Sex-Starved, Semenphobia + Lesbionics
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
Because it doesn’t get much better than this. If you don’t do something to help it along.
By Eugene S. Robinson
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
EUGENE, SIR: My husband claims he can’t keep up with my “constant and continual” sexual demands. He says that twice a week should be enough. I’m 40 and he is 45 and we’ve been married since I was 23. He has officially given up on “trying” to satisfy me. The thing is, what he calls “twice a week” is really once a month. I know because I’ve been keeping count, and I don’t know what the statistics show, but that feels low to me. He doesn’t have a problem getting it up, though; he just has a problem wanting to get it up, so something like Viagra would not help him at all. Any natural or chemical remedies that help with desire? —Name withheld by request
Dear Sex Fiend: You mean outside of divorce? Of course, though you’d be surprised how the threat of zero times a month might juice up someone’s appreciation for sexual congress betwixt long-term marrieds. But I’m not a fan of threats nor divorce as tools for successful relationships, and instead give you a socially responsible answer. And a socially irresponsible one as well.
The socially responsible one has you all trundling off to a sex therapist, who will in all likelihood recommend specialists, endocrinologists and so on, who will as an adjunct to therapy poke and prod and try to treat the micro issues, in the hopes that the macro issues will follow. Micro issue treatment might see them administering testosterone, which (even in low doses) will cause some sort of uptick. That’s the good news. The bad news is that according to The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 1 in 5 men would rather do anything other than have sex, and about 30 percent of women out there are in the same boat you are — largely underserved.
Which brings us to the socially irresponsible answer. If affairs are not your thing, and these and the guilt will go a long way toward helping you appreciate Mr. “Not Tonight, Dear,” there’s always the Whole 9 Yards. Which includes acting out every filthy fantasy he’s ever given voice to, like ever, and being willing to chase that wherever it goes: threesomes, foursomes, swapping, whatever. Socially irresponsible, since that road could end up just about any old chaotic place, but at least it’ll help you chart a future course. Because if he shuts this down like I suspect he might, then you’re back to my original suggestion: divorce. Not an option to be taken lightly at all.
Now get out there and get after it!
EUGENE, SIR: My girlfriend hates my semen. I’ve stopped drinking coffee. No garlic, onions, asparagus, I drink lots of water and still nothing. I suspect it’s not the taste, since she can’t even watch me brush my teeth and said it’s because she hates to see the toothpaste running down my chin. It’s not like I need to have her taste my semen, but when she’s so weirded out by the possibility of any of it getting in her mouth that she starts to pull away if she even thinks I am about to orgasm, well, it makes it something I don’t want to do at all. I don’t want to spend my time being tense about something that’s supposed to help me relax. Suggestions? —Tastes Great, Less Filling
Dear Mr. Coconut Oil: You know, a lot of sex is about the head game, and in this instance your head game is about the head game. Whatever the reason is for the aversion to fluids in the mouth, I suspect you’ll not find out, since it’s possible she doesn’t know. And I’m guessing you’ve been OK with moving the landing pad from the tongue to the face, and still no go? Look, some people are not going to like some things, and you’ll go broke and get tired trying to figure out how to make it work. The wrong kind of broke and the wrong kind of tired.
So my armchair suggestion? Move away from loads, as they are now just a focal point for these weird tensions. Using honey in your sex play might be a successful diverting substitute. Unless she hates that too. Then maybe try agave. If that doesn’t work or she’s a diabetic? Then I got nothing for you. Outside of the advice columnist’s go-to suggestion that you two see therapists.
Psssshhh … good luck.
Lame Love for Lesbians
EUGENE, SIR: My beau of the past 10 months and I were talking the other night, and while he’s known that I am bisexual, he — I guess I want to say now, inevitably — got around to saying, “I think it’d be really cool to see you and another girl get it on.” I tried to laugh it off but it was just so lame and common that I’m having a hard time working up much enthusiasm for continued meetings. What the fuck is it with guys and lesbians? — Laura
Dear I Know: Let’s blame Howard Stern. And maybe a generalized media shorthand for something different and daring that completely skirts around the issue that it’s less new than cellphones, microwave popcorn and cable TV, and at last check was had and enjoyed by people who in all likelihood come from the planet Earth. I will make no pitch to save this relationship, but the next time it comes up, if it comes up with him or another, ask if he’d be into you getting with another guy. And to quote Hamlet, if he “but blench,” then you know your course. Which is: Dump the tourists, keep the adventurers.