The Filthy Secrets Uncovered by the Quarantine - OZY | A Modern Media Company
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WHY YOU SHOULD CARE

Because we can't go on together with suspicious minds.

By Eugene S. Robinson

Sexy answers to sexy questions. Eugene@ozy.comYou have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com

I Spy With My Little Eye

EUGENE, SIR: Went out shopping and grabbed the wrong phone. Not a big deal but I could see that my wife was looking at smartphone spyware. If I ask about it now I think that seems suspicious. I’d like to say nothing but I want to know if there’s a way that the phone switch wasn’t accidental and she put something on my phone when I was out. You ever read about this? And how do I get it off if so? – Bugged

Dear Bug Out: It’s times like this that it’s most useful to turn to philosophers so that when AC/DC sings “I never shot nobody, don’t even carry a gun,” I can nod my head and know that what that means is if you got nothing to hide why bother hiding? I know you’ll be tempted to give me some hoo-hah about “privacy” and “trust” or some reverse hoo-hah like “it’s the suspicious who are most guilty” but I’m not buying it.

Or put another way if this is her response to a generalized COVID-fueled panic and anxiety, let her have at it. If you’re innocent, you might be flattered. If you’re guilty, you immediately get yourself a second phone and realize that you’re high-staking it with a player well met.

So, uh … watch yourself. At least as carefully as she is.

The Ins and Outs of Anal

EUGENE, SIR: I’ve done it before (anal sex) and know it to be enjoyable when you have a partner who knows what they’re doing. My current has never done it before and wants to but there’s no way I’m going to let him experiment on my body (bad previous “experiment”). Which he thinks is unfair. So to be fair I suggested he let me peg him first. Now he thinks I am being unreasonable. But am I? – Name withheld by request

Dear Goosey Gander: I guess from his thinking you’ve done it before, you have found it pleasurable and you’re assuming a lack of ability on his part because of a situation that had nothing to do with him. Like “just because your last blind bus driver drove off a cliff doesn’t mean I will drive your bus off a cliff though, yes, I am blind as well!”

I think once is enough to know that no matter how hard you try coaching a blind bus driver through the driving of your bus it might still prove to be a fruitless endeavor.

However I guess from your thinking, assuming some long-term togetherness is afoot, you imagine yourself either never wanting to have anal sex again or having it with someone not him, yes? Something I’d like to see you get waivers for.

No. You two are caught in an anal trap.

Your solution? I suspect it was cautionary/prepunitive, and possibly suggested to get his head in the proper carefully-concerned frame of mind. But realistically, if he accedes, it will teach very little else beyond doing it with a certain level of care and concern. So good to suggest it. And unreasonable? Not to suggest it, no.

But to suggest it as an actual solution? Of course. Because it’s not.

In any case, my suggestion is you tell him, eventually, when you feel like it, you’ll walk him through it. Until then? Focus on the positives. And the future potential positives.

Escorting to Where?

EUGENE, SIR: Is there a reason my husband’s browser history includes multiple visits to a website that reviews escorts? We are locked down but who would spend this kind of time on something if it wasn’t something they were using? I’ve told him I noticed this and I asked him as well. He said that it was no different than if he was looking at porno sites and that he just likes looking at local prostitutes since that “one time” he spied a buddy’s ex on there and that was how he “found” it in the first place. For the record, we’re both fine with porn but this seems a little more directed. – A John’s Wife?

Dear Ms. John: If there’s no difference, why not a porno site? And why the explanation? He may, in actual fact, not be guilty but he sure as shit is acting like it.

However, by way of a little background, most of those sites got shut down a few years ago when it was ascertained that a good number of them were portals where fantasies did, indeed, become realities. And because everything always gets ruined by everyone always, what had been a marketplace where consenting adults who wanted to have sex with other consenting adults for a fee gave way to predatory adults pimping minors for a fee. So it had to go.

Leaving legitimate sex workers out in the cold. But, if there’s a new site up, it’s either up having done due diligence and made sure they have no exposure vis-a-vis traffickers. OR … they’re going rogue and don’t care and it’s just a matter of time before they too are shut down.

Now if you are of the opinion that if you hang around the barbershop long enough you’re likely to get a haircut, and you wanted to play dirty pool, you could, in all likelihood, have it shut down with the right call or email sent to the right person.

This, of course, does not solve the “problem.” But you do know that plenty of people look at new car ads though their interest in actually purchasing a new car is low to nonexistent, yes? This may be the case here. May. Be.

Or? Maybe not. Time will tell but while you’re locked down, at the very least you know exactly where he is.

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