Sex That You Will Never Have Under ANY Conditions - OZY | A Modern Media Company

Sex That You Will Never Have Under ANY Conditions

Sex That You Will Never Have Under ANY Conditions

By Eugene S. Robinson

SourceBlasius Erlinger/Getty


While "no" means "no" and "never" means "never," "sometimes" means "party time."

By Eugene S. Robinson


EUGENE, SIR: If I have an orgasm, does my inability to have another one in the next hour, for example, mean there’s something wrong? I used to be able to have two an hour at least. Now I’m, as they say, “one and done.” I’m only 34 and if this is normal, OK, but is it becoming a thing? That you’ve heard? — WM

Dear Weights & Measures: That depends. On? On everything. But in the great civil war of quantity versus quality, a battle that should always be won by quality in my mind even if quantity is loath to concede, there are some things to consider. Most significantly that, in regard to sex at least, depending on the particulars, a stunningly phenomenal time can be had in 30 seconds if it’s the right 30 seconds. Alternatively, the wrong 30 minutes might end up feeling like the Bataan Death March.

So get the clock out of your head. Since if you get the clock out of your head, the counter won’t matter that much, especially since the only true and useful indicator of the battle won by quality will be there in bed with you, assuming this is not just about masturbation.

However, to answer your question directly: If you have one orgasm after 50 minutes of coitus and then “fail” to get erect for a second orgasm in the next 10 minutes, you have to understand that this is not nearly as significant as what kind of time your partner had. But presuming they had a good time? You are to be forgiven.

The real issue seems to be the change for you, to which I’d get philosophical and say: The river is never the same but it’s always a river, grasshopper. Make sense?


EUGENE, SIR: I have enjoyed receiving anal sex. Not regularly, but as something on the menu, yes. My lover of the last 12 months, and this just came up, has told me that he has never had anal sex and never will. Like ever. At all. Given how often I have done this (I’m 29), it’s not that big of a thing, but he has been very clear, and I don’t think “never” means “only a few times a year.” I asked why, and he said “fecal matter.” So, trying to be can-do about this all, I suggested we get a toy he could use on me, and he rejected this too. I offered to make sure there was no fecal matter. He still said no. I think there will be no budge here. I don’t think I like this, but it seems like a stupid thing to end a relationship over. — Name withheld by request

Dear Anal Avenger: Is it? One thing he should get credit for: honesty. He didn’t shilly-shally or equivocate in any way. Consequently, there is no, nor should there be, assumption of any give. Any questions after that might be answered, but that’s a maybe and not a must.

Like Sam-I-Am and his dislike of green eggs and ham, dunning him for an entire lifetime to stick something, anything, in your rear end is an unseemly chore. And, unlike the book, he may still be unlikely to yield in the end. Now, I imagine if your relationship is perfect in every other way, this might seem to be a stupid trade; however, people with relationships that are perfect in every other way rarely write to me.

So while you haven’t asked me a specific question, I will give you a specific answer: A good/great sex life seems to be all about a willingness to engage and embrace your partner in their totality, and this is not that. If you were going to try to cajole him, you might tell him that at least you weren’t suggesting sticking something up his butt, but I don’t even suggest doing this. Instead, I think you do like The Floaters once sang and just “float … float on.” Life’s too short to spend it not getting the sex you want.


EUGENE, SIR: Three hundred. My husband has 300 X-rated films. Our sex life is fine, and I don’t have a problem with porn in general, but with everything available on the web now, I can’t figure out why he’d want the actual films. He can’t articulate why he wants them other to say that he wants them. Which isn’t an answer. Is there an aftermarket for these? I mean, are people buying old, used porn on eBay or something? Please let me know. We need the space. — M Aria

Dear We Just Met a Girl Named Maria: Forget for a second that we’re talking about porno. Make believe we’re talking about Star Wars toys. Or stamps. Or toothbrushes. All things that people collect. Do you think they would gather these things if their intention in the first place was to not keep them?

And if your concern, unspoken though it may be, is that he uses these to masturbate to, though I don’t know why this would be a problem. You do realize that there are people who collect things that they never use? Boxes of unopened toys. Records unplayed. Beers un-drunk.

The collector thing seems to be less about utility than a subrational desire for this thing, whatever that thing might be. But I like the way you think, and there IS a distinct possibility that a collector out there is crazy enough to be excited if your husband starts to piece out his collection.

How to get him to do that? I’m no marriage counselor; however, if money is not enough of a lure? I really got nothing.

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