Sex With Eugene: House Rules, Bi-Trickery + Hetero Hijinks
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
Because no one wants you to blow it less than we do.
By Eugene S. Robinson
Sex Club Rules of the Road?
EUGENE, SIR: We’re a couple in our 40s and want to spice things up. Heeding your call (and everyone else’s), it seems a visit to a sex club is on tap. We’re nervous. It’s not like going to a luau right? So what are the basic do’s and don’ts of sex partying, if there are such things? Thank you in advance. — H.M.
Dear Right Hand Red, Left Hand Yellow:
Actually it is like going to a luau. Though I’d be guessing, since luaus are a mystery to me, never having been to one, what with the grass skirting and the coconut cupped drinks. But outside of the dress code (I assume) it’s not hugely different. At a luau you’d no more go up to a couple chatting and proffer your erection than you would at a sex club. I mean you would — if there were nothing but guys there. (Crucial difference: homosexual sex clubs have getting down to business down to a science.) In a hetero sex club there’s some nuance: an exhibitionist couple doing it right in front of your eyes does not equal an open invitation to join. Keep that in mind as you approach folks in the middle of getting busy with the business.
But how do you know if you’re being invited in? Typically someone will reach over for you or look over at you and say, “Do you want to join in?”
See how that works? And there are only two answers here … just like “real life” and they’re simple, assuming you’re not an ass: yes or no. Which is to say the evening’s events are up to you (and the others attending). You can watch, if that’s your thing, but like fight club, in the long run it doesn’t count if you’re not participating. Look all you want, talk to your partner about what’s OK and what’s not OK some time BEFORE you show up, and when it comes time to jump in, do so knowing that everyone is there to have a variety of experiences and most of all, fun.
But since you asked:
1. Don’t talk too much.
2. No high-fiving ANYone.
3. No matter WHO you’re having sex with it’s good form to have at least some of the orgasms to be had that night WITH the partner you came with.
4. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
5. Exchanging numbers with the opposite sex partner of a couple is bad form. Unlike dancing it’s OK for the man to follow here while letting the woman lead if you’re looking for an outcome having very little to do with tears and bitter recriminations.
Oh, and unlike dates with people you know, if you do something embarrassing you never ever have to see these folks again. Especially if you do do something ham-handed. You just won’t be invited back. Good for all involved probably.
EUGENE, SIR: I’ve told my boyfriend of a year that I find men with men hot. Yes, I knew he had told me he was bisexual and I wanted to not have him have to hide that part of his life but I do think it’s hot. I’ve been pushing for a threesome with him and some bi-curious man but he’s resisting, making me paranoid. Should I keep pushing? I mean what’s the big deal? — ManDate
“Pushing” and sex only work in one very singular context and that’s not this one. Which is to say: you’re being a jerk. You told him you thought it was hot. But there are probably a good half dozen reasons why he doesn’t want to get down with you there and you’re not super interested in hearing about any of them and so I’d ask you to consider that he might have a good reason for demurring here. A reason that has maybe little to do with your specific kink, but if he’s willing to play ball everywhere else why fetishize this one? Don’t be like those guys who beg their women endlessly for anal: not a sexy look.
You laid it out there, he knows. If he has any man hunger I’m sure you’ll be the first to know, but until then you may just be kind of a, um, pain in the ass. See what I did there? Yes: I am that good.
Love Ageless + Painless
EUGENE, SIR: Why has every woman I’ve ever been with insisted on telling me what’s wrong with me? Especially in light of the fact that I spend very little time telling them what’s wrong with them? What is this compulsion to control and correct and why am I constantly being victimized, there I said it, victimized by it? It sucks. — no name please
On the one hand because there’s a lot wrong with you? On the other hand there’s probably a lot wrong with everybody so I’m going to blame … sitcoms. Because in sitcoms it’s cute. It’s funny. And it’s resolved in 30 minutes — 23 if you’re not counting commercials. In real life? A clear cause for concern in my mind would be the one-sidedness of it all. I, myself, follow the lead set out by great football coach Vince Lombardi who was known to say, “When the going gets tough? Quit.” Life’s too short to spend it fixing what’s not broken. No matter what kind of laugh track is playing.
Photography by Shutterstock