The Do’s + Don’ts of COVID-19 Coitus
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”
How Deep Is My Love?
EUGENE, SIR: COVID together time is … ugh. In the early stage, during sexy-talk time with a guy I’ll call Pete, I shared how much I like oral sex. Getting it, sure, but mostly giving it. Getting it can be a mixed bag, but giving it is usually a delight for me. You get good at things you like, and so … But apparently I also said, and I don’t remember saying this, that I “loved” relaxing my throat and having my lover go deep. Well, a few days ago, while we were having sex, Pete tried to go deep and now he’s brooding and asking me whether I miss it and so on. He’s making me answer lots of questions — too many of them. To get things back to “normal,” have you heard of any positions to make throat penetration achievable? — Please, No Names
Dear Oh My: A friend of mine — nominative determinism alert — named Dong was asked by his lover, mid-coitus, to “go deeper.” He stopped, as though shot, disengaged himself and stood up. Clutching his pants as he stalked out of the room, he threw back over his shoulder a destined-to-be-classic response: “That is as deep as it gets!”
See, Dong too had come up against physical limitations around which there is no working. But no man alive should be confused about this anymore. In the same way that there are men who are taller than you, shorter than you, fatter or thinner than you, it is well known that some men are better endowed than others.
And unless you were a virgin when you and your boyfriend met, odds are good that you had had sex with one of those well-endowed men.
Your boyfriend’s sudden realization that this was the case, courtesy of your failure to be able to deep-throat him, is excusable if he’s younger than 30. If he’s older than 30? Where the hell has he been hiding?
But to your question, is there a positional way to salvage your man’s fragile sense of self by somehow getting his penis deeper into your throat?
While you might think I’d punt on this one — and I almost did — I asked all of the sex workers I know, and they had an answer.
“If she’s on her back and bends her head forward so that her chin is sort of tucked into her chest and he’s straddling her? That’s the best chance he has of reaching her throat.” Then something about how it shortens the space and makes penetration more possible.
One added that sex is about playful exploration and you two should figure it out by playfully exploring, but I figure you knew that already, right? Right?
COVID-19 Coital Measures
EUGENE, SIR: I was practicing social distancing at the supermarket, and 6 feet behind me in line was a couple. The woman offered a sip of her soda to her partner. He declined, citing COVID-19 concerns. She replied something like, “You went down on me last night and you’re worried about coronavirus?” Which, after I stopped laughing, got me to thinking. Would you be more likely to catch the coronavirus from a shared can of soda or from cunnilingus? — Asking for a Stranger
Dear Stranger Than Fiction: In almost every health report related to COVID-19 that I’ve read — and hypochondriac that I am, I’ve read almost all of them — I have yet to see one that advises people to stay away from genitalia. They have all identified the vector as “other people.” All other people. So, if transmission is what we’re concerned about, a wink would be as good as a nod to a blind horse, or some such thing. More precisely, there’s no difference between a night of cunnilingus and a sip of soda if one of the pair is infected and the other one isn’t.
If your goal is to avoid getting it from someone who has it, the advice is pretty uniform: Avoid contact with those who have it. No shared drinks or shared oral-to-genital contact.
And to the couple in question specifically? Yeah, his panic would not be the key to a contagion-free future.
Whose Porno? MY Porno!
EUGENE, SIR: How much do you think someone’s taste in pornography means anything in “the real world”? This is an argument my boyfriend and I have been having since being sequestered together. In general, I’m annoyed that he spends more time masturbating than having sex with me — probably a ratio of 3-to-1 — and that when he masturbates, he masturbates to images of men who look nothing like me. Is he doing it to piss me off? For some other reason? Insight! I need insight! — 12XU
Dear Saw You in a Mag: Nice Wire reference (for those not in the know, his nom de plume, 12XU, is also the title of a song by Wire). You ask several questions, so let’s wade in.
The connection between porn preferences and real-life ones?
Everything. Or nothing. For example, I’m a James Bond fan. Does it also follow that I’m the “type” of person who likes martinis? I mean, I do, but that’s not my point. If you had found 300 twink URLs on your boyfriend’s computer, yes, it might mean something.
Otherwise it seems like your boyfriend’s choices and the frequency with which he exercises those choices have everything to do with pissing you off. Why? I have no idea, but it sounds to me like he’s retaliating for something. What it is, you tell me.