last week to save his marriage by agreeing to be bullied into a threesome sucks, and I’ll tell you why. It’s like telling someone who has the flu that as long as they have the flu maybe it might also help to have diarrhea. If you believe that’s a solution that works, I am amazed you’re still alive. —Todd A.

Dear Hot Toddy: I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the nuance of last week’s answer would have gotten lost in all of the visual imagery of naked adults having sex, even if one was sitting there terrified at the prospect of losing it all. I guess I also shouldn’t be surprised that to some actually trying to please their partner flies in the face of the John Wayne-esque “my way or the highway” modus operandi. What I AM surprised about, though, is your use of the word “bullied.”

There are some people who feel bullied by the government’s insistence that they avoid large, unmasked public gatherings. There are others who take umbrage at the government impinging on their right to be shot by another American exercising their Second Amendment right. And still others who decry everything from motorcycle helmets to seatbelts.

They regret the notion that helpful measures help them very much. Which is their right.

My helpful suggestion that last week’s writer actually begin communicating with his wife, that is listening to what she is saying, and subsequently embrace the narrative, instead of trying to enforce one, was good advice then, it’s good advice now, and it may very well be good advice forever. Or just about. But thanks for reading. Tell your friends about us!

Toys

EUGENE, SIR: During this shutdown, are there toys you could recommend that work best? I mean is there such a thing as a vibrator that doesn’t vibrate and make a lot of noise in doing so? There’s a lot of looking the other way when you’re stuck with other people in a place, but I still don’t want everyone knowing when I’m masturbating. —Silence Is Still Golden

Dear Systems Support Group: I’m no expert in vibrators, but the issue is not really about having a totally noiseless vibrator since unless you’re buried nose deep in a pillow you are making some sort of noise even if it’s just the sound of your rapid breathing. So it seems the issue is finding one that is less noisy than whatever else you’ve seen or used, especially now that you’re trapped inside with other bored humans who would be glad for the break in the daily routine. Do these things exist? Yes. Will I recommend one to you? Nah. I mean we don’t make product recommendations, but there are multiple lines of what they call silent vibrators out there. Find them. Enjoy them. In both peace and quiet.

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