Sex Anguish, Anxiety + the Thing With the Throat
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
Because bad sex sometimes happens to good people.
By Eugene S. Robinson
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
A Question Explosion: Stalking, Deep Throating, Oral Anguish + Anxiety
EUGENE, SIR: Well, first up, I have a stalker. I dated him for two months and it ended more than two years ago. He’s a paranoid schizophrenic and a malicious sadomasochist. Anything I do to try and make him go away or lose interest only ends up being enjoyable for him. I recently tried to get a restraining order, but he is blackmailing me. He is using information he found out while spying on me and threatening to get me evicted if I take action against him. How do I get someone like this to lose interest?
Second, deep throating: just how? I have tried just about everything. The throat-numbing spray, practicing on smaller objects, lying on my back and hanging my head over the edge of the bed. It just makes it worse. If a guy can swallow a 2-foot sword, there has to be a way, but how?
Third, my boyfriend of two years is a great guy and great in bed. As far as oral goes, something is always just a bit off. He does all the right things, but it’s just not quite there. I don’t even know what’s wrong or how to fix it. I don’t know what to tell him.
Lastly, I have really bad anxiety and it takes a while for me to be comfortable around people, which makes me really awkward around my boyfriend and sometimes makes sex difficult on my end. We don’t always get a lot of time around each other. Any ideas on how to speed up the process? — Amber
Dear Amberannadanna: A suggestion: Write me more often. Collecting questions, like Halloween candy, can’t be good for you or anyone having sex with you. But TO IT in short ORDER. Stalkers have one thing in common: They’re playing a game that involves you being involved with them. Let’s call it The Involve-With-Me Game. Efforts to keep them away? They win. Efforts to reason with them? They win. Efforts to repel them? Yup: They win. Since in the end the key is to get you to engage. How do YOU win? Disengage. You’ll have to lose your place — this nullifies the blackmail threat — but in this day and age, disappearing is easier than it seems.
Next up? Lemme go to a deep-throating expert, porn star Samantha 38G, who might know a few things about a few things: “Relax, get the penis to the back of your throat, pressed as deep as it goes, then swallow while holding your breath.” If your lover is on his back, even better for some reason.
Batter UP: Your beau is bad at giving head. Remind him that sex is play. He should relax, spend as much time down there as he wants, which is really as much time as YOU want. And when he gets warm, biofeedback him into getting warmer.
Home stretch: Wine!
Whew! Hope that helps. If not? Write me again. Sooner. NOT later! For G-d’s sake.
EUGENE, SIR: My wife and I have been together for 25 years. She keeps it healthy but over the last few years, it has taken longer and become more difficult for me to give her an orgasm. She becomes sensitive and focuses on satisfying me. When I try to give her an orgasm (oral, fingers), she is sensitive and ultimately moves me out of the way and masturbates while I am left in a “supporting” role, and even then she doesn’t always reach the big O.
When we focus on her at the beginning, it works better, but she will usually try to move the focus on me. She doesn’t want help or toys. This frustrates and ultimately reduces our playtime to once or twice a month, which is not great. She does not say, but I think she achieves orgasms on her own without a problem.
I’ve asked her what she likes, as in the past, I was able to give her orgasms regularly with oral. She doesn’t seem to know, either. — O.L.
Dear OnLine: When she masturbates, are you taking notes? Because you should be. I mean, you know, there is the possibility that she’s faking that to get out from under the orgasm microscope and all of the consequent pressure you’ve got her under. There is also the possibility that while the lessons of the ’60s and ’70s were well learned and you’re probably a better lover than your father in your caring about your partner’s pleasure, the reality of it is sometimes, what’s sexiest is you aggressively pursuing your own ends.
Being solicitous is fine in the movies, but to put that stuff into play in real life for the last 25 years, well, it might queer the vibe slightly to have sex with someone who’s sporting a report card and awaiting a report after each act of coitus. I don’t know that that’s the case but something is going on, and while it could also be The Old Joke problem — that is: Jokes don’t get funnier the more you tell them and sex doesn’t get better without variation — I suspect it’s the creepy watching-and-asking thing.
So here’s my Hail Mary: Relax, care about her orgasms a little less and pay attention. She’s been giving you 25 years of tips, tricks and hints about what she likes. You have a much better chance than a stranger does of knowing what works, but a stranger has a much better chance of being surprising, and surprising is nice. And yes, that’s probably a threat and touches back on your “she achieves orgasms on her own without a problem.” Yup.
EUGENE, SIR: My wife and I went through a tough time during our first 10 years of our marriage and could not enjoy our married life. Now our situation is improved and we are in our 45-50s, but she is not at all interested in sex. How can I fix this? — Bhagavant Mande
Dear BM: This is like asking me if I know how to quantize energy. Someone knows how to do this, I am sure. Just not me. But this might help: People are not interested in things that they don’t enjoy. So start there and ask yourself why she’s not enjoying it. It could be her, it could be you, it could be the both of you, but hard questions are going to have to be asked and you’re going to have to dig out the answers, which could be everything from bad health to a lover. Who knows? Not me. Maybe you. Get to work and good luck.