The Serious Business of Playing Rough in Bed
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
Because your private parts would want you to.
By Colin Kennedy
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
EUGENE, SIR: We’ve both just gotten really off on the idea of punching. I want to punch him while we’re having sex and I for sure want him to punch me. But neither of us know the first thing about fighting, much less punching. How do we do this without showing up to work the next day a bloody mess? —Rockys
Dear Punch + Judy: Sex is serious business. So is punching. Mix the two poorly at your own peril. But that’s why we’re here. To push off peril and maybe a help a bit. Like by telling you that to make a useful fist you must first wrap your thumb around the outside of your closed and clenched hand. Now also called a fist. Steer clear of the lips (they swell and split). Steer clear of the eyes. The cheeks? Fair game. The forehead is likely to break your hand but this will also stop you from hitting too hard. If you’re punching along the jaw line try to hit it straight on and not on the side and if you get near the ears remember better than on jaw end.
HOWEVER, punching can be dangerous. So remember this too. Now good luck.
EUGENE, SIR: At my bachelorette party, we got into an argument about whether or not deep-throating was bad for you. I think too much anal sex can be a problem, but what about the throat? — Swallowing Hard
Dear Now You See It: Of course, one of the joyous benefits of this job is getting paid to type things into Google like “deep-throating accidents.” Doing so? Totally inconclusive and at least a wasted hour wading through the exact opposite end of medical research. Attempts to get doctors to dish? Also inconclusive. Final Hail Marys to our sex-worker friends? Pay dirt!
“Outside of sore throats, watering eyes and a temporary inability to breathe? Nothing,” said Stephanie S., a San Francisco escort. “And I assume you mean stuff that needs medical visits? No, nothing like that. Not unless you count gonorrhea of the throat, which one of my girlfriends got, but she didn’t get it from deep-throating. Just good ol’ plain oral sex.”
So there you go. The throat: a great organ for sex! Sounds like a best-seller.
- Colin Kennedy