A Revenge Report: How to Hang With Your Ex’s Ex
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
Because revenge, while a dish best served cold, also works piping hot!
Ready, Set … Repeat?
EUGENE, SIR: I’m trying to be a good lover, so I follow the protocol of having her orgasm first. But she hates feeling like I’m waiting on her, so she waits for me to orgasm, while I’m waiting for her. So what happens is I don’t come and she doesn’t come. Or she comes and I don’t come because I’m too tired and then she gets upset because she thinks I don’t find her attractive. We’ve been a couple for just two months, so please don’t tell me to show her this column. That would be weird too. — Klaus
Dear Santy: Anyone grimly working toward any kind of goal is almost the textbook definition of unsexy. That which is casual, breezy, and easy often feels sexy because it speaks to those participating doing what they like and want. Which is to say that a certain amount of sex involves selfishly pursuing your own ends.
What, then, is the worst thing about you having an orgasm first? You “having” to bring her to orgasm orally until the refractory period has passed and you can have sex with her again a second time? Doesn’t sound so bad to me. And it shouldn’t to you either.
The Other Other Woman
EUGENE, SIR: I had an affair with someone who I knew was married. The industry that we both work in is small, and through twists and turns too long to go into, his wife, now his ex-wife, and I are working together and have become friends. She has started to share with me. She knew her ex was unfaithful, and I am figuring out he was unfaithful to me too. He and his ex are friendly, and he and I are friendly as well. She has no idea that he and I were involved. He, however, knows both of his exes are working together and has made jokes about threesomes. I have no interest and am angry enough to out myself to her just to rain on his little lovefest. But I think I may be so angry I’m not thinking clearly. Suggestions? — Fool Me Twice?
Dear Twice Is Nice: Now, see, it seems to me that you’re really just trying to figure out which form of revenge you will rain down on this fool’s head for the crime of loving not poorly, but unwisely. However, being denied a straight shot to Revenge Road, you’ve come to me for a clever workaround. And you know what? Because I’m the Sex Columnist With the Groovy Demeanor, I just may give it to you.
But first let’s consider the options in full-on Pascal’s wager-style with the anchor points here being you telling the ex-wife or you not telling the ex-wife. If you tell her that you were one of the God knows how many, she could dump you as a friend, dump him as a friend, dump you both as friends or choose not to dump either of you.
If you don’t tell her? None of the above happens.
If she finds out from him? Then we’re back to dump options. Which now also involves your career and cash flow since you and her are working together.
What do you gain from telling her? The joy of knowing it would somehow salt his parade, maybe. But for how long? And in the process, well, see above regarding career and cash flow.
What do you get from not telling her? A horrible, hollow feeling knowing that the man who was cheating on his ex-wife with you and was also cheating on you with God knows who “gets away with it”?
Does it even need to be said that this was a party you invited yourself to? And now you’re shocked that the man who you knew to be a cheater was in fact a cheater? Get out of here with all of that. It’s silly.
However, being a fan of revenge, I will give you this: The ex-wife has suffered enough. The ex-lover, though? Not nearly enough.
To level some karma, have a dinner party, invite everyone, including them, and whomever else he’s had an affair with, and then watch him squirm while watching you drink a little too much and get increasingly reckless with your talk. This is not clean, good or reliable, but if you’re going to go dirty, bad and unreliable, why not do it in style?
Usually this is where I say, “Let me know how it goes!” I won’t say that here since I already know: It will be bad. But as a free moral agent, you have a right to choose. As you already have. So, instead: Good luck.
The Third Part of Threesome
EUGENE, SIR: My wife wants a woman to round out a threesome with us, so for her birthday I’m going to get her what she wants. Is there anything unethical about the other woman being a sex worker? And if not, should I tell my wife that she’s a sex worker or should I let her think we picked someone up? — Happy Wife, Happy Life
Dear Mr. Gilmore: I’m perfectly OK skipping whatever ethical issues you’re having and the ethical issue you’re trying to have with the whole tricking-my-wife bit and just ask you why hire a professional when there are many able-bodied women who would be glad to join? It’s still a gift even if you haven’t paid for it, right? Take a good pic of you and your wife, get thee to a lifestyle website and ask away. Unless the sex worker part is part of your kink, there’s no need to go down that road.