The Hot Side of Humiliation
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
Because good sex is a dish better served hot.
By Eugene S. Robinson
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
Who Is Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
EUGENE, SIR: My man and I have gotten deep into humiliation. Verbal abuse when we’re in outside spaces. More physical stuff behind closed doors. Not a problem but recently during a kinkfest where I was hitting him in the face while sitting on his face I started spitting on him. Anyway we were out at dinner another time and had gotten into an argument, like I said, this is part of our outside kink, and I forgot where I was and spit in his face. It was super hot and I made him sit there with it on his face until someone passed him a napkin and then I noticed everyone was horrified including me since I had forgotten myself and where I was. Now our friends are worried and it doesn’t seem to be helping to tell them that this is part of our “thing”. Anyway to back them off and let them know this falls in the range of normal behaviors?—Spitting Image
Dear Ms. Woolf: You might be able to fool some people all of the time but you’ll never fool me even once, haha….This smells to me like an extended part of your “thing” and you’ve managed to go global with something that on the face of it should have just lingered on your lover’s face and not made it into an international exercise in getting off on your kink. Which I believe this is. But I’m more than willing to play along since the sheer joy you’re deriving from the kerfuffle you’ve kicked up makes it well worth it.
So, where to start? At the end since there’s no way you’re going to convince “normal” folks that spitting in your lover’s face during dinner in a restaurant is any kind of OK. And you don’t really believe that yourself since you peg it as a product of you forgetting yourself but the best part of having control sometimes is losing it and so there you go. Forget about trying to convince them of anything as the best kind of convincing you two can do is to toddle off into a sunset of kink while everyone else is getting divorced, cheating on their partners and being miserable. Which is to say: time is your friend. Embrace it. Like a big ol’ gob of spit in the face.
EUGENE, SIR: I once gently cajoled my girlfriend with something along the lines of “oh, you bitch”. And I saw her eyes light up and so we found that we both dug doing the whole VA [verbal abuse] thing. Recently though I called her something during sex that crossed the line. Now other fans of BDSM can use safe words but what if words are what you’re into? I mean how do you structure stuff so that you’re not dealing with days of her being pissed off with me because I said something that crossed the line? —In A Matter of Speaking
Dear Oopsy Daisy: Got your hands caught in the cookie jar, eh? Yup, it’s all fun and games until your lover is hurling cold cream jars at your head and you’re sleeping on the couch. In any case the point has been made: this type of play is not for casuals. Which means sensitivity and a kind of deep thinking about your partner is not only desirable but super necessary. According to porn star Brandon Iron, a studied hand in such things, “I remember doing a scene with this woman and I said something that just tied into some very bad shit in her past and she started to collapse.” Seeing his budget and his shooting schedule shot to hell he tried turning porn lemons into lemonade. “I asked her if she thought it would make her feel better if she hit me. So she started to and I could feel all of this stuff flooding up. She slapped me so hard I thought she had knocked some teeth loose.” But he got a scene some still think is a classic and he learned a valuable lesson, “words are dangerous.”
Or they can be. So forthwith my thumbnail guide. Whore is probably OK. Cunt is probably not as. Bitch? Yes. Slut? Less of an easy sell than slattern. I could go on forever but the point remains, this is minefield. Which is one of the reasons why it may be fun. Be careful. And be ready to duck.