Spilling Sex Secrets for Cash
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
Because while there are lots of ways to get yourself killed, NOT getting yourself killed is still the goal.
By Eugene S. Robinson
Seating Chart 4 Sex Parties
EUGENE, SIR: You seem to know something about sex parties since you’re always talking about them. My husband and I have talked/joked about them for years, and we’ve decided that if this lockdown ever breaks down, we’re going to host one. We don’t have kids and we’ve got plenty of room for a party. In your experience, is there an ideal number of people or couples? More men? More women? Should we ban homosexual activity? And if so, just between men? Between women? Any help would be much appreciated. — Getting the Party Started
Dear GPS: Talking is always the first sex-party stage, and it’s also a good one for planning a sex party. Right now, the time between planning the event and the event itself allows you some intellectual distancing, which means you can lay out a structure that maximizes comfort and minimizes discomfort. Unless, that is, you want to maximize discomfort, in which case that would be a totally different kind of party.
But your garden-variety sex party? Talking is a good start.
So let’s talk about location. Unless your guests are close friends, I’d nix the home option. You want a place where everyone can come and go as the spirit moves them, including you and your husband. It’s easier being a host at a neutral locale than at a place you also have to safeguard.
Large hotel suites can be a coolly intimate option, and I must add here, or so I’ve heard. Sex clubs are also an option, but one that offers you the least amount of control when it comes to the guest list. A club will also be a less reassuring venue than a hotel right after the quarantine ends.
Outside of location, you only have to decide on … well, everything. In general, invite more women than men since men rarely fail to show up to sex parties. Couples who are already swingers are your safest bet. You and your husband should decide the manner in which you will swing: together, which means close enough to touch, or separately, which means you can decamp to side rooms or engagements without your primary partner.
If women at the party are into women and this doesn’t bother you, the party organizer, there’s no need to stop it. Man-on-man sex, also your call. And finally, to get 12 attendees, or six couples, invite about twice that number, allowing for a 50 percent attrition rate on account of nerves, COVID or the lack of a babysitter if guests have kids.
Other than that, treat it like any other party. Have decent finger foods, drinks and/or party favors and music that doesn’t suck. Here’s hoping your quarantine ends sooner rather than later. And good luck!
What’s Blackmail Really?
EUGENE, SIR: I’m a sex worker and one of my former clients was a big tech exec. He tipped shit and stiffed me $20 of the $300 he owed for his last appointment. Not much, I know, but cheapness by a guy who is a multimillionaire pisses me off. I think I could sell the photos and story for a lot more than $20. I’d like to give him the option to not be outed, but I don’t want to get accused of blackmailing him, which I am not. Advice please. — Name withheld by request
Dear Unhappy Hooker: I find the best way to not be accused of blackmailing is to not blackmail anyone. I’m no lawyer, and you should definitely seek real legal counsel before trundling down this very dangerous road you’re on, but I can say that this is what we in Brooklyn would call “a good way to get killed.”
Your willingness to personalize your professional engagement is your right and you are clearly neither a lawyer nor a priest and therefore have no confidentiality clause woven into said engagement, so yes, you could do what you’re suggesting, but why?
If the money is the issue, ask for it. Most multimillionaires are paying about as much attention to loose $20s as you do dimes. If you don’t like the client, reject his attempts to make an appointment. If you want to hurt him because you don’t like him and you want to exploit the connection because he has more cash than you, I guess you can do that, but it feels dirty. Even if he has a wife. Even if the world doesn’t know he has sex with men (for space reasons I had to condense your question, but for everyone else, that was part of said question).
I understand the hurt business better than most, but I have to call this what it is: a shakedown. A criminal shakedown. And yeah, you can go that way, but prepare to be responded to in kind.
When Angry Husbands Attack
EUGENE, SIR: I just got a text from an angry husband who believes I slept with his wife. After I turned her down, she must have decided to act like we had had sex. So now her husband is threatening me and doesn’t believe anything I say. My own wife is giving me the side-eye. I need a Mr. Wolf–style complete clean here. Help. — B. Yan
Dear Mr. Can Cook: There’s a great blues song that features the line that’s the solution to all your troubles and that line is, “Don’t start me to talkin’ / I’ll tell everything I know.” Some variation of the truth will set you free, so I suggest you go on a truth offensive. And since sunlight sanitizes, just let it all in. Stop ducking texts and calls. Ask everyone to meet if necessary and start like this: “It would be comforting if we could all punch our problems away, but I guarantee you that no matter how many times you may punch me, it won’t change the fact that you’re married to a lying manipulator who is out to destroy not only her own life but also the lives of everyone around her for no clear gain other than the brief alleviation of boredom.…”
They’ll be begging you to stop. Right before they start considering a restraining order. Trust me on this.