Sex With a Perfect Stranger

The Problem with Sex Parties

EUGENE, SIR: Before COVID we went to a sex party, and not the first one we had been to. Our rules were simple. As a couple we’d decide who to have sex with, but if we were choosing to have sex singly we’d do it nearby or so that he could see me or I could see him. But you can’t always plan everything, and while on my way out to the backyard I got stopped and this handsome man dropped to his knees and began administering delightful oral. My partner came up behind us. He didn’t say anything, but he was angry. He’s stayed angry and keeps wanting to run it back. The newest wrinkle is he wants to know who the guy is. The only way to figure this out is to go to the party organizer and ask. This is weird and is not going to be successful. Somehow having a name makes him think he’ll feel better, or he’ll be able to track the guy. What’s going to make sense to him that I could say to stop this? — MD

Dear Doctor: There are LOTS of things you could say to him to get him to stop this, but things that would “make sense to him”? That’s something else entirely. I can feel him thinking, though. And I imagine he feels exposed. The unknown does that to us. This guy’s name could pop up on your phone and he’d not even know it. But my question to him at this point, and something people in the lifestyle have to ask themselves with some frequency: “and?”

In California, we have this thing called a “rolling stop.” If the way is perfectly clear when you’re driving, and you come to a stop sign, you give a cursory tap of the brakes rather than coming to a full stop. It’s not an official law, but it’s accepted and understands, at its root, that strict adherence to rules for the sake of strictly adhering to them is foolishness. If there’s an old lady in the crosswalk? Sure. If there’s no one around for blocks? Who are you trying to impress?

Your “breaking” of the rules in this instance was minor and a product of happenstance. Part of why people go to sex parties to begin with. Also in your rules you had no rights of refusal for either of you. And it wasn’t like you were planning on meeting Prince Charming on your way to the backyard.

But to get him to stop this is simple: “You also have the name of the party organizer. Please feel free to pursue this ridiculous and unexpected burst of jealousy as long as it amuses you to do so.”

Because this is about the control that he feels like he lost, and how to regain it. And by control I mean over you. That’s not your job to fix. It’s his. If the party was before shutdown, that was over a year ago. I know the quarantine has been tough, and people’s minds might wander in the not healthiest of places, but he’s being foolish. And you can tell him I said so.

Ass Backwards

EUGENE, SIR: We really want to try anal and have tried any number of times before, but it goes in and out (sorry) of being too painful to continue. We’ve tried it with lube but then it’s too slippery. So are we safe in assuming that everyone else who enjoys anal enjoys it without lube and with pain? Or are there ways to do it that hurt less? Not exactly something we would ask our doctors. — Trying to Not Make Asses of Ourselves

Dear Chairman MAO: A lighter touch with the lube would help. Also positional shifts you’ll find are useful. If the receiver is on hands and knees, the anus is stretched even prior to receiving whatever you’d like to place in it. If the receiving partner is either standing straight up and down, or flat on your bed this might make the most delicate part, the initial entry, easier.

At the very least your attitude is in the right place in regards to looking at sex as an adventure and not a competitive sport. Or maybe that’s just my wishful thinking. That is, that we’d all be pursuing that which most excites us to pursue. So keep at it. You’ll get it in the end. See what I just did there? Thanks, folks! Here all week!

Price Scale Prostitution

EUGENE, SIR: Can you answer a question for me without judgment? I want to know what’s a fair price to pay a sex worker so as not to be insulting. — Name withheld by request

Dear John With a Heart of Gold: Interesting question since presumably you mean even if your sex worker is asking for $50, and that’s all they’d be interested in getting for having sex with you, what’s the “correct” amount so that you don’t feel like part of the problem but more a part of the solution?

Well, that’s nice of you to ask. Really.

And while you’re quite correct in assuming that there’s a wide variance in what someone might require if that’s their job, there are lots of things to consider when considering what’s fair. Is it incall (where you go to them)? Is it outcall (when they come to you)? What are comparable prices (if you’re finding them via an escort site)? Are they escorts or street workers?

According to our sex worker friends, the best rule of thumb, or whatever body part serves your purposes here: Pay what’s asked but always give a healthy tip. Good advice for many endeavors.

OZYTrue Stories

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