Sensation Addiction, Virginity and Loads of Fun
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
Because good sex is largely not accidental.
By Eugene S. Robinson
Oh. What a Feeling?
EUGENE, SIR: My husband and I are healthy, happy and in our 30s, without kids. My husband is great and has taken our sex life by small steps into places I had not expected to go, but am glad to have gone. But it’s like swimming, and when I talk to friends I can see we’ve gotten pretty far from their shore and have started to worry that we’re sensation addicts, and addictions never seem to end anyplace good. Have you often heard of people who settle into average functioning kink over the life of their relationship? —Amanda
Dear Foxy Knoxy: My mother — two words you, of course, want to see in every sex column — used to warn me against being a depressive from a fashion perspective when she’d say, as she would during my teen years, “Young depressed people grow up to be old depressed people,” leaving you with a distinct sense that being gloomy, while OK for James Dean, was not such a sexy look for the long run. My long life takeaway here, though, is that we age into ourselves, and just because someone is old doesn’t mean they’re leaving behind whatever kind of kink they carried with them when they started carrying it.
So if your thing is group sex, swinging or BDSM, there’s absolutely no reason why you can’t continue these into your dotage — energy, interest and the presence of offspring allowing. So that answers your question. The other issue, though, has everything to do with sensation addiction. Which is, yeah, like, a thing. A thing that explains BASE jumping, most drugs and voting for stupid people. Something to do with your brain and dopamine receptors. You want to do it, you’re driven to do so, but want to pull short of what James Brown was talking about when he talked about “doing it to death.” Eventually everything normalizes. Even your desire for sensation. How do you think people end up collecting model trains and playing Scrabble?
Sorta Kinda Like a Virgin
EUGENE, SIR: Hi. I just spent 10 hours reading your column today. I do find it really interesting and helpful, so here’s my problem: I’m an almost-20-year-old woman who lives now in a Muslim country, but I also lived a big part of my life in the USA. A friend of mine from there came to visit me two months ago, and he still is here.
One thing led to another, and we ended up spending the night together, although we did not really have sex, and by that I mean penetration, because everything else has happened at this point. But let’s cut this long story short: I am a virgin, not because of religious practices or anything — just haven’t found a good match yet. I am also in a country where sex is still taboo, and men are rarely open about it. But this time it really feels like it is what I want to do, but I’m kind of stressed because, hey, I’m 20, and this is pretty uncommon here, and he is leaving in a month, and I’m afraid to get attached to him emotionally.
P.S. He’s such a beast in bed; I don’t think I would regret that part. Thank you in advance! —Name withheld by request
Dear Madonna: This is sorta kinda like that game show Jeopardy! in that I need an actual question from you in order to give you an answer. I see no question marks in your query, so I am assuming you just wanted to chat, and that’s OK too. Since if I was going to chat about first-time sex, I think I’d chat about the fact that in all but the rarest of occasions, the first person you have sex with probably won’t be the person you end up having sex with forever. And just to be clear: That’s a good thing. We evolve through and by our choices of sex partners. Which means he may be perfectly good for right now. May not be so good for 10 years from right now. My advice — which you didn’t explicitly ask for, but which you implicitly did by writing me — is this: Have fun, expect not much, look back on this fondly, if it’s worthy, when you get to 2025. Good luck.
EUGENE, SIR: Is there anything I can do to specifically have a bigger load? —E. Castillo
Dear Herr Castillo: Hahahahaha … great. I can’t really tell you how honored I am that you’re coming to me with your load issues. For anyone out of the know, a LOAD is very specifically a colloquial phraseology used to describe ejaculate. So Mr. Castillo is inquiring about whether or not through a magical mixture of ointments, supplements and unguents he can increase the volume of his ejaculate. Probably not in order to impregnate anyone, but very possibly because it makes for dramatic presentation. Peter North, porn star whose heyday saw him known for this very thing, would claim that he could increase his volume by ingesting large amounts of celery, L-arginine, L-lysine and zinc. Give it a try. Report back. Do not send photos.