Screw COVID? Sex Partiers Say So - OZY | A Modern Media Company
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WHY YOU SHOULD CARE

Because some people are getting fooled ALL of the time.

By Eugene S. Robinson

Breathing: It’s Fundamental

EUGENE, SIR: While going down on my man he holds my throat. Not too tight. But firm. I like it. This past weekend, though, he started to hold my nose while he did it. So one hand around my throat and the other holding my nose. I sort of liked this too. It was different. But at some point after, I had to use his phone for something and saw some porn that he had been watching and, yes, light choking and nose holding. Feels much less “different” now. Like discovering your favorite writer is a plagiarist. I am seriously disappointed. He’ll get defensive if I bring it up, so please talk me through this. — Pat

Dear Patty Cake: Couple of issues working here. For example, while I am unsure of whether he was modeling behavior (doing what he saw) OR seeking out behaviors that he had previously modeled (seeking out and seeing what he’d already determined he liked, confirming his kink), you seem quite sure that it’s the former. You’re either guessing, intuiting or you know him well enough to know.

If it’s the former monkey-see-monkey-do stuff, you’re right. Much less impressive than if it’s the latter and he just improvised himself here. But we’re really splitting hairs here since there’s plenty of stuff we have to learn by watching other humans. Indeed, being human seems to be about modeling certain behaviors, like running from bears or how to ballroom dance.

I’m unsure whether you’re a Patrick or a Patricia and it doesn’t really matter, since I suspect in this instance that the issue is more his plagiarizing from a substandard writer versus stealing from a great one. That is: your prevailing sense that learning much of anything from porno is like learning how to cook from a frozen TV dinner chef.

And despite having friends in porno, I think that would be a largely correct assessment. I have an ur-theory of porno that I won’t bore you with here, but porn has been led, periodically, by the occasional true artist that finds themselves there. But 95 percent of it? Dreck. Which we could say about life.

So, to your issue? I’d cut him some slack. I mean how many of us can be Picasso? In the end, if it gives you pleasure, the fact that it wasn’t his idea should be a lesser issue. Hope this helps.

Safer Sex Parties?

EUGENE, SIR: I been reading what you said about sex parties, but you need to know that that is one of the safer places you can be during quarantine. We’re a small community of people, usually the same 30 people are showing up at our events, we’re doing temperature checks before entry, and you can have a sexy time even with a mask on. Plus you can only get COVID from sustained exposure. Two hours at a party outside at our pool is not “sustained.” So please get your facts straight. — Sexy in Sacto

Dear SOS: You know the internet culture that we’re currently knee-deep in has bred its own language, habits and affectations. The constant and continual state of agitation that seems to presage some argument somewhere that one or both of the actors had just come from, were just in, or were heading to affects all manner of discourse, and colors it with a crap-hued tone that makes civility difficult and guarantees that no one feels better no matter how many emojis are spewed after whatever is being written.

But that’s out there. In here? Well, I’m free to tell you that if you believe all of what you wrote, please continue to act on it as much as you like but know that I aggressively disagree with you and moreover believe it to be both dangerous and ill-advised. And even if your exercise of your freedoms will inevitably make life more difficult for the rest of us, if your public orgasms mean that much to you, you’ll find no argument from me.

In fact, none other than the CDC of British Columbia just released a guideline to help prevent transmission of the COVID-19 while engaging in sexual activity where they recommended … wait for it: glory holes. Specifically, penises through holes in the wall. So, some are siding with you.

Me, I disagree though.

And so does Admiral Brett Giroir from the White House coronavirus task force. He claims that masks and physical distancing could quickly stop the spread of COVID-19.

But both the White House and I feel that what’s really important is that you have an orgasm no matter how many people have to die — 149,000 at last count — so you should do that, you brave sexy party warrior.

A Throaty Yowl

EUGENE, SIR: My boyfriend has gotten obsessed with me deep-throating him. He thinks we haven’t done this because I’m afraid it’ll “hurt.” The real reason is that he’s not big enough for this to really happen. I don’t feel like telling him would be nice, so allowing for how wide open the jaw can go and position shifts, what can I do to make this happen? — HS

Dear Hard2Swallow: At first I laughed. Then I got sad. Then I laughed again. Then I realized that no matter how hard you try to be convincing once you’re in a mental institution, no amount of telling people you’re not crazy is likely to help.

But the bathos/pathos here? Too much. This is like some fleshy Gift of the Magi tale but let’s get to answering you. So positions that are out are positions where he can clearly see that it’s not happening or he can definitely feel that is the case. Him standing in front of you? Out. You coming in from the side or cross-body? Also no-go.

Positions to try? The best for this kind of magic act would be the so-called 69 position. Whether he’s on top or you are, his vision of whatever it is you’re doing is blocked. Generally then he has no idea what’s going on in that position, so whatever he feels and hears is stage-managed by YOU.

I’m not encouraging lies, deceit and trickery. I’m just trying to help you cater to a man who has an aggressive facing of the facts in his future somewhere. Good luck.

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