The Best (and Worst) Types of Girlfriends
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
Because no one ever got sexy by accident.
By Eugene S. Robinson
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
Having a Ball
EUGENE, SIR: My girlfriend likes to play with my testicles when we’re messing around. Her favorite thing in the world is to have them in her mouth. Just writing what I just wrote makes me uncomfortable. It does not give me so much pleasure outside of the obvious pleasure it gives her, but I’m slightly ticklish and they’re delicate enough that this just panics me. I’ve mentioned this before and she has mentioned that they don’t seem to bother me when I am playing football, which is true. But this is very different. She says exes of hers haven’t had this problem. Making me want to ask if there is much variation in testicle sensitivity? —Russell
Dear Nuggets: If there is a change in how sensitive your testicles are, this could be the canary in the testicular coal mine and should be looked into, as it could be the sign of symptoms much more serious. And yes: I did just say “canary in the testicular coal mine.” However, it sounds like you’re not having pain or irregular sensitivity issues but more that you’re just uneasy about testicle play. Could be trust issues, I don’t know. A good shrink would tell you to breathe deeply and relax a bit. I’m no shrink so I’ll just say, if you trust her enough to let her mouth near the rest of your privates, you should start trying to relax through this too. Who knows? You might like it.
EUGENE, SIR: My ex keeps pictures of her exes. Not pictures of them windsurfing or at Thanksgiving dinner or something like that. Pictures of penis. She had asked me to fix her computer once and while using some global search term for something I was trying to install, I found a few penis pictures. I’d have said that these were just generic porn or something that she had accidentally downloaded were it not for his smiling face and a date and time stamp that suggested it was sent the week before. I’m a little pissed off, but I know she’s not cheating, so maybe I should just let this slide? Anyway, if I didn’t, how would you think it would most make sense to bring this up? —Elvis
Dear Mr. Magoo: While I know, I know, there’s that whole expression about fire and smoke existing in near proximity to each other, I think I should say here in her defense that the presence of penis pics does not actually indicate the lurking presence of penis. Or rather: Since the path of the righteous woman is beset on all sides with all manner of willing penis, there’s no reason why this penis should prove much more nettlesome than any other penis. Even if it is attached to a smiling ex with a fondness for mailing out pics that might explain why this man is smiling. And, yes, I know I just used the word “penis” five times — six if you count this most recent one.
And for the hat trick: penis.
Anyway, him sending them could be reflexive. It’s cyberflashing that could mean no more or less than “Hey, remember when we used to do this and it was cute and funny and not at all creepy and douchey?” OR it could mean when you were dutifully working away on her computer she was revisiting olden times in the only way she knows how: with a marked appreciation for penis. Specifically, his.
So should you let it slide? Providing she really did give you the computer to work on? No. But how would I bring this up? Well, this is very different from how YOU should bring this up. But using his pics as her laptop wallpaper might be a nice way to break the conversational ice. Not so passive-aggressive as it is aggressive-aggressive, this opening gambit then allows you to “act” reasonable when discussing how genitalia pic exchanges — while not a BIG deal, unless they are — might be construed as a sign that your relationship is shifting into open waters. If she agrees, you know your course. If she doesn’t? Well, then you’re stuck in the uncomfortable position of having to believe someone who your gut is telling you to not believe.
Proceed with caution, whichever way you go.