The Most Successful Sex Strategies Ever
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
Because your private parts would want you to.
By Eugene Robinson
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
Better vs. Good
EUGENE, SIR: My last few relationships have ended over my women’s infidelities and after lots of soul searching I know and am no longer avoiding the fact that this is because I think I do not screw well. It’s not all my fault I think. Some women like it fast. Some like it slow. Impossible to tell which one is which and by the time you do they’re blaming you and moving on. Any reliable things that can be done to improve the angle of my swing? —G
Dear Smelling the Coffee: You are to be commended, sir, for coming to that cold, cold reality wake up and instead of shying away or steering clear of some heavy duty truths, took a deep breath and decided it was better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. I’m even more honored to be that candle. Honored but not glad because this is like dancing, while there are good strategies, if you have zero sense of rhythm? Dancing might be something you never get really good at. But you might get better.
Don’t believe ME?!? Well, then you might believe our resident sex worker Susie B. who, with an intermittent two decades on the business end of the business, might have a pretty good sense of what you and your penis are doing wrong.
”Most men’s sex problems have to do with a total misread of the situation at hand. Then because of that misread they make mistakes. Their partner registers the mistakes but says nothing. But you don’t have to speak to communicate and now the guy knows something is wrong but doesn’t know what and now he’s self conscious and now things are going to hell fast.” If you pull yourself up from out of this hole it’s probably more luck than skill. Since skill is something you’ll be able to do again. Luck? Well, good luck.
”But how to not misread? Pay attention,” Susie says. ”No detail too small. Sex is all about feedback. I’ll give you an example. I have had anal sex before. Completely unmeaningful. The first time I had it where my lover just did it like he wanted to do it? It was great. But that is me. I guess I gave him signals that I found this hot and he paid attention. Was it this way with his next lover? No idea. But if he was good at reading his partners I would guess so.”
Which is a nice way to say: hammerheads need not apply. No go forth and get down!
Good vs. Best Ever
EUGENE, SIR: I was listening to my boyfriend the other night and we were casually talking about past lovers and he mentioned one along with “she gave just about the best blowjobs ever.” My feelings weren’t hurt. I was trying to figure out what would make something like this the best. I mean if he has an orgasm at the end, isn’t that good? If his dick stays hard throughout isn’t that good? When I asked him he couldn’t really give an answer other than something like ”well she was just really into it.” What qualifies “the best ever” in this context? —Head Mistress
Dear Ms. Mistress: Sex is full of all kinds of secrets and sucking, the good kind, is probably one of those secrets if you’re someone who has “mastered” it. But why listen to ME? Instead we decided to enlist the aid of porn star and former sex addict Brandon Iron. A star of almost 900 porno films, the soft-spoken and uber-polite Canadian knows a few things about a few things when it comes to penises in mouths. Specifically his. Penis, that is.
”For me, it’s all about enthusiasm. If a wet-behind-the-ears pup can teach this old dog a new trick, I’m fascinated,” says Iron. ”Transfixed is a better word. I love to see how a stranger communicates in the universal language. Some women take pride in their skills as great as the pride a man feels when his junk works. Two atoms in the universe collide and positive energy gets released.”
So there you have it. It’s tough, this sex thing. Since it all ties into the deeper recesses of whatever kinks we all hold secret but with a little attention to details small and large and a willingness to TRY? Oh, yeah. This is something you’ll be able to do. Like a pro.
- Eugene Robinson