The Long and Short of Penis Politics - OZY | A Modern Media Company

WHY YOU SHOULD CARE

Because football is not the only game of inches.

By Eugene S. Robinson

Not Blind, but Smaller?

EUGENE, SIR: I know the old wives’ tale about masturbation making people go blind is garbage, but is there a chance that “excessive” masturbation will actually make the penis smaller? I mean, if you try to push a wire through a space smaller than the wire, the effect is that the wire to get through the space gets smaller. If that is a fist and the wire is the penis, wouldn’t the same thing apply? — Name withheld by request

Dear Spanky: Extrusion. This is what we used to call it in shop class. And it worked when you were working with wire, but there’s a functioning difference between a wire and a penis. Firstly, the material dimensions of a wire are fixed. It is, to quote Trump, what it is. A penis? The penis is the archetypical mystery meat. Between showing and growing, erections and not, it’s rarely the same size. Cold makes it do one thing, heat another. Add in stress, fear of gun-toting spouses and excess amounts of alcohol and we really don’t know much about the objective size of a penis.

That being said, no reliably professional medical journal of any kind supports the idea that masturbation will either make your penis smaller as a result of doing it a lot or a decrease in testosterone, or bigger as a result of the same but an increase in testosterone. Which supports the idea that once the dick die is cast, it is cast.

But in the dark end of the alley where they sell penile enlargers, pills and suggest the highly inadvisable penile enlargement surgery, and anecdotes are shared and traded, there is some support for this idea that masturbating a lot will decrease your girth. HOWEVER, this is not even a game of inches. We’re talking about a fractional decrease. Unnoticeable to the naked eye or any other body part.

So in absolute terms, the wizards of wang believe, yes, it reduces the girth. Everyone else sane and professional though says no.

Hope that helps … whoever you’re asking for.

Going Deep

EUGENE, SIR: You have been very vocal about penis-question fatigue, but given that I don’t own an actual penis of my own, I hope you don’t mind me asking. If my lover goes too deep, it hurts me given his length. If his stroke is too shallow, while this is great for me, it causes him to orgasm too quickly. The mid option, which would seem to make sense, ends up leaving us both meh, but trying to measure out the exact depth of the stroke seems stupid. So, uh, yeah. Tell us! — CVD

Dear Countervailing Duty: It’s not that I get tired of answering questions about penile length. It’s more that I don’t believe the queries to be honestly delivered. How so? Most men have been watching their penises. Watching them carefully. For, well, years. So in terms of penises in the court of public opinion, the jury has already delivered a verdict, and talking to me about it is like talking to Doug Llewelyn after you’ve had your pants blown out on People’s Court: pointless.

Which leads me to believe that those who choose to speak to me about it are treating it like a party favor. And me like a captive audience. Which I sort of am having established a rule: I will answer EVERY query, as long as it’s legal, no matter WHAT.

So here we are: Your issue is positional. And I won’t just leave you with that. I’ll leave you with an action item: Try with him behind you and instead of you doing the downward dog with both legs on the same starting line, stagger your knees so that one is forward and the other is a little bit behind it. Exactly as it would be if someone caught you mid-crawl. This will prevent him from going too deep but will probably let him get beyond the high-friction zone that you seem to think is making him orgasm too quickly. (Notice I said “seem.”) Let us know if this works for you.

Porn, Penises, Penis in Porn

EUGENE, SIR: During this quarantine I’ve been watching lots of porn. Don’t shame me! My question is simple though: If I wanted to try to get some work in “the industry,” is the length of my penis the most significant qualification? I mean, is there a cutoff size-wise under which I should not even bother to apply? Use my name if you don’t use my measurements. If you use my measurements, please withhold my name. — Mr. 6 Inches

Dear Motel 6: I have a fair number of friends and known associates who have made their living in adult films. Mr. Marcus, who has written for us here at OZY, Vince Vouyer, Brandon Iron, Erik Everhard and a handful of others. This is not a humblebrag; this is just what one might call “the lay of the land.”

Now I don’t know if this means anything in terms of industry standards, but not a single one of them is only 6 inches long (and I’m assuming you mean erect here).

“Pornography is visual,” said porn star Olivia. “Which is why your average porn star is not … average.”

Not that YOU are average, sir (in fact, Science magazine says the average penis size is 5.16 inches long), but I suspect what she means is that it has less to do with what she might prefer in her personal life and what works best on the screens of the dream factories that make these movies.

But we’re not in the dream-killing business here, and it seems the more reliable measure of whether you work or not for male stars is whether or not you can work. So if you can? Go ahead and let the world know: You’re ready for your close-up!

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