Sex Partying for Pros
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
Because good sex is just waiting to get better.
EUGENE, SIR: I went to a couples-only orgy and took a woman with whom I was friendly but not involved. I thought we could both have fun without any jealousy issues. When we arrived, she got scared and wouldn’t leave the car. It took an hour to drive there, so I was a little angry. But as she watched other guests going in, she felt like it would be OK. So we’re in the party and everything is going fine. People are having fun and she is just watching. As we walk toward the hot tub, past a few people having sex, she slips a little. It could have been baby oil on the floor. Or it could have been something else. She starts freaking out and runs to the bathroom to wash her feet. She demands to leave, screaming about not wanting to get HIV. So this is what I want to know: Could she possibly have gotten HIV from slipping in semen? — Name withheld by request
Dear Oopsy Daisy: Your night was doomed before it got started. While early-stage jitters leading up to your first sex party are normal, believing you’re going to contract HIV from stepping on what might possibly be semen is less about HIV and much more about a general discomfort surrounding the idea of sex parties. But let’s consider it seriously for a second: Can you get HIV from stepping on semen with bare feet? According to every single medical professional we asked? No. HIV is not transmitted by hand jobs, frottage, kissing or stepping on what could be semen. In fact, no one in the world has ever reported being infected by stepping on semen. Even if she had cuts or scratches on her feet. Even if she stubbed her toe on a syringe. But this is not about that. This is about the party being a little too much and her needing an exit. Which is OK and totally understandable. Just no need to invoke the specter of HIV where it need not be raised.
EUGENE, SIR: We enjoy anal sex. No taboo for us, I love it. But recently my man has been complaining that it hurts when he does it, that something inside me is cutting him. I’ve never heard of this before and wonder if he’s trying to get out of doing it. You hear a lot, so have you heard of this before? And what does it mean? — Nessa
Dear Naughty Nessa: Porn-star friends of mine have very specific routines they kick into gear if they know they’re going to be doing anal scenes, and those routines involve laxatives and enemas and anything else they can think of to guarantee that the penis has a free field of play and doesn’t take a lot of stuff out with it when it exits. So if you’re fond of sunflower seeds? The undigested husks could be what’s cutting him. Same with pumpkin seeds or any kind of hard-shelled nut that just passes right through. I can’t imagine it’s anything else. Most sex columnists, when they don’t know something, will say go to a doctor, but I’d say road-test this a bit first. Which is to say, try changing your diet if you don’t want to waste time on the whole enema/laxative trip and see what happens.
To answer your question, though: I have not heard about this before and it means you should try what I’ve suggested above. With him ideally. If he’s still gun-shy, so to speak, tell him there are many others who might not be so shy in endeavoring to get to the bottom of a medical mystery.
EUGENE, SIR: If my wife climaxes first, she has taken to telling me to finish myself off. She’s also said that she’s “not responsible” for my orgasm. I think by this she means I should pursue my own ends when we’re making love. I think she’s checking out at a time when she should be checking in. Thoughts? — Duncan
Dear Dunkin’ Donuts: Well, while she might be saying that the guesswork that goes into guessing what is going to get you off, after however many years of marriage, is just something she’s signing off of, she could also be saying you’re way too passive in your approach to the sex she’s having with you. Which is a sign you should without a doubt heed. I mean, when your woman is saying she wants you to be more manly, she’s giving you one last chance to do so before she finds someone else who is willing to do so. So you should be listening clearly and closely. Masturbating in front of her, or possibly on her, would be a step into the pleasantly transgressive because of what it says about what you can and will do. Sex is not brushing your teeth. By which I mean, it’s not a housecleaning event. It’s a big deal. Make that a BIG deal — sometimes made bigger and better when the parties are selfishly pursuing their own ends since it’s in these selfish moments that we reveal who we actually are. Also if it’s taking you a “long” time to get off, she might be feeling like it’s her fault/problem, so she’s really asking you for help. Give it to her. Before someone else does.