Roughly, Bottom Bargain + Fit to Be Tied
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
Because if you don’t? Someone much sexier than you will.
By Eugene S. Robinson
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
EUGENE, SIR: I just got out of a 10-year relationship and in the past 12 months of being single I’ve had sex with five different men. What I noticed after 10-plus years of not noticing sex with other men at all is that it’s gotten a lot more forceful. Within the first three times of having sex with the five men I’ve been on the receiving end of hair pulling, slapping, name calling and choking. I’m not saying I objected to any of this; I’m open to experimenting. I just want to know what happened over the last decade that I missed out on that made the average one-night stand so unquestioningly … rough? — Shi
Dear Shi Town: A friend of mine used to review porn for a porn review website. Like anyone buying porn is making a decision informed by an “adult” “film’s” mise-en-scène. Anyways, there was one whole line he kicked back and refused to review. It was a so-called gonzo line of porn. No plot. No story. No music, pacing or any prelude really other than “couch meet sex.” Frequently very rough sex. Abuse sex. Which, while intellectually, you’d understand as being a documentation of the acts and actions of two or more consenting adults, the point seemed to be very much other than sex, or even sexual release.
The note my friend sent to the production company that provided him review copies acknowledged all of this, gave a nod to their inalienable First Amendment rights to do what they were doing, but ended, “If you guys hate women so much, why don’t you just make gay porn?” Although he never heard back from them, they didn’t stop sending him review copies, which gathered dust on his desk, unwatched. By him. But watched by someone else. Lots of someone elses. The zeitgeist has indeed shifted to where what was porny 10 years ago is what people are doing on red carpets at film premieres now.
None of which is a real critique. My critique starts with the death of imagination in the face of monkeys seeing and monkeys doing. None of which I am in a position to decide. But you are. Does the sex feel canned? Lifted, borrowed? Or does it seem organic? It could have all come from the same place, but one version gives voice to the players’ innermost desires, desires that pre-existed the sanction that occurred when they first saw them. (“I always wanted to choke someone I was having sex with while having sex with them and I thought I was alone, but now that I’ve seen Max Hardcore do it, so can I!”)
The other? Shameless mimicry. And therefore much less interesting.
I may be wrong in laying this all on porn’s front steps, but what other forum presently exists and functions like a clearinghouse for our most secretly held fantasies? But good that you’re mindful of what’s swirling around you. An examined life being worth living and all of that.
Driving Hard Bargains
EUGENE, SIR: My fiancee — we’ve been engaged for a little over a year and are getting married this fall — said that she’ll let me have anal sex with her on one condition: I let her use a dildo on me first. She thinks it’s necessary for me to appreciate exactly how it should best be done. I think it should also be said that she likes anal sex. So this is not a conditional thing. She wants to do it but needs me to have it done to me before she’ll let me do it to her. Nonnegotiable. Thoughts? — FZ
Dear Breathe Deeply: Thoughts? Ha-ha, yes! The first one being: You’re fucked. Or put another way: You’re stuck between a dildo and a hard place … with a dildo. But let me make the claim that maybe you’re thinking about this the wrong way and maybe if you tried it, you’d like it. You know, essentially all the things men say to women when they’re trying to get away with the same.
But sex is not really, or shouldn’t be, about “getting away” with stuff. It should be fun and enjoyed by all and I’m going to have to think she wants this to happen to conquer a queer-phobic anal fear that once conquered would make you a better lover. Who is also not gay. But, I’ll say here, like I’d say if you were her and she were you: Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Though, it should be noted, people will pursue their interests, even if you’re not there to pursue them with them. So think this over. What you say no to today, could be your enemy tomorrow.
Tying One On
EUGENE, SIR: We’re into bondage. But the other day my man tied me to a chair and left. He didn’t come back for four hours. I was beyond angry. He says I’m being unreasonable; I say he’s being an ass. Am I right? — John
Dear Mr. Bond: How exactly were you supposed to communicate your safe word if he wasn’t around to hear it communicated? And what about a house fire? A medical event? Robbery? Screw that. I’m with you on this one. You know how I know? Because even though I don’t know whether he’s a switch or not, I do know there’s no way he’d go for this. An hour? Maybe. Four hours? Nooo …